5 More Minutes

I sent Jaden off to his last day of school. He graduates Monday. My heart races in anticipation of the changes that he will make in his world. Yet, my stomach boils. I'm not ready to be a grown-up. I genuinely miss my little kids. I miss them. I can't say it enough. I miss them.

This day is full of lasts. The last of my kids to attend Provo High. They have built a new school. Jaden is the final Senior class to attend the "old" school. The end of getting-up-and-taking-a-shower-before-school. The last phone call and email "This is Provo High School. Jaden was tardy/absent today." Um, why? Then a furious text to Jaden asking "why" followed with a statement that "I'm going to lose my #@$! if you missed class."

"Don't worry Mom. I've got it handled."

What does that even MEAN?

When Jaden was little and attending Franklin Elementary I got up every single morning to make him pancakes. My other kids were beyond mad at me. THEY didn't pancakes every morning. Heck. They were lucky to get bowls and spoons placed in front of them. "There are SO many of you. I can't function."

Should I make them SUPER mad at me? On cold days I would throw Jaden's socks in the oven to warm them up. Yep. I did that. It's a true story. One time I forgot about them and they melted. No lie. I opened the oven to an ooey-gooey mess.

Jaden by-passed Middle School and went to High School. Pancake time was over.

The drive to Provo High is spectacular at 7:00 in the morning. The sun hits the top of Mount Timpanogos just right and every morning I found myself exclaiming that "it is so beautiful today". More times than not, I was met with a mumble.

Jaden got his license. Goose and Daulton bought him a car. The morning drive to school ended.

Here I sit at my computer, tears falling as I remember vivid moments frozen in time. Do you think he gets it? Does he see the opportunities placed within his reach? All he needs to do is to reach out and grab hold.

Andy Andrews authored a book The Lost Choice. About the book, andyandrews.com writes:

Elegantly blending gripping fiction, extensive research, and a powerful message of hope, The Lost Choice illuminates the timeless principles for transforming your life and the world. ...Are you ready to make the personal discovery of a lifetime?

This was one of the books that Mark has read aloud to me. Pieces of a medallion are discovered. As time winds forward, other parts are found and when placed together the etching on the stone is revealed. The story of each stone is shared and their journey has stuck in my mind.

On page 79 you read:

"Because you have been made to make a difference. And I believe that you will."

I was driving home yesterday when Scotty McCreary's song Five More Minutes came on the radio:

Time rolls by the clock don't stop
I wish I had a few more drops
Of the good stuff, the good times
Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by
Like it ain't nothing
I wish I had me a pause button
Moments like those Lord knows I'd hit it
And give myself five more minutes

My thoughts turned to Jaden.

Og Mandino's book still resides on my desk. EVERY SINGLE DAY I read my scroll. I am on the Scroll Marked V.

I will live this day as if it's my last.

"And what shall I do with this last precious day which remains in my keeping? First, I will seal up its container of life so that not one drop spills itself upon the sand."

The hourglass can't be turned over. Time is a gift and five more minutes doesn't exist. You, Jaden, were placed on this earth to make a difference. Seal up your container of life and spill not a single drop.

You don't have to make a difference in the entire universe (that's a ton of pressure, isn't it?) Simply keep improving YOUR world. YOUR reality. YOUR future.

In turn, I will believe. In your hopes. Your dreams. Your ambition. Your ability. Your talent. Your kindness.

Don't you know you have already begun? YOU have made a difference in MY life.

Mother Goose

Goose turns 31 in three days. He goes on-call for the fire season the day before his birthday. Since the Hotshots are first on the schedule, we are assuming that he will be gone on his big day. Yuck. I love the fire season. He makes good money and his leadership abilities seem to grow and shine like a beacon. However, Daulton misses him, the family misses him and MOSTLY I miss him.

The kids always say "Goose is the golden child. You love him most." I answer "duh". And leave it at that.

I've always turned to Goose for help in fixing, remodeling or yard work. I know at times he tires of me running to him for everything. I simply enjoy working with him. I enjoy his company. We laugh. We talk. We tell stories. We share excitement over progress. It's so fun! So I ask. He helps. And my house is better because of it.

New Years rolled around and the cutest-couple-in-the-world (Daulton and Goose) were visiting and Daulton said "Tell your mom what we are doing for our New Year Resolution."

"We are looking up random facts everyday and sharing the knowledge of something we want to learn a bit about."

I wanted to join the group. Since they were put on the spot and couldn't say "no". I got to join.

We shared a variety of info from local legends behind the Timpview Mountain, to Dr. Seuss, to podcasts from Oprah. I absolutely LOVE that these two spend thought and energy in bettering themselves.

February rolled around and it was my turn to go. I hadn't yet researched what I wanted to share.

Goose sends a text. "I don't know who is up, but I'm going to go, cool?"

"Yes" I write "It's me. I totally forgot. Ugh. Sorry"

I begin to read the link my son sent.

The link is titled "An Expectant Dad's Guide To Pregnancy"

Realization dawned. I began to shake. Uncontrollably. I started typing "Why am I reading this?" It came out "ıut it cam out qty en i trsding?" So I called.

"Goose. Why am I reading this?"

"Why do you think Mama"

I freaking lost it. I was bawling so hard I couldn't speak.

My baby is having a baby and I couldn't be more proud.

Daulton and Goose will rock this parent stuff.

Back to the title of this blog. I have called my boy "Mother Goose" off and on through the years. Goose is super intense and spends time to not only improve his own abilities, but wants those around him to rise to their own capabilities. No more. No less.

That right there is why he is a good leader, a superb friend, a great brother and an amazing son.

At the end of one rhyme, Mother Goose wrote:

Jack's mother came by,
And caught the goose soon,
And mounting its back
Flew up to the moon.

Goose can fly to the moon. This much I know. If you make it to the moon? Check your list of friendships. I guarantee my boy is right there.

Happy birthday, son. Fly.

A Good And Faithful Servant

Mark called me on his birthday.

I answered the phone by singing, "Happy birthday to yoooooooo"

"I just got off the phone with Rick. Uncle Paul died. Rick, Theresa, Aunt Jacque, Uncle Johnny and Elise were with him when he died. "

"Oh."

It was awful. 

That night, while reading our book, the author quoted:

"...Well done, good and faithful servant."
Matthew 25:23

And I thought of my Uncle Paul.

Paul was the driving force in our family. I didn't get the opportunity to meet Grandpa Jack. I only knew Uncle Paul as the patriarch in the Deason family. He did it well, you know. 

Uncle Paul simply loved our family camp-outs. He would get to camp a few days early to organize, build and ready for the family to come. I don't know that we "kids" knew to what extent he would go to assure a perfect experience for each. The wood would be chopped and stacked, the fire pit dug and surrounded by logs for sitting, the bathroom dug and built, the kitchen staged and set, camp spots for each, wooden "chairs" for the little ones and even a shower for those that felt the need to cleanse. If it needed done, Uncle Paul was the one to make it happen.

My first impression of Uncle Paul was how very handsome this man is. I know. I know. I'm a bit biased. However, Uncle Paul was tall, lean and had the best eyes EVER. And he absolutely adored Aunt Charlene. She would tell her stories and he would simply shake his head and grin. One of the last times I got to visit with Uncle Paul, he told me "Man, I love her." And he meant it.

Uncle Paul quietly observed the goings-on in the Deason tribe. He was super smart and would watch stoically as we muddled and figured things out on our own. I admire that. I know, at times, he would have loved to knock our heads together. Yet he didn't. He met our grievances with humor - and taught us the same.

Uncle Paul taught "the boys" a love of camping, and fishing, and hunting while teaching them to respect the world in which we reside. There aren't many stories that Mark tells that don't include Uncle Paul.

The other day I was bathing. My iPod shuffled to Brantley Gilbert singing "One Hell Of An Amen". 

Doctor said he ain't got long
He just smiled said bring it on
If you think I'm scared
You got it all wrong
A little cancer can't break me
My heart's right and I believe
We all hit our knees
Started praying
No, he never gave up
Said the good Lord's waiting
And that's One Hell of an Amen
That's the only way to go
Fighting the good fight
'Til the good Lord calls you home
So be well, my friend,
Until I see you again
This is our last goodbye
But it's a Hell of an Amen

I love you, Uncle Paul. Thank you for teaching each of us to love God's creations. Thank you for guiding us with love and patience and kindness. Thank you for the twinkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips. Thank you for leading us through good times and trials.

Dumbledore said it best in Harry Potter:

"It's not really goodbye after all."

The Champion of my Heart

A new year has turned the corner. Today is Mark's birthday. And he's getting old....er....older. How did this age crap even happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that we were in High School and he was stealing an extra lunch and my MOM worked in the school cafeteria and SHE caught him and yelled at him in front of the entire school and Mark just looked at her. All Mark could say? "I was hungry." Yep. That really happened. Yesterday. Right?

A few months back, Mark and I were discussing all that we have done in our lifetime. Sometimes I envy my athletic/fatherly/honest/sailor/friendly/rock star/trucker/shop owner/hiking/karate kicking/jiu jitsu loving guy. Seems like he has done it all. I think he's done it all and doesn't give up until he is really, really, REALLY good at all he does. He's humble about his successes and does not brag on himself in any way.

I found it interesting that Mark stated, "I want to leave something important behind. Something that my kids and grandkids can talk about." Doesn't he know that he has already done that?

I don't want for anything. I like to say that it's because I don't ASK for anything. That's not really true. I don't ask because Mark would find a way to make it happen. And sometimes my wants are not nearly as important as my needs.

Montgomery Gentry sing Something To Be Proud Of. EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear:

Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed of how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, let me tell ya right now

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of

And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man

In 2005 Ron Howard wrote and directed the movie Cinderella Man. Mark Deming wrote on the rottontomatoes.com:

The true story of an athlete who achieved his greatest success against the most daunting odds of his life is brought to the screen in this historical drama. In the 1920s, James Braddock (Russell Crowe) from Bergen, NJ, was a promising contender in professional boxing; he had strength, spirit, and tenacity, but the combination of a serious hand injury and a 1929 defeat in a bout with light heavyweight champ Tommy Loughran sent his career into a serious tailspin. As Braddock's career in the ring dried up, the Great Depression put a stake through the heart of America's economy, and Braddock found himself working at the New York docks for pitiful wages as he tried to support his wife, Mae (Renée Zellweger), and three children. Desperate for money, Braddock turned to his former trainer and manager Joe Gould (Paul Giamatti), who was unexpectetedly able to scare up a bout for him, battling John Griffin at Madison Square Garden. While conventional wisdom had it that Braddock was too old, out of shape, and out of practice to have any chance of winning, he defeated Griffin, and continued beating his opponents with a powerful left hook that had been intensified by years of punishing dock work. In a nation desperate for good news, Braddock's surprising comeback became a tonic to struggling workers and unemployed people, and all eyes were on Braddock when in 1935 he took on powerful heavyweight champion Max Baer (Craig Bierko) in what was both literally and figuratively the fight of his life.

The Deason family owns this movie and periodically it finds its way to the DVD player. We pop popcorn and settle in with the yummy goodness, warm blankies and the guarantee of a wonderful movie.

Mae (René Zellweger) didn't want James to fight. At all. She worried that something would happen to James and, quite frankly, she kinda liked him and wanted to keep him around. Mae sent James off to fight, yet the fight was truly at home. She was mad and scared and no amount of money could make this right by her. She wasn't speaking to him. As the movie progresses you see the fear in her eyes, but they are met with determination in his. 

A few months back, Mark took up jiu jitsu. He fights and rolls with the best of them. He comes home bruised, winded, sweaty and sore.

In February, the Utah State Jiu Jitsu Championship came to Salt Lake City. Mark enrolled. I said all the right words "You'll rock it." This is going to be fun." "I'm excited to go. Really, I was thinking "What if you get hurt?" "Can you do this?" "Do you have any idea how OLD you are?"

Mae makes her way to the Braddock locker room before the fight. She says:

Maybe I understand, some, about having to fight. So you remember who you are...you're the Bulldog of Bergen, and the pride of New Jersey, you're everybody's hope, and the kids' hero, and you are the champion of my heart...

Off to the Utah Open Gi, No Gi tournament we went. After getting me in the door and settled (which is a workout in and of itself), Mark made his way to change. Goose, Daulton and Uncle Mike showed up just in time to watch Mark's first match.

He won! OHMYGOSH! HE WON! After fighting and rolling and sweating and (in his words) leaving his soul on the mat, my husband became the State Champion.

I about burst with pride. I know how hard he worked for this moment. I saw the sweat. I saw the bruises. I heard the stories. I watched the bad moves and the awful You Tube videos. All that faded to the distant past. Mark was a Gold Medalist and the Utah BJJ State Champion.

And the champion of my heart.

Greet This Day...

Years ago, I punched a cop right in the mouth. No lie. He had said something stupid about my family - trying to get a rise out of me. I rose all right. I rose up out of my chair and said "You need a mother REALLY BAD". And proceeded to punch him square in the mouth.

Ummmmmm. Just so you know, if you punch a cop, you get taken to jail.

He was a dirty cop. He's since been fired for - guess what - abusing his power with women. Following two torn rotator cuffs, multiple bruising, and, um, his "abuse of power" I found myself court ordered to attend an Anger Management class.

I graduated Anger Management (I have a Certificate to prove it). However, I left more angry than when I entered. The class was filled with domestic abusers that need a mommy really bad. I wanted to smack them right in the kisser and at times the teacher and I did NOT see eye to eye.

However, I did learn that anger is a secondary emotion and I have learned to not head directly to that fire. I've learned to take a moment, gather my senses, and figure out what's really going on in the warped mind of Linnette Deason.

When I'm super tired, reading is more than difficult for me. I absolutely-beyond-a-shadow-of-doubt LOVE to read. When the not-being-able-to-read-at-night hammer fell, Mark picked up the slack and began reading out loud to me.

One of our first books was The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews. I absolutely loved this book. According to andyandrews.com the premise is:

Forty-six-year-old David Ponder feels like a total failure. Once a high-flying executive in a Fortune 500 company, he now works a part-time, minimum wage job and struggles to support his family. Then, an even greater crisis hits: his daughter becomes ill, and he can’t afford to get her the medical help she needs. When his car skids on an icy road, he wonders if he even cares to survive the crash. 

But an extraordinary experience awaits David Ponder. He finds himself traveling back in time, meeting leaders and heroes at crucial moments in their lives—from Abraham Lincoln to Anne Frank. By the time his journey is over, he has received seven secrets for success—and a second chance.  The Traveler's Gift offers a modern day parable of one man's choices—and the attitudes that make the difference between failure and success.

Let's be honest. I'm not really in to self-help books. When Mark and I treat ourselves to Barnes & Noble, we immediately separate. I begin my own book adventure and he heads straight to the self-help section. The arrogant part of me secretly smiles and I think "Dude, there aren't enough books written to help you."

Turns out, after reading this book, I need a TON of help.

Mark and I loved this book so much, that we moved on to read several books written by Andy. He penned The Seven Decisions and talks about reading several biographies from successfully-great people. He picked the bones of greatness clean and found seven common threads that enabled success.

Og Mandino is mentioned. Have you heard of him? I hadn't. He authors the WILDLY successful book The Greatest Salesman in the World. Mr. Mandino published the book in 1968 and The Greatest Salesman continues to fly from the shelves to this day.

Og writes that in order to get rid of bad habits, they have to be replaced with good. To make an action a habit, the practice must exist for thirty days until it becomes second nature. The new habits are found in scrolls. The book resides on my desk and while pulling up my computer I read my scroll for the day.

I'm only on the first scroll - The Scroll Marked II. The Scroll Mark I is a kinda-sorta guide on how to make the scrolls work for you. The reader is admonished to read the individual scroll three times a day for thirty days before moving to the next.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

That's the first scroll. I'm working VERY hard to replace my anger with love. According to the scroll if you just THINK the words, "they will shine in my eyes, unwrinkled my brow, bring a smile to my lips, and an echo in my voice..."

The challenge moves forward to YOU, my friend. Try this. If you feel like it, go buy the book. It's a SUPER easy read and a mere 111 pages to peruse. You get halted on page 63 as your work begins for 30 days.

If you're not ready to read the book, you don't get out of the challenge. Sorry. Too bad for you.

Greet this day with love. Silently. And to yourself. Love everyone.

I promise. It will change your life.

Mighty Mite

It's been a bit since I've blogged. Do I need to apologize? I'm not sure. HOWEVER, it has been a while. Everything I know went a bit topsy-turvy and I've spent any spare time holding myself together OR holding my new grand baby. Yup! You heard me right. I have a new grandson. His name is Tyson Trenton Jackson and was born on January 27, 2018. Do I need to say that he is adorable, sweet, strong, demanding, funny and absolutely-beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt the cutest baby that ever lived? Ever.

Do you think I'm a bit prejudiced?

I am.

Tanna and Jerico have stayed here in Provo for a while now. Tanna kept her OB Doctor here and was pretty adamant that baby was to be born in Utah County. She was right, you know.

January 26 rolled around and Tanna had been having labor pains off and on for a couple of weeks now. You know the kind that stop after a hot bath or relaxing on the couch for a while? Tanna was dialated to MAYBE a 2 and according to the laments of Tanna "This baby is NEVER going to come."

"You're right Tanna. You're going to be pregnant FOREVER. Get used to it." I don't know how to put an eye roll in black and white - but my eyes were rolling around in my head. Hard.

Back to January 26. Tanna, Jerico and I watched television for a while. We kept having to pause the show in order to time Tanna's contractions. I went to bed thinking "We're having that baby tonight."

Tanna woke me up aout 3:00. "Mom, the contractions are steady. And worse. We have to go."

I jumped up, put on my clothes, grabbed a blanket (because I'm always cold), ran a brush through my hair, brushed my teeth and readied myself to greet my new grandson.

I followed in my car as Jerico led us to Timpanogos hospital. We got Tanna in a room and settled in a bed and the games began. Between moaning and groaning and cussing and swearing and crying and hollering, Tanna decided to go with an epidural.

I had all five of my kids natural. No drugs. No epidural. Just labor. And pain. It was a decision I had made and at times I forget that the entire world DOES NOT have to think like I do. I'm pretty against epidurals, however as I watched my baby hurt like that, tears streamed from my face and all I could think was "Thank goodness." The wimp that I am COULD NOT handle the hurt any longer.

Rest came. We all napped a bit and before we could process everything, it was time to have a baby.

I have never seen a birth. I have GIVEN birth 5 times, however, this time I was able to hold the hand  of my beautiful daughter and witness her becoming the single most important person in the world to another human. A mother. A lifeline. A best friend. A leader. A gift.

Tyson Trenton Jackson changed our world on January 27, 2018 at 3:50pm weighing in at 7 lbs 1 oz and measuring 19.25 inches.

Tyson took one breath, turned a black/purple color and went limp.

I have been on a super-hero kick. I'm currently watching season one of Jessica Jones on Netflix. Tanna, Jerico and myself watched 2 seasons of the Punisher, moved right into Daredevil, and just wrapped up The Defenders.

I watch every-day-normal people find an inner strength to match their capabilities.

My baby Tyson did that. NICU rushed in the room, grabbed the baby and began working on him. I watched Mark - both hands grabbing his head - pacing back and forth without saying a word, yet daring the doctors to mess up. I wobbled between the new little guy and my daughter reassuring her that all was well and back to Tyson willing him to breathe. Just breathe! I watched his chest pump up and down. He was trying with ALL OF HIS MIGHT to breathe in and I was willing him with ALL OF MY MIGHT to gasp the breath of life.

Tyson began to breathe - shallow gasping breaths. But he was breathing. Tanna was able to hold him for a minute before he was whisked away to NICU.

Baby Tyson had blood infections. He was a sick boy. He endured a spinal tap, feeding tubes, MULTIPLE IV's, a picc line and all of the worries that come with NICU.

Guess what? Two weeks later, he decided that enough was enough and that boy went off the oxygen, dismissed the infections and squalled like a champ. Tyson came home and slept mightily in Grandmas loving arms.

I think about super heroes. I have portrayed my entire family in one way or another in the same circle as a hero. When others run from fear and hurt and danger, my family will be there to stabilize the fear and slay the dragons. I have no doubt.

Welcome baby Tyson. Nope. You don't get a cool cape or form fitting spandex to prove you are a super hero. However, you are. You have the strength of a champion and the heart of a hero. You're going to change the world. Deason style.

New Beginnings

It's been a year now. Tanna came to me and stated that she wanted to free herself from the prison of heroin and the chains of meth. My eyes rolled in my head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard it all before. "I'll do better mom. I promise." Then right back on the streets she would go.

Except this time.

She got clean.

Drugs seem like a distant past now. I (at times) forget the stress and anguish and fear that enveloped me. The more time marches forward, the more dream-like (albeit nightmarish) the memories become.

To say I'm proud of her is an understatement. I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again. 

I haven't had the best of weeks. Yes, It's only Thursday. New beginnings can be hard can't they? I lay in bed last night and re-ran the success of my family through my mind. Initially, I wanted to blog about my daughter. However, I found my thoughts turning to my entire family and I wanted to share a bit of each.

Here goes.

Tyson has had the kids over the last couple of days. I watch him as a father. He rocks this "daddy" business. As I watch MY little boy father his little Bill and Hailey, my heart fills with pride. I see the man in him come out in staggering proportion. Tyson is learning and growing into his leadership. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

The LonePeak Hotshots would be less Hot-Shotty without my Goose. The movie Only The Brave was released. Starring Josh Brolin, Miles Teller and Jeff Bridges, the movie is (according to IMDb)  "Based on the true story of the Granite Mountain Hotshots, a group of elite firefighters who risk everything to protect a town from a historic wildfire."

I was so excited to go. I was going. I was going. I was GOING.

I didn't go.

I had gone to a different movie and the previews to Only The Brave played. I saw the firefighters dressed in the green pants and yellow shirts and bawled DURING THE PREVIEWS. Shelby was aghast. "You can't go to the movie."

The other day I was telling Mark how Goose worries me. He's in charge now. The crew looks to him for guidance and (at times) it scares me. Mark reassured me that Goose will not EVER put his guys in harms reach. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

Daulton begins a new job. She has been working her dream in a job with a Top 5 accounting firm. She has made a name for herself and I watch while other firms zig and zag to recruit Daulton.

This girl put herself through school and got her Masters in Accounting. People get their Masters Degree all the time right? I watched Daul go to school. I watched her self-discipline with wonder. The girl BECAME. There is no other way to describe her. She is the most humble person I know. I say that ferociously. DAULTON IS THE MOST HUMBLE PERSON I KNOW. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

I mentioned that Tanna is free of drugs. Have I mentioned that she is going to be "Mommy" now? Well, she is. Baby Tyson Trenton Jackson is due in a couple of weeks. We are having contractions, so I look to see him come any day now. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

As of Tuesday, Shelby is a student at UVU. She is about to finalize her degree in photography. She is creative and has an eye for the lens. Many have told me how good she is. She will be known for her hard work; for her ability to see beyond what is in front of her. She will rock the photography world. You just hide and watch. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

Jaden is beginning the end of High School. He has a lifetime ahead. EVERY SINGLE door is open for him to simply step through. His intelligence is inspiring and when he lassos his ability? Let me just say this boy will change the world. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

Mark is forever seeking new beginnings. He is fearless when faced with change. This guy exudes confidence in his ability to make things right. And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.

The world is full of selfishness and sadness and loneliness and heartache. You can hurt beyond understanding. When your eyes fall on the cracks and fissures in the landscape of life, there lies love and hope and belief. That's pretty cool, right?

It's a new day for the Deason family. Thank you Tyson, Goose, Daulton, Tanna, Shelby, Jaden and Mark for the gifts you so willingly share - for the new beginnings placed at your feet and your ability to make them a slave to your spirit.

And I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I believe. I have hope again.