The Evil Among Us

I'm watching the news. I've been sitting here all day. I'm stunned that another human being could walk into a school, a theater, a mall and aim a gun at the innocent.

I'm disgusted that we do this to ourselves. It's not rocket science. Be nice to those you meet. Don't judge. Don't bully. Don't retaliate when you are hurt.  Remember the most important commandment?

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. [Matthew 7:12]  

Maybe we all need to take a look at our moral compass and see what we stand for. According to Wikipedia, Malcolm X is the guy to say, "Stand for something or you will fall for anything."

Steel yourself to stand for good.

These are the best of times...and the worst of times.

Periodically I return to my blog and read my thoughts. Is that weird? Hmmm. I don't know if it is or not, but I do it and I will most likely continue to do so.

Some of my stuff is VERY dramatic. A couple of weeks ago a girl that reads Shelby's blog put her up for the Liebster Award. It's some award that is for bloggers that are just starting out in the blogging craze. It helps to get their name out there and let others see their stuff. Pretty cool, I think.

Anyhow, while looking into the award, I Googled "Liebster Award" and came across quite a few blogs that had been nominated. I read a few that were light and silly and fun and clever and humorous. Mine isn't really like that. I  don't know if that is good or bad. To be honest, I was a bit dismayed. I have this vision of myself as a 60's child. You know, light, airy, easy, free. After re-reading my thoughts I think my vision may be a bit skewed. Sigh.

Once again, I'll write about what is going on. It feels heavy. So much for light and airy.

I went to a funeral again this week. I should have attended another funeral. I intended to attend it, but I got hit by a flu bug this week and I spent yesterday snorting and sniffing snot instead of giving support to my friend, Brit. 

Shelby has a group of boys that are her friends. True to form, if my kids call them friend, I call them friend. So the correct statement would be that I have a friend named Charlie who buried his mother this week. It was awful. Charlie is Shelby's age and I couldn't help but think about my kids and how difficult and sad it would be to leave them. My heart literally HURTS for Charlie and his family. I have lost sleep worrying about them. Awful. Awful. Awful.

I was at the funeral (which was BEAUTIFUL). We sat near the back and I could hear the conversation between the two couples sitting behind us. They were friends that hadn't seen each other in a while. They were catching up on "how the kids were", "how they were growing", "how much time had passed". They laughed and joked and joshed with each other. It was quite entertaining. What gave me pause was when they were talking about "the only time we see anybody is at funerals." They talked about this for a bit. I didn't turn around to see them, but you could hear the sadness in their voices.

I contemplate on this "time" of my life. I love many, many, many parts of my life. I love being a Grandma. I love seeing my kids as grown-ups. I love that they are successful, kind, giving individuals that contribute to those surrounding them. I love adding members to my family. I didn't know we were missing anybody in our family, until Diana and Daulton rolled around and all I could think was "Oh, THERE you are. We were missing you." Every addition makes my family more and more and more and more complete. I love that I don't try to please people anymore. At times, I embarrass my kids (namely Shelby), but I don't have ANY tolerance for mean people, lazy people or bullies. And now I'm not afraid to say it out loud. I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

Yet, I'm afraid of losing my parents. I'm afraid of losing the Aunts and Uncles that were so crucial in forming and molding me into a somewhat decent human being. It saddens me that I don't have Grandparents around to see that I'm okay and to check in at times with my kids to tell them the stories that I used to hear.

My Aunt Sue was diagnosed yesterday with Breast Cancer. Yes, in case the name rings a bell, it's the Aunt Sue that just buried her daughter to Cancer. It's so scary. They caught it really early and I believe, hope and pray that all go well for her, but that's a horrible word to hear and I know she is afraid.

Makes me crazy with worry and fear and anger and sadness. 

I know I can't focus on the bad. I can't fear my future. Right now, I'll process this last week. I'll stop the pity party because it's not about me and I'll offer my love and support to the people who are REALLY going through this. 

Winnie the Pooh said:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 

I'm a really, really, REALLY lucky girl.

Standing on Shoulders

The other day Mark and I had to go pick up a motorcycle from a guy that needed help getting his bike to our shop. We ventured to Orem and met him in the parking lot of WalMart and followed him to his house. We drove right by the house that my friend Becky Hoyt used to own.

A rush of memories flooded my thoughts. I always say that Becky was my Young Womens Advisor when I was young. But, technically, she wasn't. She was the Advisor to the group of girls younger than myself. Something clicked between the two of us. I liked her. She was funny. She was beautiful. She was a great mom. She was compassionate, caring and an all-around-pretty-great-gal. I met her and liked her, but I didn't know the true test of her character that I would witness that would weld our friendship together.

I was 16 and (keeping the story short) I ran away from home. I don't care to explain my actions. Suffice it to say that it was necessary for me to leave and I have ABSOLUTELY NO regrets. None.

Let me tell you, when you step outside of the box and do something that doesn't fit into regular Society, you find out REAL QUICK who your friends are. I'll just politely say that when I came home, many, MANY people had plenty to say to me and if they COMPLETELY lacked character, they would just say it behind my back. Whatever.

As I mentioned, Becky was in a leadership position in the church I attended. She heard the talk. She attended meetings and listened what the other leaders and the girls were saying. Becky made a stand. She climbed right over that wall that others had built up and she stood right beside me.

Years have passed, but my love for Becky has never dwindled. I have many, many stories tucked away in my heart. I think of the time, energy, financial help and friendship she has given me and wonder how my life would have turned out without her in it.

Becky used to take me for drives. She grew up here in the Provo area and she would drive me to her old neighborhoods and tell me stories. Her "stories" always had a lesson. Sometimes they were lessons on forgiveness, sometimes just about life in general i.e.,  motherhood, marriage, church, friendship. She became an integral cog in the wheel of Linnette-adulthood.

I went to her when I was lonely. I went to her when I was happy. She taught me to tole paint. I ironed while she sewed. Our kids played together. Our kids fought together. I love her dearly and am blessed to know her.

Becky might be one in a million. I'm pretty sure she is. What's really, really cool about my story, is that I won the jackpot when it comes to friendship and love.

Becky is the foundation of this story, but she isn't the only story I have. Maybe as my blogging continues, more stories will come out.

Isaac Newton said:

"If I have seen further than others; it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants."

I am surrounded by giants. I have been lifted upon their shoulders when I couldn't see my way. I have never been able to repay these gifts of love. I just pay forward. And maybe, someday, I'll be the Becky Hoyt in somebody else's life.

Divided We Fall

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

If you were to write a list of words to describe me, the first word that comes to mind wouldn't be "patriotic". The list would be composed of words like "crazy", "goofy", "clumsy" and then somewhere down the list you would find patriotic.

Don't get me wrong - I do love this country in which I live. I love the Fourth of July. I love the flag. I cry at EVERY patriotic assembly my kids have done at Franklin Elementary. I am humbled at what our forefathers (and Mothers) had to endure in order to gain freedoms that they could only dream about and in which we now so selfishly take for granted. I was driving the other day and one of the radio stations began their morning with some students from one of our local schools reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Brought tears to my eyes. Some of my favorite songs of all time are patriotic songs AND (I design for a living) I think red, white and blue go really swell together.

I think about the pledge. Years ago there was a HUGE controversy over "one Nation under God".  Yet, most of the time, I wonder if REAL controversy is the misunderstanding of the word "allegiance". I looked up the exact meaning of the word in my handy dandy pocket size Webster Dictionary. (Yes, I'm old and at times still look into BOOKS for answers.)

It is defined as:

2  : devotion or loyalty to a person, group, or cause

A little history lesson here from ushistory.org:

On June 14, 1777, the Continental Congress, seeking to promote national pride and unity, adopted the national flag. "Resolved: that the flag of the United States be thirteen stripes, alternate red and white; that the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new constellation."

Our country that I LOVE is falling apart. I watch the election process and follow the results and am disgusted at the dissension that immediately follows. I am not necessarily pro-Obama.  So don't think I've got my panties in a ruffle and am telling you he is the-most-wonderful-President-that-we-have-ever-had. I just want to say that he is THE President of MY country. He is the President of YOUR country.

From the time we are very young, we recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Every professional ball game begins with the National Anthem. Attendees and Players all stand with their hands over their hearts and mouth the words:

O say can you see by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there; O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

I think that at times we forget what we were taught the very first day of kindergarten. Allegiance. I pledged at a very young age that I would hold true to my country. I plan to do just that. My flag DOES fly over the land of the free and the home of the brave.

One boy...one girl...

Of course this post is about the wedding. Duh! What a PERFECT event! Beautiful setting. Stunning bride. Handsome groom. Sigh. Perfection.

It warmed my heart to see the friends and family that attended. As the line came through, I was genuinely shocked to see so many loved ones that went out of their way to come out in the freezing cold and snow to give us a hug and whisper "congratulations".

My entire family cleaned up REALLY good. WOOT WOOT 

I couldn't ask for a better day.

Mark wrote a song and sang it to the bride and groom at the luncheon. When we get it done at the studio, I'll post it for you all to hear. Pictures will follow soon.

Until then, here's to dancing, happiness, twinkling lights, beautiful dresses, handsome men, Goose's firefighting brothers, Shelby's friends, my perfect family, good friends, great love...

Again. Really?

I've had a two week break from my computer. Again. I have kidney problems. Again. I've had surgery. Again. Pain. Again. Hurts to pee. Again. I'm frustrated. Again.

Tuesday the 23rd of October I found myself in severe pain. I knew it was kidney related, but I couldn't believe that I would have problems so soon after my last surgery in July. So I kind of ignored it and hoped it would go away. It didn't.

We called my doctor and asked if we should come there or just go to the ER. We were directed to come into the office and they would get my pain under control. We drove there. I swear I was beginning to wonder if I would make it. Funny how everything goes into slow motion when you are in that much pain. The drive took forever. The walk to the elevator took forever. Walking into the office took forever. Registration took forever. The pain medicine took forever.

Finally, we got the pain under control and Dr. Platt sent me down to get x-rays. Dr. Platt thought he saw a very small kidney stone in my left kidney. He told me to keep my pain under control with meds and hope it passes soon. I had overheard him tell Mark that if I had a fever I needed to get ahold of him immediately. He left instruction to call him at home day or night. (Yeah. He's a really good guy.)

We went home and I went to bed. I slept. I slept into the morning. I slept into the afternoon and when I woke up, I knew I had a fever. I could feel the ache behind my eyes. The ache was in my bones. I was sweating. I was freezing. And I couldn't find my dumb thermometer.

I called my ever-so-cute neighbor Celeste. She brought over a thermometer and Yep! I was at 101.5. Called the doctor, they said get to the OR right now. Poor Mark was down piddling in the garage with one of his friends when Celeste went barreling down the stairs to let him know I needed to get to the hospital RIGHT NOW.

We got to the hospital and 20 minutes later I was in surgery. Come to find out my kidney was blocked by something other than a stone and some of my urine had backed up. My kidney was septic. My blood was septic. I was in pretty bad shape. I stayed in the hospital until Friday. I woke up Friday with pain in my right side. When the doctor made his rounds I told him about the pain. He pulled out the CT scan I had done the night before and I have a kidney stone in my right side that will have to be surgically removed. Soon. Really?

The doctor had to put in a stent to help get that kidney to drain the infection. I've been on antibiotics. I had been in some serious pain. I had a stent in from June to July. I at least functioned. Not this time. I have barely been able to walk. It hurt to stand. Hurt to sit. Hurt to lay on my back. Hurt to lay on my left side. I could only lay on my right side and only until the pain medicine wore off and I could take more.

I am not a pain med kind of gal. I don't like how they make me feel. I used a whole bottle. I tried to stay off them, but by evening I had to take them or there would be absolutely no sleep for me. I was miserable. I was depressed. I was scared.

Goose is getting married in a week. I told the doctor that I HAD to be there. The way I was feeling, I could not have made it. He agreed to remove the stent.

Thursday I went to the office to remove the stent. I told the doctor I have been peeing blood since I left the hospital. I have been in excruciating pain. I don't know if he believed me until he got the scope inside and saw my insides are filled with blisters and sores. Apparently my body rejected this stent and every time I moved I was working sores and blisters into my body. No wonder I was so miserable.

I am recovering nicely with the stent removed I am terribly tired still, but I FEEL better. I have the wedding on the 10th of November and I will be there crying like a baby. But these will be tears of joy.

I have surgery again on the 16th and hopefully this will be the last bout I have to go through. Dr. Platt is going to have me come in at the end of the year after all the surgeries and infections are behind me and we are going to send in a sample of urine in hopes of finding out what is causing all this grief.

That's the update on me. That's why I haven't been writing again. I have plenty to say. I miss writing and hope to get back at it with vengeance. I think it's kinda cool that there are a few people out there that like MY words.

Thank you.

Hugs....

Blustery Days

Oh the wind is lashing lusterly

And the trees are thrashing thrusterly

And the leaves are rustling gusterly

So it's rather safe to say

That it seems that it may turn out to be

It feels that it will undoubteadly

Looks like a rather blustery day today

When you enter my house, you walk directly into the Pooh room. I started collecting Classic Pooh stuff a few years ago. I love this room. When I refinished my wood floors in that room, I decided to go with a more contemporary style and polished look. I bought new furniture and put in new lighting and finished the floors and painted and hammered and glued and nailed and made the room really nice. When I talked about changing the "theme" of the room, my kids just about fell apart on me. I was outvoted and the Pooh room it still is. 

Last night I was sitting in the Pooh room and my eyes landed on this picture of Pooh and Piglet walking hand in hand through a blustery day. I closed my eyes and smiled. I thought about what my family is going through. I thought about what my daughters (Shelby, Megan and Daulton) are going through. I thought about what my SuperWonderfulOhMyGoshILoveHerSoMuch friend, Pat, is facing,  I thought about my dad and how he's doing with his cancer treatments, but because I'm only human and sometimes I'm a selfish human, I mostly thought about me and what I'm going through and how I'm doing and what I'm going to do.

I'll begin with my girls. They have a dear, dear DEAR friend who was in a car accident and prognosis is grim. He has been in TICU for 9 days now. His mother posts updates twice a day on facebook. I have to hand it to her, it must be terribly difficult to write and attempt to keep your emotions in check in order to share medical information and the highs of good news and the heart dropping bad news. But facebook has become a lifeline to Christian and the girls are clinging to every morsel of information. I watch them and worry and worry and worry and pray that they will be okay and that Christian will be okay and that his parents and family will be okay and then I wonder if anyone will ever be okay after this. It's awful. 

Years ago I lived in an apartment complex in Provo and I became friends with the Nakai family. (pronounced Nah - KI) They are (politically correct here) native american. Pat is the mom and she is my friend. Our kids grew up together and we have remained friends through many years. Pat came to my house on Monday. She had just left the Doctors Office and has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's scared. I'm scared. We're scared. I worry about her health. I worry about her mind. I worry. I worry. I worry.

I know this isn't "about me". But, if it's not, why is that my stomach hurts this whole week? Why can't I sleep? Why can't I concentrate?

Friday morning my brother, Scott, shot himself in the head. He's dead. I'm not freaking out. It is what it is. To be honest, I don't know why I'm writing all of it out, but it's one of those things that I need to tell my friends.  I'm not wanting to post it on facebook and I'm not wanting to make a million phone calls. I called an aunt on one side of my family and an aunt on the other side of the family and asked them to share the news. They have and I will be forever grateful that they took that burden from me and carried it on their own shoulders.

Without giving details, my brother and I were not close. I refused to be around him and can count on one hand the times we were in the same space since I was 18 years old. Time didn't heal those wounds and absence didn't make my heart grow fonder. Time has given me the opportunity to keep feelings at bay, and absence helped my heart to heal.

There is too much to say as to the why and how of all of it, but suffice it to say that it happened, my parents are in a turmoil. He hurt many, many, MANY  people and I can't seem to be able to sort through all the garbage right now.

Enough about that. Blustery days are upon me. I'm grateful for friends, family, even strangers that are walking through the forest with me. Pooh and Piglet have each other. I have you.

So it's rather safe to say

That it seems that it may turn out to be

It feels that it will undoubteadly

Looks like a rather blustery day today