Amen

The earth rotated 365.25 (yes, it's NOT 365 times, science line.ucsb.edu states 365.25. They are a SCIENCE site. They are smart people. They HAVE to be right. Right?) The point is, another year has passed, and yes, here we are back to Tanna's birthday.

One of Marks ever-most-favorite-teachers-of-all-time told him once that people don't want to hear about your kids. Mrs. Joe told him that in order to be a good writer you need to follow that rule.

Yep. I'm breaking all the rules. This blog is for Tanna. About Tanna. Because of Tanna.

Sorry Mrs. Joe. If you learned from me - as I adoringly followed you - I insist on doing things my way.

So, I'll write about Tanna.

When Tanna was still pretty young, I had a dream about my family. We gathered for Thanksgiving. The table was set. Turkey was sliced. Potatoes were mashed and pie was waiting. I looked around the room, chest was puffed with love and pride as I gazed lovingly upon each member. Sadness enveloped me. I realized Tanna wasn't there.

Years passed and I could not shake this dream. When Tanna "lost herself" for a bit, this dream came to the forefront and I was terrified that it meant she was going to die and not be at my table. I've calmed down a bit and have come to realize that for a few years, she WASN'T at my table. I WAS sad to not have her with me, however, I was NEVER overcome with loss. I STILL had a daughter. Alive.

The Deason wheel does not turn on a flat tire any longer. Tanna is home and my family is whole. Tanna brought the oh-my-gosh-he's-so-dang-funny, Jerico, with her and on the 27th of January, the cutest-baby-in-the-history-of-ever, Tyson, added to the Deason-family clan.

Tanna was the cutest, most-bestest little one, a ROTTEN teen, a WORSE young adult. Now? She's simply the bestest-most-awesome woman and cutest mother.

Every single day she sends video and pics of baby Tyson. She laughs at his antics, frustrates at his frustrations and swells with love when snuggles come her way.

Mostly, I watch her give of herself with time and love. I admire that selflessness. Jerico is a lucky guy. Tyson is a lucky boy. I'm a lucky mom. We are a lucky family.

My disease has brought challenges to this family. Tanna laughs when I laugh, cries when I cry, yells when I rage and lifts me when I cannot stand.

Have I ever mentioned that I love Tim McGraw? I do. However, climbing up my list of wow-I-really-like-this-guy singers is Dierks Bentley. Tuesday I was driving home from an appointment when the radio began playing his song Woman. Amen.

I'd lose my way and I'd lose my mind
If I faced one day on my own
I know I was saved
The night that she gave this drifter's heart a home

This world has a way of shaking your faith
I've been broken again and again
But I need all the cracks in my shattered heart
'Cause that's where her love gets in

Every night I should be on my knees
Lord knows how lucky I am
I'll never say near enough
Thank God for this woman, Amen

She gives me faith
She gives me grace
She gives me hope
She gives me strength
She gives me love
Love without end
Thank God for this woman, Amen

So tonight I will fall down on my knees
'Cause Lord knows how lucky I am
I'm gonna shout at the top of my lungs
Thank God for this woman, Amen
And thank God for this woman, Amen

Tanna, thank you for becoming the woman you are. I'm so proud of the mother you have become. I silently watch you learn and grow while taking the information needed to better your life. You will never be caged. Your free spirit is enviable. Always remember your strength. Your beauty. Your kindness. Your humor. Remember to use your words.

Oh yeah. Always remember how much I love you.

Happy birthday. I can't wait to see what you do with the year ahead.

Beautiful People

The Steel Horse Family took off again. This year we went to Tombstone, Arizona. Helmets and leathers were donned and away we went to enjoy the wind and the sun. Lots of sun. In fact, nearly too much sun. Hot. It was super hot. Rick didn't live up to his "Black Rain Cloud" name and there wasn't a thunderstorm in sight.

We stopped for a bathroom break. I have hit the point where, try as I may, I cannot walk in the great outdoors unassisted. Yeah. Pisses me off. But that isn't what this blog is about.

EVERYONE is so thoughtful and always take a moment to make sure I get in to the restroom, get water or grab some food. Never, ever, EVER do I want for anything.

I try very hard to portray my gratitude. I'm sure they tire of my thank you's, but I say them nonetheless. I AM grateful.

Jan got the getting-Linnette-to-the-store duty. She let me hold her arm and slowed her pace to match my wobbles.

"Thank you."

"I'm just happy you're here."

Let me tell you, this simple statement was my focus the entire trip.

Don't get me wrong. I drank in the sights; wondered over cowboy-hood; enjoyed friends and family and patiently wait for Mark to reach back and pat my leg. I THOROUGHLY enjoyed our get-away.

However, this time I COULD NOT shake the sincerity and love in that simple statement.

I am so very lucky to have beautiful people in all walks of my life. I have family that adore me as well as unmatched friendship.

In 2006, Tim McGraw (have I mentioned that I love him?) released his Greatest Hits Volume 2 album titled Reflected. This album contains a song Beautiful People. This is the song that played over and over in my head as I kicked back on the bike and thought about my family, friends and various people who have crossed my path.

Tim croons:

They're just family, friends, and neighbors
Doing what they've always done
Lovin' fathers, lovin' daughters, lovin' mothers, lovin' sons
They gather 'round ole Glory
'Round the tables and the steeples
The beautiful people

Thank you, Jan. Thank you ALL for your gifts of hope, love, courage, laughter and strength. Thank you for believing in me and teaching me to believe in myself. Here's to all of the beautiful people in my world.

Yes. I'm a lucky girl.

My Wish

Jaden did it. He turned 18 on Friday. Seasons come and go. Holidays hit and leave. The tides ebb and flow. Before you know it, a year has passed and the time comes to celebrate your birth once again.

There isn't a day that goes by that Jaden doesn't say "Are you okay  Mom?" "Do you need anything?" I depend on him to unload my car when I get groceries. Usually I don't even ask. He just begins. Do you know how thoughtful that is? It is such a small gesture, yet it means the world to me.

Jaden graduated this year. The family convened at UVU to hoot and holler as my boy passed in his cap and gown. A couple of days before graduation, Goose came to me and stated that he and Daulton were going to make a lei out of dollar bills to give to Jaden to wear. I asked if I gave some cash if they would make one from Mom.

Jaden had two leis of $50 dollars each. (Which, by-the-way, it sure isn't easy to come by $100 when you are 17). Jaden walked out through the procession - with a single lei. "Where is his other lei?" "Did you give it to him?" Goose was in charge of the lei-giving and maybe he didn't give it to him. I hadn't seen their craftsmanship, maybe Goose and Daulton ran out of time and didn't get it made. What happened?

"Jaden gave it to one of his friends."

Of course he did.

That's how my kids roll. Generous and giving.

Orison Swett Marsden stated:

"Unless generosity of spirit prevails among men, there can never be upon earth an ideal life."

I think about that statement and I inevitably think about Jaden.

Jaden is still so young. Every single opportunity lies directly at his feet. He already holds the secret to the ideal life. That gift simply came to him. Check. Check. One item out of the way to grown-up-Jaden-hood.

The rest is a bit unknown. Will he be successful? Most definitely. See, success is only defined by WHO YOU ARE and what you do with the life that you have been given.

In 2006 Rascal Flatts released My Wish For You:

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
This is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you live,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance that you get
Find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take.
But more than anything,

...while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too.

Thank you, Jaden. Thank you for being born. Thank you for completing the Deason clan and making our family whole. Thank you for the gifts and the challenges you have brought to each. Thank you for all you bring; your inner strength; your talent; your hand-some-ness. Mostly thank you for your generous heart.

Get out there and become your dream.

5 More Minutes

I sent Jaden off to his last day of school. He graduates Monday. My heart races in anticipation of the changes that he will make in his world. Yet, my stomach boils. I'm not ready to be a grown-up. I genuinely miss my little kids. I miss them. I can't say it enough. I miss them.

This day is full of lasts. The last of my kids to attend Provo High. They have built a new school. Jaden is the final Senior class to attend the "old" school. The end of getting-up-and-taking-a-shower-before-school. The last phone call and email "This is Provo High School. Jaden was tardy/absent today." Um, why? Then a furious text to Jaden asking "why" followed with a statement that "I'm going to lose my #@$! if you missed class."

"Don't worry Mom. I've got it handled."

What does that even MEAN?

When Jaden was little and attending Franklin Elementary I got up every single morning to make him pancakes. My other kids were beyond mad at me. THEY didn't pancakes every morning. Heck. They were lucky to get bowls and spoons placed in front of them. "There are SO many of you. I can't function."

Should I make them SUPER mad at me? On cold days I would throw Jaden's socks in the oven to warm them up. Yep. I did that. It's a true story. One time I forgot about them and they melted. No lie. I opened the oven to an ooey-gooey mess.

Jaden by-passed Middle School and went to High School. Pancake time was over.

The drive to Provo High is spectacular at 7:00 in the morning. The sun hits the top of Mount Timpanogos just right and every morning I found myself exclaiming that "it is so beautiful today". More times than not, I was met with a mumble.

Jaden got his license. Goose and Daulton bought him a car. The morning drive to school ended.

Here I sit at my computer, tears falling as I remember vivid moments frozen in time. Do you think he gets it? Does he see the opportunities placed within his reach? All he needs to do is to reach out and grab hold.

Andy Andrews authored a book The Lost Choice. About the book, andyandrews.com writes:

Elegantly blending gripping fiction, extensive research, and a powerful message of hope, The Lost Choice illuminates the timeless principles for transforming your life and the world. ...Are you ready to make the personal discovery of a lifetime?

This was one of the books that Mark has read aloud to me. Pieces of a medallion are discovered. As time winds forward, other parts are found and when placed together the etching on the stone is revealed. The story of each stone is shared and their journey has stuck in my mind.

On page 79 you read:

"Because you have been made to make a difference. And I believe that you will."

I was driving home yesterday when Scotty McCreary's song Five More Minutes came on the radio:

Time rolls by the clock don't stop
I wish I had a few more drops
Of the good stuff, the good times
Oh, but they just keep on flying right on by
Like it ain't nothing
I wish I had me a pause button
Moments like those Lord knows I'd hit it
And give myself five more minutes

My thoughts turned to Jaden.

Og Mandino's book still resides on my desk. EVERY SINGLE DAY I read my scroll. I am on the Scroll Marked V.

I will live this day as if it's my last.

"And what shall I do with this last precious day which remains in my keeping? First, I will seal up its container of life so that not one drop spills itself upon the sand."

The hourglass can't be turned over. Time is a gift and five more minutes doesn't exist. You, Jaden, were placed on this earth to make a difference. Seal up your container of life and spill not a single drop.

You don't have to make a difference in the entire universe (that's a ton of pressure, isn't it?) Simply keep improving YOUR world. YOUR reality. YOUR future.

In turn, I will believe. In your hopes. Your dreams. Your ambition. Your ability. Your talent. Your kindness.

Don't you know you have already begun? YOU have made a difference in MY life.

Mother Goose

Goose turns 31 in three days. He goes on-call for the fire season the day before his birthday. Since the Hotshots are first on the schedule, we are assuming that he will be gone on his big day. Yuck. I love the fire season. He makes good money and his leadership abilities seem to grow and shine like a beacon. However, Daulton misses him, the family misses him and MOSTLY I miss him.

The kids always say "Goose is the golden child. You love him most." I answer "duh". And leave it at that.

I've always turned to Goose for help in fixing, remodeling or yard work. I know at times he tires of me running to him for everything. I simply enjoy working with him. I enjoy his company. We laugh. We talk. We tell stories. We share excitement over progress. It's so fun! So I ask. He helps. And my house is better because of it.

New Years rolled around and the cutest-couple-in-the-world (Daulton and Goose) were visiting and Daulton said "Tell your mom what we are doing for our New Year Resolution."

"We are looking up random facts everyday and sharing the knowledge of something we want to learn a bit about."

I wanted to join the group. Since they were put on the spot and couldn't say "no". I got to join.

We shared a variety of info from local legends behind the Timpview Mountain, to Dr. Seuss, to podcasts from Oprah. I absolutely LOVE that these two spend thought and energy in bettering themselves.

February rolled around and it was my turn to go. I hadn't yet researched what I wanted to share.

Goose sends a text. "I don't know who is up, but I'm going to go, cool?"

"Yes" I write "It's me. I totally forgot. Ugh. Sorry"

I begin to read the link my son sent.

The link is titled "An Expectant Dad's Guide To Pregnancy"

Realization dawned. I began to shake. Uncontrollably. I started typing "Why am I reading this?" It came out "ıut it cam out qty en i trsding?" So I called.

"Goose. Why am I reading this?"

"Why do you think Mama"

I freaking lost it. I was bawling so hard I couldn't speak.

My baby is having a baby and I couldn't be more proud.

Daulton and Goose will rock this parent stuff.

Back to the title of this blog. I have called my boy "Mother Goose" off and on through the years. Goose is super intense and spends time to not only improve his own abilities, but wants those around him to rise to their own capabilities. No more. No less.

That right there is why he is a good leader, a superb friend, a great brother and an amazing son.

At the end of one rhyme, Mother Goose wrote:

Jack's mother came by,
And caught the goose soon,
And mounting its back
Flew up to the moon.

Goose can fly to the moon. This much I know. If you make it to the moon? Check your list of friendships. I guarantee my boy is right there.

Happy birthday, son. Fly.

A Good And Faithful Servant

Mark called me on his birthday.

I answered the phone by singing, "Happy birthday to yoooooooo"

"I just got off the phone with Rick. Uncle Paul died. Rick, Theresa, Aunt Jacque, Uncle Johnny and Elise were with him when he died. "

"Oh."

It was awful. 

That night, while reading our book, the author quoted:

"...Well done, good and faithful servant."
Matthew 25:23

And I thought of my Uncle Paul.

Paul was the driving force in our family. I didn't get the opportunity to meet Grandpa Jack. I only knew Uncle Paul as the patriarch in the Deason family. He did it well, you know. 

Uncle Paul simply loved our family camp-outs. He would get to camp a few days early to organize, build and ready for the family to come. I don't know that we "kids" knew to what extent he would go to assure a perfect experience for each. The wood would be chopped and stacked, the fire pit dug and surrounded by logs for sitting, the bathroom dug and built, the kitchen staged and set, camp spots for each, wooden "chairs" for the little ones and even a shower for those that felt the need to cleanse. If it needed done, Uncle Paul was the one to make it happen.

My first impression of Uncle Paul was how very handsome this man is. I know. I know. I'm a bit biased. However, Uncle Paul was tall, lean and had the best eyes EVER. And he absolutely adored Aunt Charlene. She would tell her stories and he would simply shake his head and grin. One of the last times I got to visit with Uncle Paul, he told me "Man, I love her." And he meant it.

Uncle Paul quietly observed the goings-on in the Deason tribe. He was super smart and would watch stoically as we muddled and figured things out on our own. I admire that. I know, at times, he would have loved to knock our heads together. Yet he didn't. He met our grievances with humor - and taught us the same.

Uncle Paul taught "the boys" a love of camping, and fishing, and hunting while teaching them to respect the world in which we reside. There aren't many stories that Mark tells that don't include Uncle Paul.

The other day I was bathing. My iPod shuffled to Brantley Gilbert singing "One Hell Of An Amen". 

Doctor said he ain't got long
He just smiled said bring it on
If you think I'm scared
You got it all wrong
A little cancer can't break me
My heart's right and I believe
We all hit our knees
Started praying
No, he never gave up
Said the good Lord's waiting
And that's One Hell of an Amen
That's the only way to go
Fighting the good fight
'Til the good Lord calls you home
So be well, my friend,
Until I see you again
This is our last goodbye
But it's a Hell of an Amen

I love you, Uncle Paul. Thank you for teaching each of us to love God's creations. Thank you for guiding us with love and patience and kindness. Thank you for the twinkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips. Thank you for leading us through good times and trials.

Dumbledore said it best in Harry Potter:

"It's not really goodbye after all."

The Champion of my Heart

A new year has turned the corner. Today is Mark's birthday. And he's getting old....er....older. How did this age crap even happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that we were in High School and he was stealing an extra lunch and my MOM worked in the school cafeteria and SHE caught him and yelled at him in front of the entire school and Mark just looked at her. All Mark could say? "I was hungry." Yep. That really happened. Yesterday. Right?

A few months back, Mark and I were discussing all that we have done in our lifetime. Sometimes I envy my athletic/fatherly/honest/sailor/friendly/rock star/trucker/shop owner/hiking/karate kicking/jiu jitsu loving guy. Seems like he has done it all. I think he's done it all and doesn't give up until he is really, really, REALLY good at all he does. He's humble about his successes and does not brag on himself in any way.

I found it interesting that Mark stated, "I want to leave something important behind. Something that my kids and grandkids can talk about." Doesn't he know that he has already done that?

I don't want for anything. I like to say that it's because I don't ASK for anything. That's not really true. I don't ask because Mark would find a way to make it happen. And sometimes my wants are not nearly as important as my needs.

Montgomery Gentry sing Something To Be Proud Of. EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear:

Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed of how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, let me tell ya right now

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of

And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man

In 2005 Ron Howard wrote and directed the movie Cinderella Man. Mark Deming wrote on the rottontomatoes.com:

The true story of an athlete who achieved his greatest success against the most daunting odds of his life is brought to the screen in this historical drama. In the 1920s, James Braddock (Russell Crowe) from Bergen, NJ, was a promising contender in professional boxing; he had strength, spirit, and tenacity, but the combination of a serious hand injury and a 1929 defeat in a bout with light heavyweight champ Tommy Loughran sent his career into a serious tailspin. As Braddock's career in the ring dried up, the Great Depression put a stake through the heart of America's economy, and Braddock found himself working at the New York docks for pitiful wages as he tried to support his wife, Mae (Renée Zellweger), and three children. Desperate for money, Braddock turned to his former trainer and manager Joe Gould (Paul Giamatti), who was unexpectetedly able to scare up a bout for him, battling John Griffin at Madison Square Garden. While conventional wisdom had it that Braddock was too old, out of shape, and out of practice to have any chance of winning, he defeated Griffin, and continued beating his opponents with a powerful left hook that had been intensified by years of punishing dock work. In a nation desperate for good news, Braddock's surprising comeback became a tonic to struggling workers and unemployed people, and all eyes were on Braddock when in 1935 he took on powerful heavyweight champion Max Baer (Craig Bierko) in what was both literally and figuratively the fight of his life.

The Deason family owns this movie and periodically it finds its way to the DVD player. We pop popcorn and settle in with the yummy goodness, warm blankies and the guarantee of a wonderful movie.

Mae (René Zellweger) didn't want James to fight. At all. She worried that something would happen to James and, quite frankly, she kinda liked him and wanted to keep him around. Mae sent James off to fight, yet the fight was truly at home. She was mad and scared and no amount of money could make this right by her. She wasn't speaking to him. As the movie progresses you see the fear in her eyes, but they are met with determination in his. 

A few months back, Mark took up jiu jitsu. He fights and rolls with the best of them. He comes home bruised, winded, sweaty and sore.

In February, the Utah State Jiu Jitsu Championship came to Salt Lake City. Mark enrolled. I said all the right words "You'll rock it." This is going to be fun." "I'm excited to go. Really, I was thinking "What if you get hurt?" "Can you do this?" "Do you have any idea how OLD you are?"

Mae makes her way to the Braddock locker room before the fight. She says:

Maybe I understand, some, about having to fight. So you remember who you are...you're the Bulldog of Bergen, and the pride of New Jersey, you're everybody's hope, and the kids' hero, and you are the champion of my heart...

Off to the Utah Open Gi, No Gi tournament we went. After getting me in the door and settled (which is a workout in and of itself), Mark made his way to change. Goose, Daulton and Uncle Mike showed up just in time to watch Mark's first match.

He won! OHMYGOSH! HE WON! After fighting and rolling and sweating and (in his words) leaving his soul on the mat, my husband became the State Champion.

I about burst with pride. I know how hard he worked for this moment. I saw the sweat. I saw the bruises. I heard the stories. I watched the bad moves and the awful You Tube videos. All that faded to the distant past. Mark was a Gold Medalist and the Utah BJJ State Champion.

And the champion of my heart.