Be Careful What You Wish For

I have a lawn to mow. Dog poop to scoop. Laundry to do. Walls to wash. Rooms to vacuum. Instead, I felt magnetized to my computer. To my blog page. To this posting.

Somewhere in all my "words" I have found a sort of therapy in writing. I think it's just getting stuff out and letting go, but whatever it is, you're cheaper than therapy and I don't have to hear how messed up I am. Win-win for me! And since you are cloaked in anonymity, I don't have to be embarrassed by my thoughts. Chalk up another win! AND you don't have to read my ramblings if you so desire. See? We ALL win. I get more wins, but it IS all about me anyway, right?

A disease runs dominantly through my biological mothers side of the family. It's a disease that hits your brain. It's called OPCA and I have been showing symptoms of it over that last few years. Little things. I don't run any longer. I can't. My body doesn't work that way. I stammer in my speech. It requires cognitive thought to master stairs. Blah. Blah. Blah. The list is long and cumbersome. In the whole scheme of things, who cares? It wasn't like I was some high jumping, run everywhere kind of girl to begin with. Right?

Who needs to close the garage door and try to jump over the sensor just to end up ramming their head into the garage door and rocketed to the ground so hard that their body bounces upon landing and looks around to make sure NOBODY has seen the theatrics and climb humbly into their jeep humiliated beyond words and then tells the family to gain a bit of sympathy and have to leave the room because they are laughing hysterically at you? Not me. I don't need that.

I went to doctor and was referred to the University of Utah to be seen by a neurologist. I had to gather all my medical information that I could find, fax it over to them, then a team of VERY qualified doctors go through the cases and the physician best suited to take your medical dilemma gives you a call and gets the ball rolling. Doctor Summer Gibson is my new best friend.

Young. Smart. Empathetic. Did I mention she was smart?

My family attended the appointment with me last Tuesday. I'm not sure if the office workers were prepared for the Deason entourage. There was standing room only as I spent about an hour with her asking me all sorts of questions and then pushing here, pulling there, "let me watch you walk", "can you feel this", "can you do that".

I kept my eyes focused on her. At one point when I "performed" poorly on a test, I glanced over to my family. I lost it for a minute. I hate seeing the fear in their eyes. I DESPISE that I am putting them through the pain associated with my ability to do less and less.

When the doc was done questing and testing, she said "Although you show many symptoms of OPCA, you have many that are not classic OPCA. You have symptoms of other brain diseases." I wasn't prepared for THAT statement.

I have dreaded getting an actual diagnosis of OPCA. It's such a nasty disease. But when I asked what she might be looking for, her only response was "they are diseases you don't want to have." Ugh.

I left with even MORE questions and less answers.

So I have cried and worried and fretted and raged and pondered and wept and hoped and believed in better this week. I have tried not to feel guilty when my family struggles or cries or yells.

I haven't been afraid of much in my life. I fear this. At times I am frozen with fear. I learned to fight many, many years ago. I'll continue fighting. I need my family and loved ones to know that. To believe that I won't give in. I still dream of a fairy tale ending that finds me old and feeble watching my grandkids rule the world. I plan to be a "based on a true story" event that requires good popcorn and a large coke.

How Great Thou Art

I saw this performance on the Country Music Awards last year. I fell in love with it. I put it on my Ipod. I ALWAYS have my Ipod on shuffle so when this song "magically" appears I pause whatever I'm doing to hear every minute of it.

I am not outwardly religious by any description of the word. Denise used to tell me that I walk a "fine line between class and white trash". I thought that was HILARIOUS but then she would say "Whenever I need spiritual advice or comfort you are the one I turn to".

So I assume that spirituality is somehow an ingredient in my melting pot of emotions.

I do know that this is HANDS DOWN my favorite religious song. The one thing I miss from my daily Sunday ritual is the gospel music.

Last weekend Mark took me on the motorcycle. We left Provo, went to Wallsburg to visit Rays' grave and then headed on to an adventure.

I love to ride the motorcycle. I love the sun. I love the wind. I love the smells. I love the freedom. I love the alone time with my husband. I have secretly desired a motorcycle of my own. I make do with the top off my jeep and a seatbelt securely around my waist. With all the texting and driving going on I worry that Mark is going to be hit by some dork who isn't paying attention to the road.

Off my soapbox and back to what I was writing about.... (Put the phones DOWN people).

We left on our little expedition. BEAUTIFUL.  We wound through mountains. Past Lakes. Stopped at a waterfall.

B E A U T I F U L. Again.

Sigh. How do I describe it?

Fast forward to this last week.

Dawn took me on vacation. She decided that I need a bucket list and she was going to contribute things for me to do. So she rented a car and took me to Southern California and up the Pacific Coast Highway.

B E A U T I F U L

Our first stop was in Vegas. Mark had taken his motorcycle down to Vegas. He wanted to avoid I-15 so he took the scenic route.  He meandered through Zions National Park. Across Devils Backbone. To the Grand Canyon. He was on the motorcycle 15 hours +.

Dawn is married to Mike (who is my age) and Mark's brother as well. Mike drives long haul and planned a run in his rig through Vegas. He was able to meet us there as well. We all dressed in 1970 attire and hit a nice dinner. I think Gerald celebrated his 40th in style and surrounded by many people he loves.

Sunday morning Mark headed back on the bike, we dropped Mike at his rig and headed off on our adventure to Cali.

The car was filled with girl talk and laughter.

Our first stop was in LA where we roomed across from Disneyland. I haven't been to Downtown Disney before so we shopped and ate and ended our evening with fireworks from the theme park.

The next day we went to Catalina Island. When I grow up and become rich and famous you'll be able to visit me there. I was BORN to live on a beach. Extra sun. The ocean. Sand. People. Shopping. What more can a girl ask for?

The following day ended in a Dodgers game. I WAS SO EXCITED! Witnessed a home run in the first inning by a Mets player and then cheered the Dodgers into victory.

FINALLY I have arrived to "why the crap did she title this blog How Great Thou Art and then write about vacation getaways?"

Dawn and I jumped in the car and hit the Pacific Coast Highway. Every turn we made one of us stated "This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen." It was so pretty. I LOVE THE OCEAN. If you haven't seen the ocean through Northern California? Get in your car and start driving until you hit the PCH. You won't be disappointed.

Goose asked me a couple of weeks ago if I believed in God. I paused for a moment and answered as honestly as was possible with "I don't know."

I still don't know. I see the beauty that surrounds us. I think we are so fortunate to live in a country that is so diverse in nature. I think it's amazing that we can see the ocean and put our toes in the water and then drive 30 seconds and smell the fresh scent of pine trees because the mountains are looming in the background.

When we passed through Carmel, we happened upon the Tour d'Elegance. Pebblebeachcouncous.net describes it as:

The Pebble Beach Tour d’Elegance presented by Rolex is an annual driving event that delights entrants and spectators alike.  

Initiated to showcase the elegance of the automobile in motion, the Tour also underscores the early history of the place that is Pebble Beach. Decades before golf links were laid out along the edge of the Pacific Ocean, this area was known for its scenic drive, winding for miles through pine and cypress forest, dancing alongside dramatic cliffs and leading, ultimately, to a beautiful crescent-shaped bay. 

The traditional Tour traces portions of the original 17-Mile Drive, traverses nearby mountains and valleys, and pauses for a time in charming Carmel-by-the-Sea. This year, for the first time in 10 years, the Tour will add a lap around Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca. Tour participants enjoy a catered gourmet lunch, a champagne celebration at the finish and commemorative gifts. 

We found a parking spot and made our way to the cars. The owners were in having their lunch so the cars are lined two deep through the district on both sides of the road. They are all vintage vehicles restored to their original grandeur.

It was at this time that I contemplated the abilities of man to create wonder. If God created Man in his own image, makes sense that we can create beauty as well, doesn't it? I found beauty in the art from the street vendors in Sacramento. The architecture throughout California left me breathless. The engineering of the Golden Gate Bridge is astounding.

So, Goose, I think I wasn't entirely truthful with you. I believe in "something". I believe mostly in humanity, but I choose to believe that our intelligence and our desire to create beautiful is a gift from a higher power.

Therefore, when you see something beautiful...when you do something amazing...when astounding surrounds you...pause and think "how great thou art."