The Great Unknown

Today marks one year since Dad's passing. My relationship with Dad came late in life - not smeared with adolescence insolence or childhood insecurities. I have always vehemently stated that our relationship was perfect. We were uninterested in the hurt and pain that often accompanies family. He had NO idea of the stupid stuff I did when I was a kid and I held no grudges of the less than ideal moments he might have been guilty of as a parent. Our past, present and future was unsoiled and I was so lucky.

My heart broke when Dad died. The shatter brought me to my knees. Mark tried with all of his might to console me. I was comfortless and one year later I don't see myself recovering any time soon.

It's been a whole year of firsts. Dad's wife, Arlene, has struggled with these. It's been hard for her to be alone. She misses the bickering that comes with years of marriage. The anger, the pouting, the silent treatment, the slamming and the muttering all seem to fade when you lose someone you truly love. You find yourself remembering the camping trips, the long drives in the car, the conversations, the meals cooked and shared, date night at your favorite restaurant and the comfortable silence of their presence.

One day I was sitting at my counter eating Top Ramen - of all things. I looked out the window in time to see a couple get out of their car and head up the sidewalk to my house. "I know them, but who the crap are they?" It was Dad and Arlene. 

When I came to my senses and rushed to the door to greet them, I asked "OHMYGOSH! Why are you here?" They had heard that I had gotten a not-so-nice-letter from someone and it had rocked my small world a bit. Dad had driven 12 hours because I "might need a hug from your dad." And they hugged me. And we cried. And my cup runneth over.

Today EVERYTHING reminds me of my dad. I still smell the outdoors he wore as cologne. I remember the feel of his curly hair. The sensation of his warmth wrapped around me lingers on my shoulders. I hear his music and it commingles with the tinkling of his laughter. I miss the sound of his voice. 

Life without someone you love is like entering a great unknown. You don't know what's ahead. You can't have what is behind. So you wing it - never knowing when a touch, a smell, a song, a poem, a voice or a presence tickles your brain and tears begin to flow.

I have a frame above my desk with pictures of dad and myself on the first day we met. I look at it and remember him. I hope I honor him. Although our time together was short, I hope I made him proud.

I love you Dad. 

A Diamond in the Dust

Another year has circled around and landed smack dab on Tanna's birthday. Oh what to say? So many thoughts and worries and lectures and hopes and dreams and desires about this girl keep me up at night. However, a year ago there was not a moment that I didn't think I would lose my girl. Drugs. Stupid drugs. Tanna was embroiled in them and as a family, we were beyond helpless.

Tanna has been clean 7 months now. Let me repeat that. TANNA HAS BEEN CLEAN SEVEN MONTHS NOW. And I'm proud.

Yes, friends, we have a long way to go. A lifetime of change doesn't happen in months. I know that. However, the hours lead to days, days lead to months, months lead to years and years lead to lifetimes. The steps are becoming easier. As footsteps lighten, we weigh ourselves down on another item to place our focus. Someday, we will get back to who she was before her life hit a brick wall.

Today is to celebrate the birth and life of my daughter.

Have I ever told you that I like Tim McGraw? In case you were wondering, I do. I like his music ALOT.

Goose and his wife Daulton, dear Uncle Mike, nephew Mat, friend Cale and hubby Mark all went hiking and backpacking the Wind Rivers in Wyoming. No I didn't go. The conversations went something like:

"You should come with us. I can make a pack for you and carry you wherever you need to go"

"Are there hotels? Room service?"

He looked at me incredulously, "No."

"Then no...HECK NO... I'm not going."

Let's be honest, even if I could walk like a champ, I wouldn't go. Eating fish for nine days, sleeping on the ground, and finding a bush for toilet coverage is not my cup of tea. Go figure.

Instead, Tanna and I left to go see Arlene in Washington. Other than for the memorial, I haven't been back since dad passed. That's a blog for another time. The trip was tinged with sadness, but what a great visit! Spending time with family is always good for your soul, isn't it?

I haven't been on a trip with Tanna for many many MANY years and the open road was speaking to us. The journey was prepared, road snacks were purchased, car was cleaned and vacuumed and the song playlist was made.

We were just outside of Boise when Tim McGraw played.

I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I've got a few old habits left
But there's still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see
There's a diamond under all this dust

And that, my friend, is my daughter. Getting better. A long way to go, but that diamond is beginning to show.

I admire Tanna for working so hard. She is not complacent with life and is working constantly to better herself.

Mark Twain penned:
In twenty years, you will be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did.

Live to do. Not to want. My daughter taught me that. Tanna has nothing, yet wants for nothing. She is one of the most unworldly people I know. She wants the best for you and is learning to want the best for herself. Change is inevitable, so why not make change good?

The search can be far and wide, but you will NEVER find a more beautiful girl than my Tanna. Inside. Outside. This girl has it. Loyal. Honest. Kind. Giving. Tender. Emotional. Friendly. Caring. 28 years has given her the strength to finally fall on her knees and give herself permission to help herself.

She's a diamond alright. She sparkles with life and is strong beyond measure.

One thing about dust. It can be blown away, right?

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie
I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

Happy birthday, my sweet girl. I'm a lucky mom.

Ashes to Ashes

I've had this writing on my mind for over a year now. It's been hard to write my thoughts because I so desire to do a perfect job. Alas, it may not be perfect, however, I want to get these words down. Here goes:

Last summer I went to visit my cousin, Ronda, in St. George.  Aunt June and Uncle Roy were headed that way and asked if I wanted to tag along. I'm a sucker for a free ride with dear family-friends, so of course I said "Yes".

The summer of 2011 I got a phone call. "Cori passed away." What? Cori is Ronda and Sonny's youngest daughter. She was merely 22 years old and I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that she was gone.

My kids grew up playing with Lexi and Cori. For a time, I lived only 15 miles from Ronda and Sonny. Periodically we found our way to visit. And play they would. Every childhood game was enjoyed and argued and ruled and laughed at and shared.

Cori was a force to be reckoned with. She always had a strong will coupled with a great sense of humor. She was honorable, kind, strong and good - all wrapped in a dang pretty package.

While visiting Ronda, Aunt June pulled out her camera. June, Ronda and Ronda's mother-in-law had been on a vacation. If my memory serves me right, they went to Scotland, Ireland and other scenic places. They had a grand time and we all got to share in their adventures thanks to Facebook posts.

June, who is VERY detail oriented, went through the pics explaining each shot and the meaning behind the photo when she landed on a pic of Ronda digging in the dirt. "And Ronda put some of Cori's ashes here." Oh man. Melt my heart.

I know this is common with cremation. In fact, I'm sure many of you have done the same. However, this was MY cousin. A mother - who lost a child. And my heart went out to her.

If Cori were here, she would tell of all her adventures. She would fling her arms and smile her contagious smile. Her freckled nose would wrinkle with glee and she would talk your dang ear off telling long tales of the wondrous beauty of this world.

I have typed and erased. Typed and erased. I find it terribly difficult to get my thoughts to black and white. Maybe it's because Cori was so colorful. Maybe it's because I can't find the right words to express how absolutely-amazingly-beautiful I find in the fact that Ronda and Sonny have honored their girl by taking her with them - albeit separately - to share in their adventures.

Sonny and his wife, Sue, take Cori with them throughout Utah and she is placed in areas that she loved to visit. As well, Ronda takes Cori on her adventures and travels.

Cori is in the Hampton Court Gardens and Kensington Palace in England. When you see Stonehenge, take a moment and feel her presence. Cori will be at your feet when you kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Loch Ness holds a monster no longer - for it now holds a sweet spirit of laughter and love. Harry Potter will forever fly with an angel over the gardens of Alnick Castle in Northumberland, England. The 7th Wonder of the World - Giants Causeway - now embodies a whole new wonder named Cori Jo Dyle.

I wonder where Cori will go next?

Snapshots

I have learned that I have got to speak up if I want what I want once in a while. When 2017 rolled around, I told Mark that I have always wanted to go to the races in Las Vegas. "By golly, we're going this year."

I researched track schedules and tried with all my might to line up two events in one vacation. I had seen that Elton John was performing in Vegas and wouldn't it be SO cool to see BOTH! Alas, luck was not on my side. Elton would be taking a break until October. No concert for me. 

Mark and I both love the motorcycle. Not too many things in our marriage bring such joy and togetherness than jumping on the bike and going. Anywhere. Around the block is as satisfying as around town, around the state, or (soon to be) around the nation. I love this time together and hope beyond all hopes that my motorcycle-riding-extravaganza lasts for many years.

Upon scouring the internet for racetrack events in Vegas, I ran across "The Night of Fire". They were doing races and fireworks would follow and complete the fun-filled evening. Mark said (in January when I bought the tickets and it was snowing and cold and felt like it would NEVER be warm again) "We'll take the bike." I agreed. It would be so wonderful, right?

OHMY GOSH it was so hot I thought I might die. No lie. You don't get away from the sun and heat on a motorcycle and 108˚ is pretty dang hot.

In 2005, Cameron Crowe directed Elizabethtown starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. IMDb states that  "After causing a loss of almost one billion dollars in his company, the shoe designer Drew Baylor decides to commit suicide. However, in the exact moment of his act of despair, he receives a phone call from his sister telling him that his beloved father had just died in Elizabethtown, and he should bring him back since his mother had problems with the relatives of his father. He travels in an empty red eye flight and meets the attendant Claire Colburn, who changes his view and perspective of life."

Kirsten Dunst is the stewardess. She is cute, quirky, super nice and fun to be around. Every time Claire wanted to memorialize a moment, she lifts her hands to hold an imaginary camera and "clicks". 

That's how this trip went for me. I've been fortunate enough to ride with Theresa and Jan. Let me tell you, those two sit on their bikes with the hubbies, see something cool, reach up and snap HUNDREDS of pictures in a day. It is so fun to go back through the pics and re-see our experiences. However, because I shake so dang bad, I don't take picture and have relied on others to rise to that task.

Sunday morning, Mark and I donned our riding gear. After riding to the Pepsi store to see Pam and get my Lifesavers for the road. We were off.

Neither of us enjoy freeway riding, so routes are mapped through small towns on highways with open fields and plenty of kids to direct our waves. When we stop for gas or food, we talk to the locals and hear stories that are intriguing and entertaining.

When I was diagnosed with this interrupt-your-life brain disease, dad and Arlene told me that I should apply with the government and get an Access Card to all of the National Parks. I did. I got a pass and have used it immensely! This trip we traveled through Zion National Park (yes, it's a must-see) and stopped in St. George for fuel and food. That's when we started heating up. Hot. So hot.

After 12 hours on the bike, we made it to Vegas. Cool showers followed by motel television and snacks. What a great night.

Morning began with Bagels at Einstein Bros. and off we went to check out the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead. We rode to the dam and headed for Lake Mead. I was beginning to heat up. We brought ice water along and our cup was running out of ice and the water was luke warm at best. I was so hot I thought I might melt. So what did we do? Trudged a few yards fully clothed out into the lake and sat down in the water. Click. Click. Click. My camera was going nuts. 

I clicked away as I visited with my I-love-her-so-very-much mother-in-law that isn't married to my father-in-law any longer. Time progressed forward and all-too-soon it was time to go, shower and head to the race track. The hotel was maybe 20 minutes away and in that short amount of time, we heated up beyond our maximum capacity.

No way was I sitting in the sun and heat to watch cars go around in circles. No amount of up-in-the-sky fireworks could entice me to leave the air conditioning of the hotel room. No way. Nuh-uh. Ain't gonna happen.

After cool showers and full bellies I was flipping through the channels when I landed on MTV in time to view Adelle in concert. She is so talented, isn't she? It was so fun to watch and I was kinda sad when it ended. I began to think that I wanted to brave the heat and head to the racetrack. After all, that was the whole reason I was there. Right?

The television was still on MTV when Elton John began to play. OHMYGOSH! I absolutely LOVE him. Heck with stupid fireworks. We watched him and loved every single minute of our up-close-and-personal air conditioned concert. More clicks from my camera.

The following day found us homeward bound. Nearly 9 hours into the adventure the sun was perfect. The sprinklers were watering the fields. The air was cool but not cold. Mark leans back to say "I love riding like this."

My camera is full. Full of pics and memories and plans to see Elton John and the races "for real". Aren't we fortunate to have memories? Click away. Don't forget to click on the simple things. Just click. And fill up the "memory" card. And, yeah, he's my favorite click....

The Power of Love

It was 1982 when I saw my first concert. It was Journey the Escape tour at the Salt Palace in Salt Lake City. Mark had gotten us tickets. I was not disappointed. My love affair with concerts began. I have seen groups from Aerosmith to ZZ Top and everything in-between. I love the crowd, the music, the bands, the t-shirts and the magic in the air as we hear our favorite songs come to life right before our eyes.

Imagine how extremely happy I was when I visited Washington and Sharon (my half-sister) invited me to go to Huey Lewis and the News at a winery in Washington.

"Heck yeah!"

We went and had a grand time. It is so very fun to see the artist that we loved as kids. They were older and less in tune, however, they sang all the songs that we knew plus more. We sat in the cool grass under the night stars and listened. What could be finer?

When Jaden was born, I was kid-you-not dying. I was bleeding out and the doctor was going in circles with different treatments trying to stabilize me. Mark had to intervene when they attempted to give me blood thinners in hopes that the blood clots would stop.

The doctor sat by my bed and I could see the fear in his eyes. "Are you LDS?" I asked. "Yes, I am." "Then you need to give me a blessing." "I can get someone in here to do it." "Nope. YOU need to."

The LDS religion gives blessings to the sick and the ailing. Priesthood holders gather round, hands are placed on your head and a prayer is given in your behalf.

I had asked my doctor to bless me. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if HE said I would be okay then HE would find the knowledge to make it so. The blessing wasn't for me. It was for him. He just didn't know it.

I was thrown into surgery and seven transfusions later, I'm here and still kicking HARD. All because my doctor found the strength, knowledge and power to make it so.

Last weekend the Adamson family gathered for food and fun. This is my mom's side of the family. How-oh-how do I find the words to express how much I love these people.

Tanna attended the shenanigans with me. We pulled into our parking spot and exited the car in time to  hear my Uncle Phil ringing a bell to gather all. "Yep. We're at the right place. Only the Adamson family would ring a bell to gather the group." Followed by giggles and laughter.

There's something about family reunions, don't you think? I get to see cousins that I knew so well as a child, but haven't seen in FOREVER. It's fun to see them as adults with their own kids running around causing chaos. I can tell who belongs to who because their kids look EXACTLY as I remember my cousins.

I chatted and joked with Aunts and Uncles and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my dear Mom. Dad was at a meeting, so I got some much needed one-on-one time with Mom. My mom is the kindest, sweetest, most loving woman on this planet and I love her dearly. How lucky am I?

Talking (which I love to do) wears me out and after a couple hours of visiting, eating, laughter and games, it was time for me to leave.

I said a few good-byes, however, since my walking SUCKS I didn't make my way around the pavilion to each family member to express my love one more time.

Tanna and I were nearly to my car when my Aunt Jane came running toward me to say goodbye. "Would you like the men to give you a blessing?"

"Yes I would."

The men gathered and my beloved Uncles and cousins placed their hands on my head and gave me a blessing.

I am not saying that I was "healed". (Although, that would be pretty dang cool, wouldn't it?) However, there was power in that prayer. And then I heard loud and clear. "That's the power love."

Force of Spirit

Well. He did it. Jaden turned 17 today. I SWEAR to you I just barely hit "share" on my keyboard blogging a year ago about his cereal bowls. In case you're wondering, not much has changed in that department. In fact, Tanna and Tyson were sharing a good giggle at my expense the other day.

I had just got home from my it-was-so-wonderful-motorcycle vacation.
Tyson: You can sure tell when mom goes somewhere.
Tanna: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Tyson: The cereal cupboard is packed with cereal for Jaden.
They both giggle and laugh and guffaw.

Whatever. I like him best. So there.

Ah. Jaden. Sweet boy of mine. Who knew he would grow to be so tall and such a good-looking young man? Mark absolutely loves when Jaden brings a new girl here.

"Did you see her? Wow! She's a super model".
"Okay Mark, calm down, you're stuck with me"
"Oh yeah"

Thanks so much for the self-esteem boost. I needed it.

I, however, spend my time thinking "Are you a nice girl? Are you going to hurt my son? Don't do stupid I'm-a-16-year-old-imbecile things. Don't do it. Don't do it. DON'T DO IT."

Then they do something stupid and Jaden is left holding his heart. TOTALLY SUCKS.

Jaden has always been a force of spirit. I argued and argued and argued with the doctor that I wasn't pregnant. There is 9 years between Shelby and Jaden and HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY HAPPEN? I went to the doc for heart problems and came home pregnant. I swear that poor doc does NOT get paid enough to put up with me.

I loved being a young mother. I fit right in with the other kids. I was able to hike and swim and run and fight with glee. This old mother stuff is a bit more difficult now-a-days. I can't run. I can't jump. (even if I could jump I'd pee my pants I'm sure of it - sorry Jaden.)  I rarely yell. Glee comes more often than not when I can get to bed before 10:00 pm.

However, I'm more calm and waaaaaaay more willing to listen and hear and feel and learn.

I am soooooooooooo very grateful that the doc was right. (Don't tell him though)

I just enrolled Jaden in boxing. I know. I know. He could get hurt. But he could rock this out, too. He needs to learn patience and discipline and I think a square arena just might be the answer. My son now boxes. With vigor.

Years ago I made shirts and shorts for the Easter-Bunny-came-to-town gifts. I ponder my projects at least 6 months before go-time. I want them to have meaning and be something each will wear. I watch my family. Take mental notes of successes and accomplishments and conversations. That year I decided that I wanted to "stamp" the article of clothing with an insignia that is unique to our family.  This is what I did:

That's where Jaden fits in. This kid is handsome (no doubt). However, that's not what makes him stand out in a crowd. The kid personifies confidence.  Jaden DOES NOT tolerate bullying of ANYONE. Pick on the smaller kid? You have Jaden to reckon with.

My kid is super smart and after graduation will be a force to reckon with in college or whatever field of work he decides to conquer. Knowing this kid, there will be many.

I remember when Tyson, Zach, Magnum and boys names I have since forgotten played soccer. Mitch (Zach's dad) was the coach. The soccer team took State with a vengeance. After the celebrations were concluded, Tyson hung up his cleats and never played again. "Why? It is SO fun to watch you play." His answer? "I've done everything I can do with it."

Jaden is that way. He studies and watches and becomes his passion. When he has done all he can do? No tears. No squalling. No stomping of feet or gnashing of teeth. He quietly moves on and places his intelligence and dedication in another area.

Jaden turned 17 today. There is so much time left. Time to learn and grow and become. He's got a lifetime left. Jaden's strength will carry him. It will carry his family. It will carry his friends. It will carry me.

Happy birthday, son.

A Woman's Work

Years ago I asked Mark to hang our Christmas lights. Wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done. (No pun intended). Oh my word! He had decided that it would be amazingly-awesome to take the lights and create an outline of the Wasatch Mountains on our rooftop. AND since there were leftover lights it would look "really cool" if he scattered the lights on top of the grass in front of our house. WHAT THE CRAP? Imagine my dismay when the lights were all "hung" and I hear "Come out and see how cool they look". The kids and I hurried outside to view the Christmas miracle. I about lost my lunch right there on the twinkling lights. Adding insult to injury? My beloved stood on the sidewalk and began to sing "Oh Christmas Tree". The kids and I were absolutely-without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt at a loss for words. Astounded. Yes. Yes. Yes, I was.

I never, ever, EVER asked him to hang lights again.

That's when it hit me. He must have done a horrible job so I wouldn't ask for his help again. OHMYGOSH! I'm right. Nobody in their right mind would do Christmas lights like that ON PURPOSE. Right?

The Steel Horse family took to the road again. Sunday found us donning our helmets, leather chaps and jackets and (for me) heated gear. What did I ever do without heated gear? Froze. That's what I did. That dang heated gear is absolutely the best thing EVER invented for I'm-going-to-head-out-on-the-motorcycle wear.

We rode through Castle Valley, Moab, Arches, Monument Valley, the North rim of the Grand Canyon, and Bryce Canyon before landing on my front stoop.

Last year the gang rode to Glacier National Park via the Tetons and Yellowstone. I blogged about the beauty of the parks and the wonders of God's creation.

This year as I sat on the back of the bike drinking in the views of the flat mountains smattered with boulders balanced on pristine pinnacles and complemented with visible layers of rock and sand, it hit me. God hadn't done this. It was ALL Mother Nature.

I can loosely imagine how that day went. Just as Glacier was God's FINAL creation, the flat-topped-red-rocked desert views had to be his FIRST creation and Mother Nature got left holding the clean-up bag.

"Hey! You need to get busy with that creation stuff."

"I will later"

"No. Now. Here are some materials"

I imagine the flinging of stone and seeds and dirt and sand followed with the words "There. I did it. You happy now?"

Then Mother Nature saw what happened. And it WAS NOT good.

How in the crap was she EVER going to make this mess okay?

She did. She added wind and rain and elements to wipe away the mess and begin formation. In the end? The most beautiful creation came.

Arches and hills and valleys and winding rivers are viewed with wonder. Pinnacles of rock leave you awestruck. Canyons and valleys and crevices as far as the eye can see will leave you speechless with delight. The views are breathtaking and will inevitably leave you marveling in reverence at the beauty of this versatile planet.

We were about half-way through our adventure when Theresa asked "What was your favorite?".  I thought for a minute and answered with a sight that astounded me. Theresa took her turn and the question landed with Jan. I loved her answer. "This. Right here. I love the people we are with." She was right.

We had to cut our trip a bit short. Rick "Rain Cloud" Deason had to be home to fly out for work. Let me embellish on the "Rain Cloud" name. Last year on the Glacier ride, we ran into some rain. Since Rick was in charge and Randy has stated that if Rick is involved it always rains, we hit rain.

We joked about it. We snorted and laughed and shucked and jived.

Randy wasn't kidding.

It rained on us again. Rick has been fired, so NEXT year should be dry. (Sorry, Rick.)

Anyhow, our trip was cut a bit short and it didn't look like we would make it to Bryce Canyon. I was understanding of Rick's dang work stuff, however, I'm a PRINCESS and was a bit disappointed. I've heard over and over again "Bryce is my favorite" and I was looking forward to forming my own opinion.

Oh well. Some other time.

We turned to head home and the turn-off to Bryce loomed ahead. Rain hit. We took cover and when we fired up the bikes and headed towards home? Rick headed towards Bryce. What? I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED.

Rick, Theresa, Jan and Randy had decided to add more time and more miles on their own shoulders in order to give me Bryce. Let me tell you, I wasn't let down not ONE SINGLE BIT.

If you have vacation coming your way, plan a trip to the deserts of Utah and Arizona. View the artistic elegance of Mother Nature and see the world through Her eyes. You won't be disappointed.  I sure wasn't.

Food. Laughter. Stories. Sun. Wind. Wondrous beauty. Friends. Family.

I'm a lucky girl. Right?