Just One Look

On November 09, 2018 the world was forever changed with the birth of my 4th grand baby. Hollis Keith Deason entered at 12:32 pm and weighing in at 8 lbs 2 oz and measuring a lengthy 21". The ever-so-ecstatic parents are Daulton and Goose.

I remember so vividly when they got married. The night before the wedding a bunch of us got together for dinner to celebrate Daulton's last night of single-girl-living. Shelby had gathered letters from each and put them in a scrapbook to present to man-I-love-this-girl-so-very-much Daulton. I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. I needed Daulton to know the importance of my son. Of being a Deason. Of honoring her marriage. Of embarking on this roller coaster ride - Deason Style.

However, it was EXTRA important that she knew I had FIVE ever-most-precious treasures. Tyson, Goose, Tanna, Shelby and Jaden. I was giving her one. Goose was to be hers.

Do I need to tell you that Daulton has done her work GLORIOUSLY? She has. She has made Goose a better man.

I watched as these kids grew a family all their own. I listened to the doubts. Cried along with frustrations. Laughed at Daulton's waddle-walk. Shared excitement over the oh-my-gosh-it's-so-cute nursery. Sat in the new rocking chair and watched the bookshelf expand with baby books.

We waited and waited and waited for our guy to come.

Along came Hollis. I was smitten.

In 1990, Doris Troy released the song Just One Look.

I swear on a stack of bibles this song ran through my head like a freight train.

Just one look and I fell so hard
In love with you
I found how good it feels
To have your love
Say you will be mine
Forever and always
Just one look, that's all it took.

Goose had asked that he be alone with Daulton during childbirth. It took ever-so-much strength to honor that request. 

After Hollis was born, Goose texted me "My boy is here." I freaking bawled like a baby. 

Then came the text "Come see me momma".  I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough.

"Are we there yet?"

"Mark! You're driving too slow."

"Hurry up!"

We FINALLY got to the hospital and Goose met us in the hallway. I held it together until we walked in the room. Daulton was holding the sweetest baby that ever lived. She was smiling ear-to-ear. I have never seen her more beautiful.

"Do you want to hold him Momma?"

I sat in my chair and Goose brought me his son. And I fell in love all over again.

I began with "the world was forever changed". Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? How in the heck does one little baby change an entire world?

With kindness. And honesty. And loyalty. With bright blue eyes that lovingly hold your gaze until you know that you won't fail. With the strength of a million lions yet the softness of a herd of lambs. With color and words and hope beyond measure.

Yep. Hollis Keith Deason will change the world. Watch and see.

You Should See It In Color

Shelby had a birthday on September 28. I post EVERY year for her birthday. Not this year. I wanted to wait for her day to end so I could include everything. The next day we went hunting (yeah, gross). Work has been NUTS and before I could blink, November has hit and I'm just sitting down to write about my girl.

Shelby has been studying watercolor and the technique behind it as part of her requirement to graduate this year. I think it surprises her how much she enjoys it. She exercises her art every single day and she's REALLY good. I don't know what she will do to tie watercolor with her photography, but she will. You heard it here first. Watch for Shelby Deason Photography to CHANGE THE WORLD.

When Mark gets free time, he grabs his phone for music and disappears in his shop for a bit. He's ALWAYS calling me out to "listen to this song." "This is good music, right here." "Are you listening?" DRIVE'S ME CRAZY. "Yes, Mark, I hear it." "Yep. That's a good song." "I'm going in the house now." I roll my eyes and leave to his muttering "You aren't even listening."

But I do.

One of the songs he "wow-ed" over is Jamey Johnson's In Color.

A pictures worth a thousand words
But you can't see what those shades of gray keep covered
You should have seen it in color.

Shelby fills a room with color. Most times, you don't even notice the black and white until she strolls in and EVERYTHING changes. Color fills every nook and cranny and the family feels whole.

"Mom, did you know that watercolor is layered to make it look right?"

"No, I didn't. But that makes sense."

Why? Because my beautiful daughter is layered with honesty, loyalty, integrity, kindness and empathy. She will be the first to wrap her loving arms around those in need. She fears no one and will stand (right or wrong) with her shoulders squared.

The thing I admire most? That girl is ALWAYS searching to better herself. She is constantly learning and growing and genuinely wants the best for those around.

Yes. The world is black and white. If you're lucky, you get see color once in a while. Not me. I have Shelby. Color washes over me every single day.

I love this girl beyond words.

On September 28, 1991, color entered my world.

Thank you, Shelby. Thank you for your crazy. Thank you for your loyalty. Thank you for your depth. Thank you for your love.

May this year bring more color to us all.

P.S. Shelby got engaged on her birthday. 

Written In Stone

A few weeks ago, we had the opportunity to gather in Stanley, Idaho. We were able to camp, eat fabulous food, laugh, bond and lay Uncle Paul and Aunt Charlene to rest. How lucky were we? Family and friends wrote tribute to our pretty-dang-awesome Paul and Charlene. Our words were put inside a lock box and buried in the meadow close to their favorite camping spot. Jan and Theresa mixed the ashes with wildflower seeds and each of us grasped a cup in our loving hands and spread the seed throughout the meadow. With rain and time on our side, flowers will bloom and the world will get to witness the beauty of the Deason family.

Resting on the buried time capsule, Rick lay an engraved stone. What is it about viewing a written image of names? Theresa showed me the stone and I freaking lost it. I mean I LOST IT. My finger traced the Deason name and my heart was flooded with memories of Uncle Paul, Aunt Charlene, Aunt Joy, Aunt Mel, Aunt Charlene (yes, there were two of them), Cousins, Grandparents, all friends and family that have passed before us. Is there a path to ready for us? Is Uncle Paul cutting wooden chairs? Is Aunt Charlene gathering flowers for the table? Is Aunt Joy making tacos? Are Aunt Mel and Aunt Charlene giggling and raising havoc? How about Dad, Pat, Denise, Ray? Uncle Lyn, Cori Jo, Aunt Jeanne, Rebecca? Both sets of Grandparents? Are they gathered with plate in hand? Oh I so hope so. Those are chairs I long to sit on at a table I can only dream of with loved ones that make my heart sing.

I gather rocks. There is something that resonates in my soul when I can touch a piece of the earth from a place that holds meaning.

Pat's daughter got married. In fact, since Pat's passing, both daughters have said their vows. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. In both weddings, the centerpieces were embellished with rocks.

Erin married first. I grabbed a rock and placed it in my pocket. For a few years now, that rock sits in a bowl on my desk right next to Pat's picture.

Kelle honored me by requesting that I go wedding dress shopping with her. Before leaving, I grabbed that stone and a picture of Pat and brought them with me.

The rock from Erin now has a companion. When Kelle married, I grabbed a rock off the table and placed it in the bowl.

While attending the memorial in Idaho, I picked up a rock. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to my dear friend Jan. She held a rock in her hand. With a quavering voice she told me "I know you." and handed it to me.

Does the rock hold more meaning than Jan thinking of me? I don't think so.

Friedrich Nietzsche wrote:

There will always be rocks in the road ahead of us. They will be stumbling blocks or stepping stones; it all depends on how you use them.

When you are faced with grief, success, friendship, joy or sadness, bend down and grab a rock. Run your fingers over and feel the smoothness juxtaposed with the jagged edges. Layer upon layer, rocks are formed and made beautiful with time.

Write your life in stone.

Baby Mine

I love to watch Dr. Phil. Some of his guests drive me insane. Many, many, MANY times I find myself thinking "what a mess". However, I listen to what HE says. I think he really knows people. Dr. Phil is constantly saying "Children should NOT be born with a job."

Umm, in August of 1984, Tyson was given a job. Newly wrapped in my arms, his job was to bring me endless joy. He has done that faithfully.

My boy couldn't wait to see the world and came to us two months early. I had NO idea how small he was. Tyson stayed in ICU for a few days so Mark and I scrambled to get a few things for him.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, it was necessary to get him an outfit to come home in. We promptly bought a Steelers jogging outfit. Problem was, it was sized at 9 months.

Shows what I knew about babies.

It LOOKED small enough. It was HUGE on him. I rolled and rolled the cuffs and sleeves. Tyson came home in that outfit. However, due to the fact it was ENORMOUS and August is sweltering in Norfolk, Virginia, the outfit retired and reappeared later in life.

I have written how handsome, how smart, how giving my boy is. Have I mentioned how funny he is? He cracks me up.

Tyson thoroughly enjoys uttering little innuendos. He watches to see if anyone caught the joke and figured it. Then he laughs along.

I have spent 34 years in awe of this kid.

I had a few errands to run today and, tiring of the banter on the radio, I switched to my own music. OneRepublic came on with I Lived.

Years back, this was the song I used for our Christmas movie. At the time, I applied it to the entire family. Now, I just think of Tyson.

I hope when you take the jump, you don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all that you have
And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say...

I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy all your pain
But until my moment comes, I'll say...

YOU, you did it all
You owned every second that this world could give
You saw so many places, the things that you did
With every broken bone, I swear you lived

This kid has done it all.

He has a name in Provo where NOBODY has a name.

Friends adore his honesty. His kindness. His generosity.

He is a father. A son. A hero.

He has carried caskets of friends on his back at a time when he should have been skating and eating ramen with them.

He has taught adults adult behavior when he should have simply been a kid.

Happy birthday, Tyson. Thank you for your generous heart. Thank you for fulfilling your job EVERY SINGLE DAY. Thank you for your quiet humor. Thank you for letting others depend on you.

...you're so precious to me,
Sweet as can be, baby of mine.

Laughing At The World

A few months back this was my conversation with Mark:

"I cheated on you. And I'm not sorry."

I was aghast.

"You freaking read the next scroll."

"Yup."

"It wasn't time."

"I'm not sorry. It's a good one."

Jerk.

Mark and I are still reading Og Mandino's The Greatest Salesman in the World. According to the INSTRUCTIONS, Mark, you are to read ONE scroll three times a day for one month.

The book says: I will read each scroll for thirty days in this prescribed manner, before I proceed to the next scroll.

I swear Mark doesn't need the scrolls, he needs to learn to FOLLOW DIRECTIONS.

I went to Fresh Market this morning to grab a few groceries. While walking in, I ran into someone I knew and hadn't seen in years. I'm not sure she even knows about "me". I went to say "hi". I wanted to hug her and tell her "OHMYGOSH! I haven't seen you in forever! How are you?" Instead I drooled all over my shirt and spit when I tried to talk.

I called Mark. I had a melt-down. I absolutely-without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt hate the changes placed at my feet.

The scroll we are reading right now states: "I will laugh at the world. ...for a man is most comical when he takes himself too seriously."

Mark reminded me of this scroll. I can feel sorry for myself or laugh at what has come my way. I choose laughter. I choose to smile. I choose to drool while slurring the words  "I love you".

I'm telling you. GET THIS BOOK. Change your life. Change your thinking. Change your habits. Change your self-esteem.

Let's do it together.

Know that I don't believe swearing has a place in a public forum. Having said that, Elizabeth Taylor said something spot on..

You just do it. Your force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That's how I've done it. There's no other way.

Amen

The earth rotated 365.25 (yes, it's NOT 365 times, science line.ucsb.edu states 365.25. They are a SCIENCE site. They are smart people. They HAVE to be right. Right?) The point is, another year has passed, and yes, here we are back to Tanna's birthday.

One of Marks ever-most-favorite-teachers-of-all-time told him once that people don't want to hear about your kids. Mrs. Joe told him that in order to be a good writer you need to follow that rule.

Yep. I'm breaking all the rules. This blog is for Tanna. About Tanna. Because of Tanna.

Sorry Mrs. Joe. If you learned from me - as I adoringly followed you - I insist on doing things my way.

So, I'll write about Tanna.

When Tanna was still pretty young, I had a dream about my family. We gathered for Thanksgiving. The table was set. Turkey was sliced. Potatoes were mashed and pie was waiting. I looked around the room, chest was puffed with love and pride as I gazed lovingly upon each member. Sadness enveloped me. I realized Tanna wasn't there.

Years passed and I could not shake this dream. When Tanna "lost herself" for a bit, this dream came to the forefront and I was terrified that it meant she was going to die and not be at my table. I've calmed down a bit and have come to realize that for a few years, she WASN'T at my table. I WAS sad to not have her with me, however, I was NEVER overcome with loss. I STILL had a daughter. Alive.

The Deason wheel does not turn on a flat tire any longer. Tanna is home and my family is whole. Tanna brought the oh-my-gosh-he's-so-dang-funny, Jerico, with her and on the 27th of January, the cutest-baby-in-the-history-of-ever, Tyson, added to the Deason-family clan.

Tanna was the cutest, most-bestest little one, a ROTTEN teen, a WORSE young adult. Now? She's simply the bestest-most-awesome woman and cutest mother.

Every single day she sends video and pics of baby Tyson. She laughs at his antics, frustrates at his frustrations and swells with love when snuggles come her way.

Mostly, I watch her give of herself with time and love. I admire that selflessness. Jerico is a lucky guy. Tyson is a lucky boy. I'm a lucky mom. We are a lucky family.

My disease has brought challenges to this family. Tanna laughs when I laugh, cries when I cry, yells when I rage and lifts me when I cannot stand.

Have I ever mentioned that I love Tim McGraw? I do. However, climbing up my list of wow-I-really-like-this-guy singers is Dierks Bentley. Tuesday I was driving home from an appointment when the radio began playing his song Woman. Amen.

I'd lose my way and I'd lose my mind
If I faced one day on my own
I know I was saved
The night that she gave this drifter's heart a home

This world has a way of shaking your faith
I've been broken again and again
But I need all the cracks in my shattered heart
'Cause that's where her love gets in

Every night I should be on my knees
Lord knows how lucky I am
I'll never say near enough
Thank God for this woman, Amen

She gives me faith
She gives me grace
She gives me hope
She gives me strength
She gives me love
Love without end
Thank God for this woman, Amen

So tonight I will fall down on my knees
'Cause Lord knows how lucky I am
I'm gonna shout at the top of my lungs
Thank God for this woman, Amen
And thank God for this woman, Amen

Tanna, thank you for becoming the woman you are. I'm so proud of the mother you have become. I silently watch you learn and grow while taking the information needed to better your life. You will never be caged. Your free spirit is enviable. Always remember your strength. Your beauty. Your kindness. Your humor. Remember to use your words.

Oh yeah. Always remember how much I love you.

Happy birthday. I can't wait to see what you do with the year ahead.

Beautiful People

The Steel Horse Family took off again. This year we went to Tombstone, Arizona. Helmets and leathers were donned and away we went to enjoy the wind and the sun. Lots of sun. In fact, nearly too much sun. Hot. It was super hot. Rick didn't live up to his "Black Rain Cloud" name and there wasn't a thunderstorm in sight.

We stopped for a bathroom break. I have hit the point where, try as I may, I cannot walk in the great outdoors unassisted. Yeah. Pisses me off. But that isn't what this blog is about.

EVERYONE is so thoughtful and always take a moment to make sure I get in to the restroom, get water or grab some food. Never, ever, EVER do I want for anything.

I try very hard to portray my gratitude. I'm sure they tire of my thank you's, but I say them nonetheless. I AM grateful.

Jan got the getting-Linnette-to-the-store duty. She let me hold her arm and slowed her pace to match my wobbles.

"Thank you."

"I'm just happy you're here."

Let me tell you, this simple statement was my focus the entire trip.

Don't get me wrong. I drank in the sights; wondered over cowboy-hood; enjoyed friends and family and patiently wait for Mark to reach back and pat my leg. I THOROUGHLY enjoyed our get-away.

However, this time I COULD NOT shake the sincerity and love in that simple statement.

I am so very lucky to have beautiful people in all walks of my life. I have family that adore me as well as unmatched friendship.

In 2006, Tim McGraw (have I mentioned that I love him?) released his Greatest Hits Volume 2 album titled Reflected. This album contains a song Beautiful People. This is the song that played over and over in my head as I kicked back on the bike and thought about my family, friends and various people who have crossed my path.

Tim croons:

They're just family, friends, and neighbors
Doing what they've always done
Lovin' fathers, lovin' daughters, lovin' mothers, lovin' sons
They gather 'round ole Glory
'Round the tables and the steeples
The beautiful people

Thank you, Jan. Thank you ALL for your gifts of hope, love, courage, laughter and strength. Thank you for believing in me and teaching me to believe in myself. Here's to all of the beautiful people in my world.

Yes. I'm a lucky girl.

My Wish

Jaden did it. He turned 18 on Friday. Seasons come and go. Holidays hit and leave. The tides ebb and flow. Before you know it, a year has passed and the time comes to celebrate your birth once again.

There isn't a day that goes by that Jaden doesn't say "Are you okay  Mom?" "Do you need anything?" I depend on him to unload my car when I get groceries. Usually I don't even ask. He just begins. Do you know how thoughtful that is? It is such a small gesture, yet it means the world to me.

Jaden graduated this year. The family convened at UVU to hoot and holler as my boy passed in his cap and gown. A couple of days before graduation, Goose came to me and stated that he and Daulton were going to make a lei out of dollar bills to give to Jaden to wear. I asked if I gave some cash if they would make one from Mom.

Jaden had two leis of $50 dollars each. (Which, by-the-way, it sure isn't easy to come by $100 when you are 17). Jaden walked out through the procession - with a single lei. "Where is his other lei?" "Did you give it to him?" Goose was in charge of the lei-giving and maybe he didn't give it to him. I hadn't seen their craftsmanship, maybe Goose and Daulton ran out of time and didn't get it made. What happened?

"Jaden gave it to one of his friends."

Of course he did.

That's how my kids roll. Generous and giving.

Orison Swett Marsden stated:

"Unless generosity of spirit prevails among men, there can never be upon earth an ideal life."

I think about that statement and I inevitably think about Jaden.

Jaden is still so young. Every single opportunity lies directly at his feet. He already holds the secret to the ideal life. That gift simply came to him. Check. Check. One item out of the way to grown-up-Jaden-hood.

The rest is a bit unknown. Will he be successful? Most definitely. See, success is only defined by WHO YOU ARE and what you do with the life that you have been given.

In 2006 Rascal Flatts released My Wish For You:

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
This is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you live,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance that you get
Find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take.
But more than anything,

...while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too.

Thank you, Jaden. Thank you for being born. Thank you for completing the Deason clan and making our family whole. Thank you for the gifts and the challenges you have brought to each. Thank you for all you bring; your inner strength; your talent; your hand-some-ness. Mostly thank you for your generous heart.

Get out there and become your dream.

5 More Minutes

I sent Jaden off to his last day of school. He graduates Monday. My heart races in anticipation of the changes that he will make in his world. Yet, my stomach boils. I'm not ready to be a grown-up. I genuinely miss my little kids. I miss them. I can't say it enough. I miss them.

This day is full of lasts. The last of my kids to attend Provo High. They have built a new school. Jaden is the final Senior class to attend the "old" school. The end of getting-up-and-taking-a-shower-before-school. The last phone call and email "This is Provo High School. Jaden was tardy/absent today." Um, why? Then a furious text to Jaden asking "why" followed with a statement that "I'm going to lose my #@$! if you missed class."

"Don't worry Mom. I've got it handled."

What does that even MEAN?

When Jaden was little and attending Franklin Elementary I got up every single morning to make him pancakes. My other kids were beyond mad at me. THEY didn't pancakes every morning. Heck. They were lucky to get bowls and spoons placed in front of them. "There are SO many of you. I can't function."

Should I make them SUPER mad at me? On cold days I would throw Jaden's socks in the oven to warm them up. Yep. I did that. It's a true story. One time I forgot about them and they melted. No lie. I opened the oven to an ooey-gooey mess.

Jaden by-passed Middle School and went to High School. Pancake time was over.

The drive to Provo High is spectacular at 7:00 in the morning. The sun hits the top of Mount Timpanogos just right and every morning I found myself exclaiming that "it is so beautiful today". More times than not, I was met with a mumble.

Jaden got his license. Goose and Daulton bought him a car. The morning drive to school ended.

Here I sit at my computer, tears falling as I remember vivid moments frozen in time. Do you think he gets it? Does he see the opportunities placed within his reach? All he needs to do is to reach out and grab hold.

Andy Andrews authored a book The Lost Choice. About the book, andyandrews.com writes:

Elegantly blending gripping fiction, extensive research, and a powerful message of hope, The Lost Choice illuminates the timeless principles for transforming your life and the world. ...Are you ready to make the personal discovery of a lifetime?

This was one of the books that Mark has read aloud to me. Pieces of a medallion are discovered. As time winds forward, other parts are found and when placed together the etching on the stone is revealed. The story of each stone is shared and their journey has stuck in my mind.

On page 79 you read:

"Because you have been made to make a difference. And I believe that you will."

I was driving home yesterday when Scotty McCreary's song Five More Minutes came on the radio:

Time rolls by the clock don't stop
I wish I had a few more drops
Of the good stuff, the good times
Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by
Like it ain't nothing
I wish I had me a pause button
Moments like those Lord knows I'd hit it
And give myself five more minutes

My thoughts turned to Jaden.

Og Mandino's book still resides on my desk. EVERY SINGLE DAY I read my scroll. I am on the Scroll Marked V.

I will live this day as if it's my last.

"And what shall I do with this last precious day which remains in my keeping? First, I will seal up its container of life so that not one drop spills itself upon the sand."

The hourglass can't be turned over. Time is a gift and five more minutes doesn't exist. You, Jaden, were placed on this earth to make a difference. Seal up your container of life and spill not a single drop.

You don't have to make a difference in the entire universe (that's a ton of pressure, isn't it?) Simply keep improving YOUR world. YOUR reality. YOUR future.

In turn, I will believe. In your hopes. Your dreams. Your ambition. Your ability. Your talent. Your kindness.

Don't you know you have already begun? YOU have made a difference in MY life.

Mother Goose

Goose turns 31 in three days. He goes on-call for the fire season the day before his birthday. Since the Hotshots are first on the schedule, we are assuming that he will be gone on his big day. Yuck. I love the fire season. He makes good money and his leadership abilities seem to grow and shine like a beacon. However, Daulton misses him, the family misses him and MOSTLY I miss him.

The kids always say "Goose is the golden child. You love him most." I answer "duh". And leave it at that.

I've always turned to Goose for help in fixing, remodeling or yard work. I know at times he tires of me running to him for everything. I simply enjoy working with him. I enjoy his company. We laugh. We talk. We tell stories. We share excitement over progress. It's so fun! So I ask. He helps. And my house is better because of it.

New Years rolled around and the cutest-couple-in-the-world (Daulton and Goose) were visiting and Daulton said "Tell your mom what we are doing for our New Year Resolution."

"We are looking up random facts everyday and sharing the knowledge of something we want to learn a bit about."

I wanted to join the group. Since they were put on the spot and couldn't say "no". I got to join.

We shared a variety of info from local legends behind the Timpview Mountain, to Dr. Seuss, to podcasts from Oprah. I absolutely LOVE that these two spend thought and energy in bettering themselves.

February rolled around and it was my turn to go. I hadn't yet researched what I wanted to share.

Goose sends a text. "I don't know who is up, but I'm going to go, cool?"

"Yes" I write "It's me. I totally forgot. Ugh. Sorry"

I begin to read the link my son sent.

The link is titled "An Expectant Dad's Guide To Pregnancy"

Realization dawned. I began to shake. Uncontrollably. I started typing "Why am I reading this?" It came out "ıut it cam out qty en i trsding?" So I called.

"Goose. Why am I reading this?"

"Why do you think Mama"

I freaking lost it. I was bawling so hard I couldn't speak.

My baby is having a baby and I couldn't be more proud.

Daulton and Goose will rock this parent stuff.

Back to the title of this blog. I have called my boy "Mother Goose" off and on through the years. Goose is super intense and spends time to not only improve his own abilities, but wants those around him to rise to their own capabilities. No more. No less.

That right there is why he is a good leader, a superb friend, a great brother and an amazing son.

At the end of one rhyme, Mother Goose wrote:

Jack's mother came by,
And caught the goose soon,
And mounting its back
Flew up to the moon.

Goose can fly to the moon. This much I know. If you make it to the moon? Check your list of friendships. I guarantee my boy is right there.

Happy birthday, son. Fly.

A Good And Faithful Servant

Mark called me on his birthday.

I answered the phone by singing, "Happy birthday to yoooooooo"

"I just got off the phone with Rick. Uncle Paul died. Rick, Theresa, Aunt Jacque, Uncle Johnny and Elise were with him when he died. "

"Oh."

It was awful. 

That night, while reading our book, the author quoted:

"...Well done, good and faithful servant."
Matthew 25:23

And I thought of my Uncle Paul.

Paul was the driving force in our family. I didn't get the opportunity to meet Grandpa Jack. I only knew Uncle Paul as the patriarch in the Deason family. He did it well, you know. 

Uncle Paul simply loved our family camp-outs. He would get to camp a few days early to organize, build and ready for the family to come. I don't know that we "kids" knew to what extent he would go to assure a perfect experience for each. The wood would be chopped and stacked, the fire pit dug and surrounded by logs for sitting, the bathroom dug and built, the kitchen staged and set, camp spots for each, wooden "chairs" for the little ones and even a shower for those that felt the need to cleanse. If it needed done, Uncle Paul was the one to make it happen.

My first impression of Uncle Paul was how very handsome this man is. I know. I know. I'm a bit biased. However, Uncle Paul was tall, lean and had the best eyes EVER. And he absolutely adored Aunt Charlene. She would tell her stories and he would simply shake his head and grin. One of the last times I got to visit with Uncle Paul, he told me "Man, I love her." And he meant it.

Uncle Paul quietly observed the goings-on in the Deason tribe. He was super smart and would watch stoically as we muddled and figured things out on our own. I admire that. I know, at times, he would have loved to knock our heads together. Yet he didn't. He met our grievances with humor - and taught us the same.

Uncle Paul taught "the boys" a love of camping, and fishing, and hunting while teaching them to respect the world in which we reside. There aren't many stories that Mark tells that don't include Uncle Paul.

The other day I was bathing. My iPod shuffled to Brantley Gilbert singing "One Hell Of An Amen". 

Doctor said he ain't got long
He just smiled said bring it on
If you think I'm scared
You got it all wrong
A little cancer can't break me
My heart's right and I believe
We all hit our knees
Started praying
No, he never gave up
Said the good Lord's waiting
And that's One Hell of an Amen
That's the only way to go
Fighting the good fight
'Til the good Lord calls you home
So be well, my friend,
Until I see you again
This is our last goodbye
But it's a Hell of an Amen

I love you, Uncle Paul. Thank you for teaching each of us to love God's creations. Thank you for guiding us with love and patience and kindness. Thank you for the twinkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips. Thank you for leading us through good times and trials.

Dumbledore said it best in Harry Potter:

"It's not really goodbye after all."

The Champion of my Heart

A new year has turned the corner. Today is Mark's birthday. And he's getting old....er....older. How did this age crap even happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that we were in High School and he was stealing an extra lunch and my MOM worked in the school cafeteria and SHE caught him and yelled at him in front of the entire school and Mark just looked at her. All Mark could say? "I was hungry." Yep. That really happened. Yesterday. Right?

A few months back, Mark and I were discussing all that we have done in our lifetime. Sometimes I envy my athletic/fatherly/honest/sailor/friendly/rock star/trucker/shop owner/hiking/karate kicking/jiu jitsu loving guy. Seems like he has done it all. I think he's done it all and doesn't give up until he is really, really, REALLY good at all he does. He's humble about his successes and does not brag on himself in any way.

I found it interesting that Mark stated, "I want to leave something important behind. Something that my kids and grandkids can talk about." Doesn't he know that he has already done that?

I don't want for anything. I like to say that it's because I don't ASK for anything. That's not really true. I don't ask because Mark would find a way to make it happen. And sometimes my wants are not nearly as important as my needs.

Montgomery Gentry sing Something To Be Proud Of. EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear:

Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed of how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, let me tell ya right now

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of

And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man

In 2005 Ron Howard wrote and directed the movie Cinderella Man. Mark Deming wrote on the rottontomatoes.com:

The true story of an athlete who achieved his greatest success against the most daunting odds of his life is brought to the screen in this historical drama. In the 1920s, James Braddock (Russell Crowe) from Bergen, NJ, was a promising contender in professional boxing; he had strength, spirit, and tenacity, but the combination of a serious hand injury and a 1929 defeat in a bout with light heavyweight champ Tommy Loughran sent his career into a serious tailspin. As Braddock's career in the ring dried up, the Great Depression put a stake through the heart of America's economy, and Braddock found himself working at the New York docks for pitiful wages as he tried to support his wife, Mae (Renée Zellweger), and three children. Desperate for money, Braddock turned to his former trainer and manager Joe Gould (Paul Giamatti), who was unexpectetedly able to scare up a bout for him, battling John Griffin at Madison Square Garden. While conventional wisdom had it that Braddock was too old, out of shape, and out of practice to have any chance of winning, he defeated Griffin, and continued beating his opponents with a powerful left hook that had been intensified by years of punishing dock work. In a nation desperate for good news, Braddock's surprising comeback became a tonic to struggling workers and unemployed people, and all eyes were on Braddock when in 1935 he took on powerful heavyweight champion Max Baer (Craig Bierko) in what was both literally and figuratively the fight of his life.

The Deason family owns this movie and periodically it finds its way to the DVD player. We pop popcorn and settle in with the yummy goodness, warm blankies and the guarantee of a wonderful movie.

Mae (René Zellweger) didn't want James to fight. At all. She worried that something would happen to James and, quite frankly, she kinda liked him and wanted to keep him around. Mae sent James off to fight, yet the fight was truly at home. She was mad and scared and no amount of money could make this right by her. She wasn't speaking to him. As the movie progresses you see the fear in her eyes, but they are met with determination in his. 

A few months back, Mark took up jiu jitsu. He fights and rolls with the best of them. He comes home bruised, winded, sweaty and sore.

In February, the Utah State Jiu Jitsu Championship came to Salt Lake City. Mark enrolled. I said all the right words "You'll rock it." This is going to be fun." "I'm excited to go. Really, I was thinking "What if you get hurt?" "Can you do this?" "Do you have any idea how OLD you are?"

Mae makes her way to the Braddock locker room before the fight. She says:

Maybe I understand, some, about having to fight. So you remember who you are...you're the Bulldog of Bergen, and the pride of New Jersey, you're everybody's hope, and the kids' hero, and you are the champion of my heart...

Off to the Utah Open Gi, No Gi tournament we went. After getting me in the door and settled (which is a workout in and of itself), Mark made his way to change. Goose, Daulton and Uncle Mike showed up just in time to watch Mark's first match.

He won! OHMYGOSH! HE WON! After fighting and rolling and sweating and (in his words) leaving his soul on the mat, my husband became the State Champion.

I about burst with pride. I know how hard he worked for this moment. I saw the sweat. I saw the bruises. I heard the stories. I watched the bad moves and the awful You Tube videos. All that faded to the distant past. Mark was a Gold Medalist and the Utah BJJ State Champion.

And the champion of my heart.

Greet This Day...

Years ago, I punched a cop right in the mouth. No lie. He had said something stupid about my family - trying to get a rise out of me. I rose all right. I rose up out of my chair and said "You need a mother REALLY BAD". And proceeded to punch him square in the mouth.

Ummmmmm. Just so you know, if you punch a cop, you get taken to jail.

He was a dirty cop. He's since been fired for - guess what - abusing his power with women. Following two torn rotator cuffs, multiple bruising, and, um, his "abuse of power" I found myself court ordered to attend an Anger Management class.

I graduated Anger Management (I have a Certificate to prove it). However, I left more angry than when I entered. The class was filled with domestic abusers that need a mommy really bad. I wanted to smack them right in the kisser and at times the teacher and I did NOT see eye to eye.

However, I did learn that anger is a secondary emotion and I have learned to not head directly to that fire. I've learned to take a moment, gather my senses, and figure out what's really going on in the warped mind of Linnette Deason.

When I'm super tired, reading is more than difficult for me. I absolutely-beyond-a-shadow-of-doubt LOVE to read. When the not-being-able-to-read-at-night hammer fell, Mark picked up the slack and began reading out loud to me.

One of our first books was The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews. I absolutely loved this book. According to andyandrews.com the premise is:

Forty-six-year-old David Ponder feels like a total failure. Once a high-flying executive in a Fortune 500 company, he now works a part-time, minimum wage job and struggles to support his family. Then, an even greater crisis hits: his daughter becomes ill, and he can’t afford to get her the medical help she needs. When his car skids on an icy road, he wonders if he even cares to survive the crash. 

But an extraordinary experience awaits David Ponder. He finds himself traveling back in time, meeting leaders and heroes at crucial moments in their lives—from Abraham Lincoln to Anne Frank. By the time his journey is over, he has received seven secrets for success—and a second chance.  The Traveler's Gift offers a modern day parable of one man's choices—and the attitudes that make the difference between failure and success.

Let's be honest. I'm not really in to self-help books. When Mark and I treat ourselves to Barnes & Noble, we immediately separate. I begin my own book adventure and he heads straight to the self-help section. The arrogant part of me secretly smiles and I think "Dude, there aren't enough books written to help you."

Turns out, after reading this book, I need a TON of help.

Mark and I loved this book so much, that we moved on to read several books written by Andy. He penned The Seven Decisions and talks about reading several biographies from successfully-great people. He picked the bones of greatness clean and found seven common threads that enabled success.

Og Mandino is mentioned. Have you heard of him? I hadn't. He authors the WILDLY successful book The Greatest Salesman in the World. Mr. Mandino published the book in 1968 and The Greatest Salesman continues to fly from the shelves to this day.

Og writes that in order to get rid of bad habits, they have to be replaced with good. To make an action a habit, the practice must exist for thirty days until it becomes second nature. The new habits are found in scrolls. The book resides on my desk and while pulling up my computer I read my scroll for the day.

I'm only on the first scroll - The Scroll Marked II. The Scroll Mark I is a kinda-sorta guide on how to make the scrolls work for you. The reader is admonished to read the individual scroll three times a day for thirty days before moving to the next.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

That's the first scroll. I'm working VERY hard to replace my anger with love. According to the scroll if you just THINK the words, "they will shine in my eyes, unwrinkled my brow, bring a smile to my lips, and an echo in my voice..."

The challenge moves forward to YOU, my friend. Try this. If you feel like it, go buy the book. It's a SUPER easy read and a mere 111 pages to peruse. You get halted on page 63 as your work begins for 30 days.

If you're not ready to read the book, you don't get out of the challenge. Sorry. Too bad for you.

Greet this day with love. Silently. And to yourself. Love everyone.

I promise. It will change your life.

Mighty Mite

It's been a bit since I've blogged. Do I need to apologize? I'm not sure. HOWEVER, it has been a while. Everything I know went a bit topsy-turvy and I've spent any spare time holding myself together OR holding my new grand baby. Yup! You heard me right. I have a new grandson. His name is Tyson Trenton Jackson and was born on January 27, 2018. Do I need to say that he is adorable, sweet, strong, demanding, funny and absolutely-beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt the cutest baby that ever lived? Ever.

Do you think I'm a bit prejudiced?

I am.

Tanna and Jerico have stayed here in Provo for a while now. Tanna kept her OB Doctor here and was pretty adamant that baby was to be born in Utah County. She was right, you know.

January 26 rolled around and Tanna had been having labor pains off and on for a couple of weeks now. You know the kind that stop after a hot bath or relaxing on the couch for a while? Tanna was dialated to MAYBE a 2 and according to the laments of Tanna "This baby is NEVER going to come."

"You're right Tanna. You're going to be pregnant FOREVER. Get used to it." I don't know how to put an eye roll in black and white - but my eyes were rolling around in my head. Hard.

Back to January 26. Tanna, Jerico and I watched television for a while. We kept having to pause the show in order to time Tanna's contractions. I went to bed thinking "We're having that baby tonight."

Tanna woke me up aout 3:00. "Mom, the contractions are steady. And worse. We have to go."

I jumped up, put on my clothes, grabbed a blanket (because I'm always cold), ran a brush through my hair, brushed my teeth and readied myself to greet my new grandson.

I followed in my car as Jerico led us to Timpanogos hospital. We got Tanna in a room and settled in a bed and the games began. Between moaning and groaning and cussing and swearing and crying and hollering, Tanna decided to go with an epidural.

I had all five of my kids natural. No drugs. No epidural. Just labor. And pain. It was a decision I had made and at times I forget that the entire world DOES NOT have to think like I do. I'm pretty against epidurals, however as I watched my baby hurt like that, tears streamed from my face and all I could think was "Thank goodness." The wimp that I am COULD NOT handle the hurt any longer.

Rest came. We all napped a bit and before we could process everything, it was time to have a baby.

I have never seen a birth. I have GIVEN birth 5 times, however, this time I was able to hold the hand  of my beautiful daughter and witness her becoming the single most important person in the world to another human. A mother. A lifeline. A best friend. A leader. A gift.

Tyson Trenton Jackson changed our world on January 27, 2018 at 3:50pm weighing in at 7 lbs 1 oz and measuring 19.25 inches.

Tyson took one breath, turned a black/purple color and went limp.

I have been on a super-hero kick. I'm currently watching season one of Jessica Jones on Netflix. Tanna, Jerico and myself watched 2 seasons of the Punisher, moved right into Daredevil, and just wrapped up The Defenders.

I watch every-day-normal people find an inner strength to match their capabilities.

My baby Tyson did that. NICU rushed in the room, grabbed the baby and began working on him. I watched Mark - both hands grabbing his head - pacing back and forth without saying a word, yet daring the doctors to mess up. I wobbled between the new little guy and my daughter reassuring her that all was well and back to Tyson willing him to breathe. Just breathe! I watched his chest pump up and down. He was trying with ALL OF HIS MIGHT to breathe in and I was willing him with ALL OF MY MIGHT to gasp the breath of life.

Tyson began to breathe - shallow gasping breaths. But he was breathing. Tanna was able to hold him for a minute before he was whisked away to NICU.

Baby Tyson had blood infections. He was a sick boy. He endured a spinal tap, feeding tubes, MULTIPLE IV's, a picc line and all of the worries that come with NICU.

Guess what? Two weeks later, he decided that enough was enough and that boy went off the oxygen, dismissed the infections and squalled like a champ. Tyson came home and slept mightily in Grandmas loving arms.

I think about super heroes. I have portrayed my entire family in one way or another in the same circle as a hero. When others run from fear and hurt and danger, my family will be there to stabilize the fear and slay the dragons. I have no doubt.

Welcome baby Tyson. Nope. You don't get a cool cape or form fitting spandex to prove you are a super hero. However, you are. You have the strength of a champion and the heart of a hero. You're going to change the world. Deason style.

New Beginnings

It's been a year now. Tanna came to me and stated that she wanted to free herself from the prison of heroin and the chains of meth. My eyes rolled in my head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard it all before. "I'll do better mom. I promise." Then right back on the streets she would go.

Except this time.

She got clean.

Drugs seem like a distant past now. I (at times) forget the stress and anguish and fear that enveloped me. The more time marches forward, the more dream-like (albeit nightmarish) the memories become.

To say I'm proud of her is an understatement. I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again. 

I haven't had the best of weeks. Yes, It's only Thursday. New beginnings can be hard can't they? I lay in bed last night and re-ran the success of my family through my mind. Initially, I wanted to blog about my daughter. However, I found my thoughts turning to my entire family and I wanted to share a bit of each.

Here goes.

Tyson has had the kids over the last couple of days. I watch him as a father. He rocks this "daddy" business. As I watch MY little boy father his little Bill and Hailey, my heart fills with pride. I see the man in him come out in staggering proportion. Tyson is learning and growing into his leadership. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

The LonePeak Hotshots would be less Hot-Shotty without my Goose. The movie Only The Brave was released. Starring Josh Brolin, Miles Teller and Jeff Bridges, the movie is (according to IMDb)  "Based on the true story of the Granite Mountain Hotshots, a group of elite firefighters who risk everything to protect a town from a historic wildfire."

I was so excited to go. I was going. I was going. I was GOING.

I didn't go.

I had gone to a different movie and the previews to Only The Brave played. I saw the firefighters dressed in the green pants and yellow shirts and bawled DURING THE PREVIEWS. Shelby was aghast. "You can't go to the movie."

The other day I was telling Mark how Goose worries me. He's in charge now. The crew looks to him for guidance and (at times) it scares me. Mark reassured me that Goose will not EVER put his guys in harms reach. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

Daulton begins a new job. She has been working her dream in a job with a Top 5 accounting firm. She has made a name for herself and I watch while other firms zig and zag to recruit Daulton.

This girl put herself through school and got her Masters in Accounting. People get their Masters Degree all the time right? I watched Daul go to school. I watched her self-discipline with wonder. The girl BECAME. There is no other way to describe her. She is the most humble person I know. I say that ferociously. DAULTON IS THE MOST HUMBLE PERSON I KNOW. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

I mentioned that Tanna is free of drugs. Have I mentioned that she is going to be "Mommy" now? Well, she is. Baby Tyson Trenton Jackson is due in a couple of weeks. We are having contractions, so I look to see him come any day now. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

As of Tuesday, Shelby is a student at UVU. She is about to finalize her degree in photography. She is creative and has an eye for the lens. Many have told me how good she is. She will be known for her hard work; for her ability to see beyond what is in front of her. She will rock the photography world. You just hide and watch. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

Jaden is beginning the end of High School. He has a lifetime ahead. EVERY SINGLE door is open for him to simply step through. His intelligence is inspiring and when he lassos his ability? Let me just say this boy will change the world. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

Mark is forever seeking new beginnings. He is fearless when faced with change. This guy exudes confidence in his ability to make things right. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

The world is full of selfishness and sadness and loneliness and heartache. You can hurt beyond understanding. When your eyes fall on the cracks and fissures in the landscape of life, there lies love and hope and belief. That's pretty cool, right?

It's a new day for the Deason family. Thank you Tyson, Goose, Daulton, Tanna, Shelby, Jaden and Mark for the gifts you so willingly share - for the new beginnings placed at your feet and your ability to make them a slave to your spirit.

And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.