My Gift

In 2008 the movie Seven Pounds starring Will Smith (I love him) and Rosario Dawson (yeah, she's the bomb) was released.

According to IMDb

"A man with a fateful secret embarks on an extraordinary journey of redemption by forever changing the lives of seven strangers."

The movie stood out in my mind - not because it was so good (it was), not because the actors were so incredible (they were), not because the story was so wonderful (it was) - simply because I left the movie thinking "That's something Tyson would do."

Other friends/family saw the movie and time after time I heard "I thought about Tyson while watching that movie. That's something he would do." And he would. 

Tyson came into this world 2 months early and weighing in at 5 pounds 6 ounces. I think his heart made up 5 pounds of that weight. I've said it time and time again. Tyson is the most giving person I know. I know A LOT of people.

33 years ago, my life changed forever with the birth of my son. I thought I had it all handled and knew what to expect. Oh, the arrogance of being young. I knew nothing. Absolutely nothing. A few years back I told Tyson "I made all my big mistakes with you." He simply nodded in affirmation. Then he grinned. That cute, dimpled smile that melts my heart and I knew all was forgiven.

Tyson does not live in the past. He has moved forward brilliantly with a catcher's mitt in one hand and his left hand free to toss back each curve ball that life has thrown his way. Things I have spent a lifetime learning - forgiveness, generosity, making a difference - come naturally to this kid.

As a young boy, Tyson took on the mentor role with each of his siblings. Time passed and he taught his friends that they could forever depend on him. To this day, if something is needed just ask Tyson. That's a legacy that many of us will not leave behind. Tyson will. With a vengeance.

In 2012 I wrote a blog called "Unsung Heroes". This post was about Tyson. Tagging along at the end of my writing is a copy of a poem by Rudyard Kipling "If". I have always related this poem to my boy.  The line "And never breathe a word about your loss" is how Tyson has chosen to live. Not too many people get the luxury of knowing the true man - the good, the bad and the ugly. It's all there, wrapped in a perfect package that I am lucky enough to call mine.

Happy Birthday, Tyson, may we all be a bit like you.

The Great Unknown

Today marks one year since Dad's passing. My relationship with Dad came late in life - not smeared with adolescence insolence or childhood insecurities. I have always vehemently stated that our relationship was perfect. We were uninterested in the hurt and pain that often accompanies family. He had NO idea of the stupid stuff I did when I was a kid and I held no grudges of the less than ideal moments he might have been guilty of as a parent. Our past, present and future was unsoiled and I was so lucky.

My heart broke when Dad died. The shatter brought me to my knees. Mark tried with all of his might to console me. I was comfortless and one year later I don't see myself recovering any time soon.

It's been a whole year of firsts. Dad's wife, Arlene, has struggled with these. It's been hard for her to be alone. She misses the bickering that comes with years of marriage. The anger, the pouting, the silent treatment, the slamming and the muttering all seem to fade when you lose someone you truly love. You find yourself remembering the camping trips, the long drives in the car, the conversations, the meals cooked and shared, date night at your favorite restaurant and the comfortable silence of their presence.

One day I was sitting at my counter eating Top Ramen - of all things. I looked out the window in time to see a couple get out of their car and head up the sidewalk to my house. "I know them, but who the crap are they?" It was Dad and Arlene. 

When I came to my senses and rushed to the door to greet them, I asked "OHMYGOSH! Why are you here?" They had heard that I had gotten a not-so-nice-letter from someone and it had rocked my small world a bit. Dad had driven 12 hours because I "might need a hug from your dad." And they hugged me. And we cried. And my cup runneth over.

Today EVERYTHING reminds me of my dad. I still smell the outdoors he wore as cologne. I remember the feel of his curly hair. The sensation of his warmth wrapped around me lingers on my shoulders. I hear his music and it commingles with the tinkling of his laughter. I miss the sound of his voice. 

Life without someone you love is like entering a great unknown. You don't know what's ahead. You can't have what is behind. So you wing it - never knowing when a touch, a smell, a song, a poem, a voice or a presence tickles your brain and tears begin to flow.

I have a frame above my desk with pictures of dad and myself on the first day we met. I look at it and remember him. I hope I honor him. Although our time together was short, I hope I made him proud.

I love you Dad. 

A Diamond in the Dust

Another year has circled around and landed smack dab on Tanna's birthday. Oh what to say? So many thoughts and worries and lectures and hopes and dreams and desires about this girl keep me up at night. However, a year ago there was not a moment that I didn't think I would lose my girl. Drugs. Stupid drugs. Tanna was embroiled in them and as a family, we were beyond helpless.

Tanna has been clean 7 months now. Let me repeat that. TANNA HAS BEEN CLEAN SEVEN MONTHS NOW. And I'm proud.

Yes, friends, we have a long way to go. A lifetime of change doesn't happen in months. I know that. However, the hours lead to days, days lead to months, months lead to years and years lead to lifetimes. The steps are becoming easier. As footsteps lighten, we weigh ourselves down on another item to place our focus. Someday, we will get back to who she was before her life hit a brick wall.

Today is to celebrate the birth and life of my daughter.

Have I ever told you that I like Tim McGraw? In case you were wondering, I do. I like his music ALOT.

Goose and his wife Daulton, dear Uncle Mike, nephew Mat, friend Cale and hubby Mark all went hiking and backpacking the Wind Rivers in Wyoming. No I didn't go. The conversations went something like:

"You should come with us. I can make a pack for you and carry you wherever you need to go"

"Are there hotels? Room service?"

He looked at me incredulously, "No."

"Then no...HECK NO... I'm not going."

Let's be honest, even if I could walk like a champ, I wouldn't go. Eating fish for nine days, sleeping on the ground, and finding a bush for toilet coverage is not my cup of tea. Go figure.

Instead, Tanna and I left to go see Arlene in Washington. Other than for the memorial, I haven't been back since dad passed. That's a blog for another time. The trip was tinged with sadness, but what a great visit! Spending time with family is always good for your soul, isn't it?

I haven't been on a trip with Tanna for many many MANY years and the open road was speaking to us. The journey was prepared, road snacks were purchased, car was cleaned and vacuumed and the song playlist was made.

We were just outside of Boise when Tim McGraw played.

I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I've got a few old habits left
But there's still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see
There's a diamond under all this dust

And that, my friend, is my daughter. Getting better. A long way to go, but that diamond is beginning to show.

I admire Tanna for working so hard. She is not complacent with life and is working constantly to better herself.

Mark Twain penned:
In twenty years, you will be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did.

Live to do. Not to want. My daughter taught me that. Tanna has nothing, yet wants for nothing. She is one of the most unworldly people I know. She wants the best for you and is learning to want the best for herself. Change is inevitable, so why not make change good?

The search can be far and wide, but you will NEVER find a more beautiful girl than my Tanna. Inside. Outside. This girl has it. Loyal. Honest. Kind. Giving. Tender. Emotional. Friendly. Caring. 28 years has given her the strength to finally fall on her knees and give herself permission to help herself.

She's a diamond alright. She sparkles with life and is strong beyond measure.

One thing about dust. It can be blown away, right?

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie
I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

Happy birthday, my sweet girl. I'm a lucky mom.