My Desert Rose

This is the last birthday of the year. To be honest, I'm glad. I miss my little kids and every single STUPID birthday brings them further into adulthood with all the messiness that growing up brings. I hate that. I love seeing them grow and become. However, I absolutely despise disappointment that appears - whether it be brought on by bad choices or slung at them from someone else. I can fix hunger, tired kids, messes from falling, sibling fights. I absolutely cannot fix what others' have done to them out of selfishness.

So for now, my kids land on this year and (of course) will rock it brilliantly.

The final birthday of the year is my sweet Shelby. Today she turns 26.

Shelby was over last night. She lamented, "I'm closer to 30 than 20".

Shelby got that from me. (Sorry Shelb). When Shelby was little she always hated growing up. We used to constantly sing:

I don't want to grow up.
I'm a Toys"R"Us kid...

Shelby has always been my little social butterfly. When we would go grocery shopping I would put her in the cart and we would sing our "ABC's" while keeping our little fingers busy with signing as we sang. People had NO idea that I was saving them from "Hey! What's your name?" "Do you have a dog?" "What's your dogs name" What's your dads name" "What's your mom's name?" "I'm Shelbykardeason" "My dog is named Titleist." "He's part boxer and part golf ball."

"Shelby! Your name is Shelby KARELINE Deason. And Titleist is boxer and lab mix."

Then Shelby would look at me with her big blue eyes and little pixie face. "No Mommy. You're wrong."

I would sigh HEAVILY. "A B C D E F G..."

A few years back I made a movie for each of my kids as a Christmas gift. I found baby and family pictures to make each movie individual. I worked so hard to find the right music to make it all fit together. Taylor Swift had just released "The Best Day". Shelby and I shared that story. Shelby was in middle school and one day things were a bit rough for her. She came home in tears. We grabbed the keys and drove up to Midway, Utah. We window shopped, told stories and laughed. I don't remember exactly what happened at school. However, I DO remember spending the afternoon with my girl.

When the song was released, Shelby said "Listen to this song. It reminds me of you." That's the song I picked for her movie.

Mark knows his music. He understands theory and sound and how lyrics work. That guy was blessed with unmatched natural talent and then he coupled his talent with hard work and became a really, really, REALLY good musician.

Mark told me to listen to "Desert Rose" by Eric Johnson. I did. I thought to myself "I wish I had put this as Shelby's song.

Desert Rose dances, in heat of the sky
I must pattern my life about you;
You can make the most when the waters run dry.
Look into the well deep inside you. 

My Desert Rose
Born are the few,
Always with me,
A vision of you. 

Acrolith reflection, that floats through my dreams,
Arid is the dust underneath me;
Something far away, a mirage so it seems,
What I long to see, oh, could it be? 

My Desert Rose
Born are the few,
Always with me,
A vision of you. 

My Desert Rose
Born are the few,
Always with me,
Don't fade away.
Don't fade away.

That's my Shelby. Right there. She is a stunning beauty that blossoms in the heat and drought of Life. People look toward her light and imagine that they, too, can experience that kind of impassioned happiness.

I'm so stinking proud of her.

I have intimate knowledge of trials that have come her way. I have NEVER seen a child rise above bad adults coupled with bad adult behavior. Shelby did. Brilliantly. Life, death, pain, growth, loneliness, love. She captains it.

Happy birthday Shelby. You are my sunshine.

Begin Again

I love to read. I love paper and ink and the smell of printing. I love the creative thinking of authors and the graphic artists rendition behind the book jacket design. Most of all? I love starting a new book. It's tantamount to beginning a new adventure and I CAN'T WAIT to see how it all works out.

Mark and I took off on the motorcycle for our last big hoorah of the summer. There isn't much to do on the bike so I spend a ton of time lost in my own thoughts.

While enjoying the country-side, the wind and the sun my thoughts turned to me (surprise - yeah, it's ALL about me) and my disease. I try super hard not to give this "inconvenience" power, however, it keeps marching forward and I find myself focusing on icky thoughts more often.

Keira Knightley, Mark Ruffalo and Adam Levine star in a movie called "Begin Again". Google says:

"Gretta (Keira Knightley) and her songwriting partner/lover Dave (Adam Levine) head for New York when he lands a record deal with a major label. However, Gretta is suddenly left on her own when Dave gives in to the temptations that come with his newfound success. Things take a turn for the better for her when Dan (Mark Ruffalo), a disgraced record executive, discovers Gretta performing in a club. A mutually life-changing bond forms between the pair as they work together on Gretta's first album."

Shelby was visiting a while back and turned to this movie. I had not seen it before and since I'm a movie NUT, I sat and watched it with her. Oh man. I loved it.

A few years back, Mark asked me "If you could sing like anyone, who would it be?" Without skipping a beat I answered "Celine Dion".  At the time, I was REALLY into her and her music so the answer kinda came out like "duh".  Her voice is strong, vibrant and memorable. Yeah. I'd sing like her. Without a doubt.

I used to sing ALL THE TIME. I sang to the radio. I sang at my piano. I sang with music playing and without music. I sang to my babies, to my toddlers, to my kids. I sang in church, in my car, in my kitchen, in the shower, while I cooked or cleaned or mowed or slept. I sang. Albeit, I wasn't super good, but I so love music - so I sang.

I don't sing out loud any longer. My mouth muscles just don't work right. I can think the words, however, I can't get them out with the music. So I sing in silence.

I changed who I want to sing like. I'll take Keira. You'll have to watch the movie to understand. Her singing is soft, vulnerable, and simple -  no frills or fluff. Simple.

That's what new beginnings are about. Right? Simple. A thought becomes a step. A step becomes an action. An action leads to accomplishment. Simply begin.

According to Webster's Dictionary, the definition of beginning is:

1. the point in time and space at which something starts.

While riding the bike, this all went through my head. It might be a bit jumbled to you, however, it was clear to me. It's pretty simple. I can view what's ahead of me as an ending OR I can choose to embrace the new beginnings.

Maybe Meister Ekhart had it right when he said:

"And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."

My Gift

In 2008 the movie Seven Pounds starring Will Smith (I love him) and Rosario Dawson (yeah, she's the bomb) was released.

According to IMDb

"A man with a fateful secret embarks on an extraordinary journey of redemption by forever changing the lives of seven strangers."

The movie stood out in my mind - not because it was so good (it was), not because the actors were so incredible (they were), not because the story was so wonderful (it was) - simply because I left the movie thinking "That's something Tyson would do."

Other friends/family saw the movie and time after time I heard "I thought about Tyson while watching that movie. That's something he would do." And he would. 

Tyson came into this world 2 months early and weighing in at 5 pounds 6 ounces. I think his heart made up 5 pounds of that weight. I've said it time and time again. Tyson is the most giving person I know. I know A LOT of people.

33 years ago, my life changed forever with the birth of my son. I thought I had it all handled and knew what to expect. Oh, the arrogance of being young. I knew nothing. Absolutely nothing. A few years back I told Tyson "I made all my big mistakes with you." He simply nodded in affirmation. Then he grinned. That cute, dimpled smile that melts my heart and I knew all was forgiven.

Tyson does not live in the past. He has moved forward brilliantly with a catcher's mitt in one hand and his left hand free to toss back each curve ball that life has thrown his way. Things I have spent a lifetime learning - forgiveness, generosity, making a difference - come naturally to this kid.

As a young boy, Tyson took on the mentor role with each of his siblings. Time passed and he taught his friends that they could forever depend on him. To this day, if something is needed just ask Tyson. That's a legacy that many of us will not leave behind. Tyson will. With a vengeance.

In 2012 I wrote a blog called "Unsung Heroes". This post was about Tyson. Tagging along at the end of my writing is a copy of a poem by Rudyard Kipling "If". I have always related this poem to my boy.  The line "And never breathe a word about your loss" is how Tyson has chosen to live. Not too many people get the luxury of knowing the true man - the good, the bad and the ugly. It's all there, wrapped in a perfect package that I am lucky enough to call mine.

Happy Birthday, Tyson, may we all be a bit like you.

The Great Unknown

Today marks one year since Dad's passing. My relationship with Dad came late in life - not smeared with adolescence insolence or childhood insecurities. I have always vehemently stated that our relationship was perfect. We were uninterested in the hurt and pain that often accompanies family. He had NO idea of the stupid stuff I did when I was a kid and I held no grudges of the less than ideal moments he might have been guilty of as a parent. Our past, present and future was unsoiled and I was so lucky.

My heart broke when Dad died. The shatter brought me to my knees. Mark tried with all of his might to console me. I was comfortless and one year later I don't see myself recovering any time soon.

It's been a whole year of firsts. Dad's wife, Arlene, has struggled with these. It's been hard for her to be alone. She misses the bickering that comes with years of marriage. The anger, the pouting, the silent treatment, the slamming and the muttering all seem to fade when you lose someone you truly love. You find yourself remembering the camping trips, the long drives in the car, the conversations, the meals cooked and shared, date night at your favorite restaurant and the comfortable silence of their presence.

One day I was sitting at my counter eating Top Ramen - of all things. I looked out the window in time to see a couple get out of their car and head up the sidewalk to my house. "I know them, but who the crap are they?" It was Dad and Arlene. 

When I came to my senses and rushed to the door to greet them, I asked "OHMYGOSH! Why are you here?" They had heard that I had gotten a not-so-nice-letter from someone and it had rocked my small world a bit. Dad had driven 12 hours because I "might need a hug from your dad." And they hugged me. And we cried. And my cup runneth over.

Today EVERYTHING reminds me of my dad. I still smell the outdoors he wore as cologne. I remember the feel of his curly hair. The sensation of his warmth wrapped around me lingers on my shoulders. I hear his music and it commingles with the tinkling of his laughter. I miss the sound of his voice. 

Life without someone you love is like entering a great unknown. You don't know what's ahead. You can't have what is behind. So you wing it - never knowing when a touch, a smell, a song, a poem, a voice or a presence tickles your brain and tears begin to flow.

I have a frame above my desk with pictures of dad and myself on the first day we met. I look at it and remember him. I hope I honor him. Although our time together was short, I hope I made him proud.

I love you Dad. 

A Diamond in the Dust

Another year has circled around and landed smack dab on Tanna's birthday. Oh what to say? So many thoughts and worries and lectures and hopes and dreams and desires about this girl keep me up at night. However, a year ago there was not a moment that I didn't think I would lose my girl. Drugs. Stupid drugs. Tanna was embroiled in them and as a family, we were beyond helpless.

Tanna has been clean 7 months now. Let me repeat that. TANNA HAS BEEN CLEAN SEVEN MONTHS NOW. And I'm proud.

Yes, friends, we have a long way to go. A lifetime of change doesn't happen in months. I know that. However, the hours lead to days, days lead to months, months lead to years and years lead to lifetimes. The steps are becoming easier. As footsteps lighten, we weigh ourselves down on another item to place our focus. Someday, we will get back to who she was before her life hit a brick wall.

Today is to celebrate the birth and life of my daughter.

Have I ever told you that I like Tim McGraw? In case you were wondering, I do. I like his music ALOT.

Goose and his wife Daulton, dear Uncle Mike, nephew Mat, friend Cale and hubby Mark all went hiking and backpacking the Wind Rivers in Wyoming. No I didn't go. The conversations went something like:

"You should come with us. I can make a pack for you and carry you wherever you need to go"

"Are there hotels? Room service?"

He looked at me incredulously, "No."

"Then no...HECK NO... I'm not going."

Let's be honest, even if I could walk like a champ, I wouldn't go. Eating fish for nine days, sleeping on the ground, and finding a bush for toilet coverage is not my cup of tea. Go figure.

Instead, Tanna and I left to go see Arlene in Washington. Other than for the memorial, I haven't been back since dad passed. That's a blog for another time. The trip was tinged with sadness, but what a great visit! Spending time with family is always good for your soul, isn't it?

I haven't been on a trip with Tanna for many many MANY years and the open road was speaking to us. The journey was prepared, road snacks were purchased, car was cleaned and vacuumed and the song playlist was made.

We were just outside of Boise when Tim McGraw played.

I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I've got a few old habits left
But there's still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see
There's a diamond under all this dust

And that, my friend, is my daughter. Getting better. A long way to go, but that diamond is beginning to show.

I admire Tanna for working so hard. She is not complacent with life and is working constantly to better herself.

Mark Twain penned:
In twenty years, you will be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did.

Live to do. Not to want. My daughter taught me that. Tanna has nothing, yet wants for nothing. She is one of the most unworldly people I know. She wants the best for you and is learning to want the best for herself. Change is inevitable, so why not make change good?

The search can be far and wide, but you will NEVER find a more beautiful girl than my Tanna. Inside. Outside. This girl has it. Loyal. Honest. Kind. Giving. Tender. Emotional. Friendly. Caring. 28 years has given her the strength to finally fall on her knees and give herself permission to help herself.

She's a diamond alright. She sparkles with life and is strong beyond measure.

One thing about dust. It can be blown away, right?

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie
I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

Happy birthday, my sweet girl. I'm a lucky mom.

Ashes to Ashes

I've had this writing on my mind for over a year now. It's been hard to write my thoughts because I so desire to do a perfect job. Alas, it may not be perfect, however, I want to get these words down. Here goes:

Last summer I went to visit my cousin, Ronda, in St. George.  Aunt June and Uncle Roy were headed that way and asked if I wanted to tag along. I'm a sucker for a free ride with dear family-friends, so of course I said "Yes".

The summer of 2011 I got a phone call. "Cori passed away." What? Cori is Ronda and Sonny's youngest daughter. She was merely 22 years old and I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that she was gone.

My kids grew up playing with Lexi and Cori. For a time, I lived only 15 miles from Ronda and Sonny. Periodically we found our way to visit. And play they would. Every childhood game was enjoyed and argued and ruled and laughed at and shared.

Cori was a force to be reckoned with. She always had a strong will coupled with a great sense of humor. She was honorable, kind, strong and good - all wrapped in a dang pretty package.

While visiting Ronda, Aunt June pulled out her camera. June, Ronda and Ronda's mother-in-law had been on a vacation. If my memory serves me right, they went to Scotland, Ireland and other scenic places. They had a grand time and we all got to share in their adventures thanks to Facebook posts.

June, who is VERY detail oriented, went through the pics explaining each shot and the meaning behind the photo when she landed on a pic of Ronda digging in the dirt. "And Ronda put some of Cori's ashes here." Oh man. Melt my heart.

I know this is common with cremation. In fact, I'm sure many of you have done the same. However, this was MY cousin. A mother - who lost a child. And my heart went out to her.

If Cori were here, she would tell of all her adventures. She would fling her arms and smile her contagious smile. Her freckled nose would wrinkle with glee and she would talk your dang ear off telling long tales of the wondrous beauty of this world.

I have typed and erased. Typed and erased. I find it terribly difficult to get my thoughts to black and white. Maybe it's because Cori was so colorful. Maybe it's because I can't find the right words to express how absolutely-amazingly-beautiful I find in the fact that Ronda and Sonny have honored their girl by taking her with them - albeit separately - to share in their adventures.

Sonny and his wife, Sue, take Cori with them throughout Utah and she is placed in areas that she loved to visit. As well, Ronda takes Cori on her adventures and travels.

Cori is in the Hampton Court Gardens and Kensington Palace in England. When you see Stonehenge, take a moment and feel her presence. Cori will be at your feet when you kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Loch Ness holds a monster no longer - for it now holds a sweet spirit of laughter and love. Harry Potter will forever fly with an angel over the gardens of Alnick Castle in Northumberland, England. The 7th Wonder of the World - Giants Causeway - now embodies a whole new wonder named Cori Jo Dyle.

I wonder where Cori will go next?

Snapshots

I have learned that I have got to speak up if I want what I want once in a while. When 2017 rolled around, I told Mark that I have always wanted to go to the races in Las Vegas. "By golly, we're going this year."

I researched track schedules and tried with all my might to line up two events in one vacation. I had seen that Elton John was performing in Vegas and wouldn't it be SO cool to see BOTH! Alas, luck was not on my side. Elton would be taking a break until October. No concert for me. 

Mark and I both love the motorcycle. Not too many things in our marriage bring such joy and togetherness than jumping on the bike and going. Anywhere. Around the block is as satisfying as around town, around the state, or (soon to be) around the nation. I love this time together and hope beyond all hopes that my motorcycle-riding-extravaganza lasts for many years.

Upon scouring the internet for racetrack events in Vegas, I ran across "The Night of Fire". They were doing races and fireworks would follow and complete the fun-filled evening. Mark said (in January when I bought the tickets and it was snowing and cold and felt like it would NEVER be warm again) "We'll take the bike." I agreed. It would be so wonderful, right?

OHMY GOSH it was so hot I thought I might die. No lie. You don't get away from the sun and heat on a motorcycle and 108˚ is pretty dang hot.

In 2005, Cameron Crowe directed Elizabethtown starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. IMDb states that  "After causing a loss of almost one billion dollars in his company, the shoe designer Drew Baylor decides to commit suicide. However, in the exact moment of his act of despair, he receives a phone call from his sister telling him that his beloved father had just died in Elizabethtown, and he should bring him back since his mother had problems with the relatives of his father. He travels in an empty red eye flight and meets the attendant Claire Colburn, who changes his view and perspective of life."

Kirsten Dunst is the stewardess. She is cute, quirky, super nice and fun to be around. Every time Claire wanted to memorialize a moment, she lifts her hands to hold an imaginary camera and "clicks". 

That's how this trip went for me. I've been fortunate enough to ride with Theresa and Jan. Let me tell you, those two sit on their bikes with the hubbies, see something cool, reach up and snap HUNDREDS of pictures in a day. It is so fun to go back through the pics and re-see our experiences. However, because I shake so dang bad, I don't take picture and have relied on others to rise to that task.

Sunday morning, Mark and I donned our riding gear. After riding to the Pepsi store to see Pam and get my Lifesavers for the road. We were off.

Neither of us enjoy freeway riding, so routes are mapped through small towns on highways with open fields and plenty of kids to direct our waves. When we stop for gas or food, we talk to the locals and hear stories that are intriguing and entertaining.

When I was diagnosed with this interrupt-your-life brain disease, dad and Arlene told me that I should apply with the government and get an Access Card to all of the National Parks. I did. I got a pass and have used it immensely! This trip we traveled through Zion National Park (yes, it's a must-see) and stopped in St. George for fuel and food. That's when we started heating up. Hot. So hot.

After 12 hours on the bike, we made it to Vegas. Cool showers followed by motel television and snacks. What a great night.

Morning began with Bagels at Einstein Bros. and off we went to check out the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead. We rode to the dam and headed for Lake Mead. I was beginning to heat up. We brought ice water along and our cup was running out of ice and the water was luke warm at best. I was so hot I thought I might melt. So what did we do? Trudged a few yards fully clothed out into the lake and sat down in the water. Click. Click. Click. My camera was going nuts. 

I clicked away as I visited with my I-love-her-so-very-much mother-in-law that isn't married to my father-in-law any longer. Time progressed forward and all-too-soon it was time to go, shower and head to the race track. The hotel was maybe 20 minutes away and in that short amount of time, we heated up beyond our maximum capacity.

No way was I sitting in the sun and heat to watch cars go around in circles. No amount of up-in-the-sky fireworks could entice me to leave the air conditioning of the hotel room. No way. Nuh-uh. Ain't gonna happen.

After cool showers and full bellies I was flipping through the channels when I landed on MTV in time to view Adelle in concert. She is so talented, isn't she? It was so fun to watch and I was kinda sad when it ended. I began to think that I wanted to brave the heat and head to the racetrack. After all, that was the whole reason I was there. Right?

The television was still on MTV when Elton John began to play. OHMYGOSH! I absolutely LOVE him. Heck with stupid fireworks. We watched him and loved every single minute of our up-close-and-personal air conditioned concert. More clicks from my camera.

The following day found us homeward bound. Nearly 9 hours into the adventure the sun was perfect. The sprinklers were watering the fields. The air was cool but not cold. Mark leans back to say "I love riding like this."

My camera is full. Full of pics and memories and plans to see Elton John and the races "for real". Aren't we fortunate to have memories? Click away. Don't forget to click on the simple things. Just click. And fill up the "memory" card. And, yeah, he's my favorite click....