It Should Be In The Papers

I've not stuck to my word. Admittedly, 2019 was NOT my favorite-of-all-time. I didn't blog my happy thoughts and seemed to become lost in my anger and confusion. 2020 brings new beginning. New hope. AND new resolve to blog again. Verbal vomiting on an empty page is good for me, and since it's ALL about me... right? You get the picture.

A pretty awesome, really cool and super happy event happened in 2019. My Shelby married my entirely-handsome-and-calm-and-gracious-and-oh-so-wonderful Justin Roach.

I have always had an affinity to newspapers. I used to read each column ferociously. I love the written word and miss hearing the thump of the daily paper hitting our driveway.

When I lived in Ojai, I delivered newspapers every single day. I got up at 2:30. Drove to the newspaper "office", tied each newspaper, loaded them in my car and took off on my route. I threw the paper through the windows of my Grand Prix. Left and right. Left and right. With extreme accuracy my papers would land in the driveway of each subscriber.

I am ALWAYS cold. Because my windows had to stay down, I would bundle in layers. Did I mention I was pregnant with Tanna? I was. I would bundle up my big ol' belly and head into the darkness. About half-way through the route, I had to stop the car and get out to get the paper over a super high fence. Madam would always greet me. Madam is a German Shephard. I would pet her and talk to her. After some time, Bart (the owner) began coming out of the house to chat with me.

I thoroughly enjoyed our visits. Madam was one of the dogs that starred in Hogans Heroes. It's a show I watched as a kid. There was a tunnel under each dog house of the German Shepherd guard dogs (there were two of them). In the episode, the dog house would raise up, (dogs too) and you would see Hogan or one of his "men" peering around. It always brought a chuckle.

When I moved, Bart and his wife, Jane, gave me a picture of Madame. We remained pen pals for a while, but I let time slip away. I searched online for them a while back, but I had no luck.

Back "in the day" newspapers had a section for announcements. The reader was able to view specifics and pictures of births and engagements. If it was a celebrity, they would provide a write-up of the actual wedding - details that caused your imagination to run wild.

At 4:45 on Saturday, November 2, the bride, Shelby, escorted by her father, Mark, glided down an aisle lined with greenery, candles and cut wood.

The bride was stunning in a low backed gown that deceptively looked made of lace, but was instead a printed fabric that was both slimming and left cumbersome by the wayside. Her makeup was impeccable and was applied with skill by Justins sister Sarah. Tessa flew in from California and did a stunning job styling the hair of the bride. Shelby's hair swept to the side in a long braid in order to highlight the backless dress and accommodate the simple and elegant veil.

Her father was dashing in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and slim black tie.

Justin waited patiently under an arch made of greenery, with flowers, wood, lights and candles. The setting was stunning but only complimented the nervous groom dressed in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and black tie.

Everyone stood while the bride walked to the loving arms of her groom. Hailey proceeded the couple and tossed rose petals in the aisle. The audience wept while Mark handed his baby to the guy that promised to cherish the girl for life.

The ceremony was performed by a fellow firefighter that goes by the name "Mudflap". Mudflap sported a full-on mullet accented with a bright purple shirt. The speech was well rehearsed. It was funny, tearful and full of love. He pronounced Justin Roach and Shelby Deason husband and wife.

Following the ceremony, the venue was emptied of chairs and replaced with tables covered with greenery and beautiful flower arrangements. Chips and salsa were served in buffet style while family was swept outside for pictures. Street tacos, rice and beans followed and then the toasting began. Mark began the festivities with a tribute to the bride and groom. He wrapped up his speech by playing guitar with Mat Deason and singing "Nothing Compares To You."

More toasts were given and dancing followed. A live band serenaded while onlookers tore up the dance floor in moves that would put Michael Jackson to shame. The Daddy-Daughter dance was to "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper and the bride was overcome with emotion. That girl adores her dad and knew this was a big moment.

Justin grabbed his own mom to dance while twin, Josh, took a bow to the mother-of-the-bride and asked her to dance. Before the song ended, Josh and Justin switched places and I got to feel the strength of my new son-in-law's arms wrapped around me secretly promising to hold my girl up when she can't walk. Justin twirled me and dipped me with finesse while the crowd cheered. (We secretly stole the show).

Can you see it? It was beautiful and fun and heart warming and festive and a wonderful time was had by all. Congratulations my dear kids. I'm so proud.

Meet Justin and Shelby Roach. Together they will conquer the world.

Humble and Kind

In June, Jaden turned 19. It's so weird that my baby nears adult-hood-ness. It freaks me out a bit. I'm so not ready for everyone to be grown and gone. I will enjoy them while they are home. Right?

Jaden has faced some challenges this past year that have made him ANGRY and SAD and VOLATILE. Yet I still see loyalty accompanied with pain and fear in his eyes.

It kills me to see my kids hurt. I go to bed worrying about them and wake to thoughts of them. Jaden has taken the forefront on this.

When Jaden entered our family, he brought a breath of fresh air that each of us needed. We celebrated walking and talking and skateboarding and video games. We puffed up with pride over reading and spelling and math equations and writing. We cheered at sports events and learned again that mud puddles REALLY are fun, fishing is dang cool, movies are HAPPENING and cereal is the best food invented.

Yes. Jaden taught us to see the world with fresh eyes. Eyes we had forgotten to use in the mumble jumble of being an adult.

Jaden soared through school. He wowed all of his teachers. Above all, he has always been kind and loyal. I mean LOYAL. He loves his friends and family beyond measure.

I think at times we forget what it is like to be 16, 17, 18, 19 or even 20. We sure as heck don't know what it's like to do it now-days with social media, violence and cowards surrounding us. 

However, ALL the old adages remain true. 

"A penny saved is a penny earned." 

"Things are not always what they seem."

"Slow and steady wins the race."

"Call a spade a spade."

"Pride goes before the fall."

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy and wealthy and wise."

"Well done is better than well said."

"Nothing comes from nothing."

Maybe, just maybe, we need to see the world through Jaden's young eyes. Hopeful and kind and humane and adventurous. Maybe we need to see opportunities; grab them; never EVER let go.

The Steel Horse Family rode again. We left on July 4. Another absolutely wonderful,  invigorating, humbling, awe inspiring, holy-cow did you see that? experience.

But I had left my boy in turmoil. His super, extra, pretty dang cool friend had just died. It was awful. Heartbreaking. Difficult. Hard.

Jaden was on my mind as I soared through mountains. Smelled evergreens. Viewed lakes and valleys and breathtaking scenery. I carried Jaden with me when EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the group made sure I was able to walk on the beach and feel the ocean glide through my toes.

We were riding in silence when Mark turned up the CD and Tim McGraw began singing "Humble And Kind".  And I could NOT stop thinking of my boy.

You know there's a lot that goes by the front door
Don't forget the keys under the mat
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be a waste of time
Always stay humble and kind
Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got moutains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind
Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flying
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
I love you ain't no pick up line
Always stay humble and kind.
Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams your dreaming' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind
When its hot, drink a rooter, eat a popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love life gives you
When you get where your goin'
Don't forget turn back around
Help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind.

Happy Birthday, my son. Remember these things. Honor you friends, your family, but most of all honor yourself. 19 is going to lay opportunities at your feet. Seek them. Grab hold with both hands and never let go. Take a moment and see yourself through my eyes. You're perfect.

Nothing. Everything.

Sunnie emailed me to find out "WHY" the heck I haven't blogged. Crap. It's been a while, hasn't it? Thank you Sunnie for lighting a fire under my butt. Oh! A big thank you for checking on me.

No. I am not hurt, sick or dead. Just working like a crazy woman. I do love Spring, but getting the yard back in order is a daunting task. My energy has been devoted to that and I'm slacking.

I HOPE to be back in the swing of things and blog more. Heaven knows I have PLENTY to say!

A couple of weeks ago, Shelby came over. She has been trying to come once a week to do some cleaning for me so I don't go absolutely-terribly-down-the-rabbit-hole crazy. We cleaned, then she just sat in the chair and we chatted.

Shelby has been really pushing me to write affirmations. The thing I like about chatting with her about this self-help stuff is she is very forthright in saying "this was hard for me." She's willing to talk about how uncomfortable and weird it felt. MANY times it's EXACTLY how I felt right before I quit.

And I quit. Often.

Why is it that we let our insecurities get in the way of our success? I think I'm ALWAYS in my own way. To be honest, it frustrates me.

Mark called me the other day. "Don't tell me NO. Get on your podcast app and listen to Joe Rogan interviewing Naval Ravikant. It's episode #1309."

I have to admit. I listened for a bit and said no more. I do Podcasts while I work, but I don't "hear" them. I just need the noise. I turned it off, called Mark and said "I tried. Not into it".

He was pretty mad.

He talked about it that night.

He talked about it the following night.

"If you had listened to that podcast..."

Last night Mark took me to get my brand new I-am-so-excited prescription sunglasses.

Anyone struggling to see will share my excitement.

After we went to dinner, we drove the back streets of Utah county. I am not able to drive any longer, so when I say this was a treat? THIS WAS A TREAT.

We are weird (I know) and old (I know this too) and since we had been talking about meditation, Mark turned on the app he downloaded about meditation, I closed my eyes and meditated. Right there. In the car.

It was JUST what I needed.

Mark turned on that podcast. I was captive. I had to listen. I'm grateful and better for doing so.

Naval Ravikant is the most intelligent man. He speaks what he knows and knows what he speaks.

"We are nothing. Yet, we are everything."

We are, aren't we?

I fall in the "nothing" category if you look at the entire universe. Yet, I fill the "everything" category at the very same time.

Only I walk and talk and experience and have passion and frailities and experience that I call my own. I share what I can, however, nobody REALLY knows my pain - my joy - my triumph - my accomplishments - my failings - my insecurity - my struggles - my hopes - my dreams - my longings.

Og Mandino said it best in Chapter Eleven of The Greatest Salesman in the World. The Scroll Marked IV.

I am nature's greatest miracle.

I AM nature's greatest miracle.

Do you hear me?

I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE.

Say it. Loudly. Mean it. See it. BE it.

Shelby said something that truly resonated with me. "The universe WANTS you to be happy."

I started (restarted) my affirmations.

Every day I read out loud how wonderful I am. Yep. It's weird. Its awkward. It doesn't ring true all of the time.

However, I do find myself gravitating towards a "better" me.

I'm happy. TRULY happy.

I'm at the beginning of liking who I am. I have spent my entire life struggling and emerging into this adult. I have FOUGHT to become who I am. I have conquered beasts determined to bring me down, and yet I don't believe in myself? Now THAT'S a contradiction.

So...

I challenge YOU to begin believing in yourself. Write down the things that resonate within. I began with things I KNOW and I wrote things I have heard other say about me. Every day believe in yourself. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My Affirmations (so far):
I am SUPER creative. My book will soar and my dream will come true.  (My Seasons of Utah book)
I am a good writer.
I am STRONG.
I am beautiful.
I am the glue in my family.
I mean so much to many people.

I am.

Flying With Eagles

Tomorrow is another birthday. For Goose. He has had 31 so far and tomorrow marks 32.

This year has brought many, many, MANY changes for my son. He is a daddy now. He loves it. It's so fun to watch him embrace daddy-hood.

Goose is no longer with the Hotshots. He decided that being gone the entire Summer is not what he had in mind for his family. He was offered a job that ensured he would be home every night. He accepted. Goose is over quite a few fire agencies now and will make sure fires are fought and battles won.

I think his decision shared excitement and anticipation with sadness. As "the season" approaches I think he feels relief at not leaving his family, but yet is saddened to not be with his "brother-family". I get it. However, I'm SUPER excited to have him home to enjoy birthdays, family barbecues and hot tubbing.

It's funny how you break routine without thinking about it. In hindsight, it was the best thing ever. But why? Interesting.

I needed a bath. I learned a long time ago that if I check voicemail or email that "POOF" - my day is gone before I know it. Therefore, anything I needed for myself came first NO MATTER WHAT.

Except THAT day.

I was getting ready to run a tub. Jaden was a little guy and still in bed.

I checked my messages.

"This is Officer so-and-so. Your son has been in an accident. You need to call the hospital."

What? Did I hear that right?

I knew it would be faster to drive to the hospital.

Josh was living with us. I yelled down the stairs that one of the boys was hurt. I was heading to the hospital. "You've got Jaden."

I didn't even wait for an answer.

I got in the jeep and took off.

I SWEAR TO YOU that was the loooooongest drive in FOREVER.

In reality it was MAYBE five minutes.

Was Tyson in a wreck on his way to work? What had happened to him?

I got to the hospital.

"My son is here. I need to get to him."

"What's his name?"

"I don't know."

The nurse looked at me quizzically.

"Last name is Deason, but I don't know for sure if it's Tyson or Kadell."

The nurse led me to a room with Goose sitting in a bed.

"Goose." I whispered.

They were wheeling out an X-ray machine and I heard the doctor say "Nothing is broke."

It's funny how unimportant things bear witness to what is REALLY happening.

Goose had his hand on towels. ALOT of towels.

I said to him "At least nothing is broke."

I had no idea what had happened. Why was he there? He looked fine. Why was he there? Why did a cop call me? Why was he there? Why was he NOT in X-ray? Why did they wheel in a machine? Why was he there?

Then my little boy lifted his hand off the towels. His flesh hung down. I could see his bones, tendons and all the gunk that make up a hand.

I reeled out of the room and sat on the floor outside of his door - head between my knees - fighting nausea and the blackness creeping. I heard Goose say loudly "DO NOT CRY MOM."

I didn't.

I stood up. Brushed my butt and headed back in.

Long story short? While employed at Powder River making livestock fencing, Goose had rolled his arm in the machine that bends metal. It popped his hand. I knew beyond any belief that we were going to lose his hand.

After transferring to a different hospital and sitting FOREVER in the ER watching nurses come in to drug him and wash his wounds, the surgeon came in. He did a few tests and announced "I can save his hand."

I couldn't believe it. Guess what? After multiple surgeries and a very long hospital stay, he SAVED HIS HAND.

Through all of that trauma, Goose kept a cool head and a steady soul. He kept ME calm while he suffered and bled.

In 1987, Sammy Hagar released the song "Eagles Fly". First of all, I love, love, LOVE Sammy. Second of all, this song has ALWAYS reminded me of Goose. Always.

Sunday morning 9 a.m.
I saw fire in the sky
I felt my heart pound in my chest
I heard an eagle cry
Now I'm alive I can breathe the air
I watch an eagle rise above the trees
Project myself into what he sees
Take me away
Come on fly away
Take me up so high
Where eagles fly
I often dream I sail through the sky
I've always wished I could fly
The simple life of a bird on the wing
Oh Lord, I could sing
I'm alive, I breathe the air
Wash the earth from my face
I catch a glimpse of another dream
I turn, I look but there's no trace

Come on, let's fly away where eagles fly.

Goose will soar through 32. He will keep steady and will surely win this race called Life. If you haven't had a chance to soar among the Eagles, meet my guy. I get to do it EVERY single day.

Happy birthday, my son. I'm so very proud of you.

You're Gonna Live Forever

In October of 1977, John Mayer entered our world. In November of 2016, he released the album The Search For Everything. One of the songs on that album is named You're Gonna Live Forever In Me. On Friday, March  22 at  9:30 a.m. that is the song I heard while heading to a memorial for my dear friend Beckie.

...And you're gonna live forever in me
I guarantee, it's your destiny

Mark drove me to Orem to see my dear friend for the last time.

It was a small service held at a church. Five of her kids stood and shared a few stories. First thought I had was "I can't believe how much I learned from her on this mommy stuff". I found that the stories could have each been told by MY kids. This made me smile.

Then, I reflected how a lifetime, HER lifetime, could be summed up in a few short sentences.

I miss my Beckie. Let me make sure you understand - I MISS MY BECKIE.

Beckie believed in me. She celebrated the good and mourned the bad. When hurricanes struck while I lived in Virginia, it was Beckie who called to check on me.

Beckie could sew. I mean that lady could sew. She knew her fabric and how to handle each.

Many, many, MANY times I enlisted her expertise to sew what I needed. When I was pregnant with Tanna, I became pretty desperate for maternity clothes to cover my expanding belly. I asked Beck to make me some cute overalls.

Before long, the mailman brought a slip stating that I had a package at the Post Office. I was so excited. I got the kids ready and walked to the Post Office in Ojai. I was clutching that slip.

The Post Office was by a park. I handed over the sweaty, wrinkled sheet; grabbed the package; thanked the postal worker; gathered the kids and went to the park. I held the package, return address from Beckie, unopened.

While the kids played, I sat in the warm grass and opened my handmade maternity clothes. I was super excited. Imagine my surprise when the clothes weren't there. In their place was the cutest fabric bear with matching basket, a wall quilt and a VERY silky, long black nighty. I was stunned.

"I just wanted to do something special for you."

Those were the words I heard when I called my friend to thank her.

Beckie was not gifted with an easy life. It seems she learned struggle and sadness and loneliness and grief at an early age. I'm not sure that she ever knew how wonderful she truly was. She was, you know. Wonderful.

She developed dementia. However, she kept her humor and, at times, I still bore witness to the twinkle in her eyes and the lightness in her step.

When her oldest boy, André, messaged to let me know that Beckie was not in a good place and we were probably going to lose her, I hit my knees.

Afterglow was released by Sarah McLachian in 2003. The song Answer plays from my iPod. Man, I love this song.

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you can't look down
If it takes my whole life I won't break I won't bend
It'll all be worth it worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright.

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

From that moment, this song has played over and over in my mind. Let's be honest, it still plays for me.

I miss my Beckie. I miss the long talks. I miss her smile. Her laughter. Her humor.

I miss the light in her eyes.

I long for her hugs.

She offered sturdy, unfailing friendship. She changed my life.

What I would give to have my friend whole; to hold her hand one more minute. I would whisper "It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end."

Beckie, I hope, NO I PRAY with all my might, that you were cast gently into morning, for I know your night was unkind.

Rebecca (Eldridge) Hoyt

July 03, 1957 - March 19, 2019

What I Know

When Tanna was in High School she was assigned to write things she knew. For certain. For her birthday that year, I made her a picture to always remind her that the simple things matter. I would always warn "Don't get caught up in the emotion of the thing. Deal with the facts."

I think at times my advice has fallen on deaf ears. It's not just Tanna. ALL of my kids roll their eyes and turn their heads when I go into "Mom" mode. Okay. I'll be honest. Mark does as well.

I start counseling today. Again. A few years back I went to counseling here in Provo. Ummmmm. Let's just say it didn't work out. I wasn't a fan.

Shelby has been riding my butt to go back. I was NOT interested. It was such a waste of time and money.

I see my neurologist once a year. I have such a rare disease that it's more of an update for her.

This last visit she informed me that they are making progress in bulls-eyeing this disease. I may not see the progress in my lifetime, but my children will and maybe - just maybe - my grand babies will never know the fear and anguish of OPCA.

During my SIX hour visit (nope. I'm not lying.) my therapist wrote down two names of gals that used to work in the department that now are therapists. I put the numbers in my purse; transferred them to a "safe" place at home and for the life of me CANNOT find them.

Fast forward to about a week ago. I'm in a bad place. Fear is DOMINATING my life. My future is so unclear to me that I no longer see beauty and peace.

Enter Mary.

I emailed my doctor that I was "losing my shit'. Sorry for the bad word. However, that is exactly how I worded it and the results were prompt. I got those numbers and called the first on the list. Tag, Mary, you get to deal with my crazy.

I'm writing this before I go tonight. I want to remember why I'm going. I want to remember my excitement and the anticipation of a new life. I desire peace and hope and joy and happiness and anticipation. Both for me and my family. Poof! I want the fear GONE. Forever.

Therefore, I'll remember each loss. I'll remember when I could sing and dance and talk and laugh and read and craft and draw and write and walk and skip and run and hike and drive and...and....and...

I'll remember the fear and pain and restlessness and anger and hopelessness and the unpeace. Yes. I'll remember.

BUT. I will now live. Yes, I'll LIVE. If I slip, I have the loving arms of my family to fall in. With the help of new tools and ideas I anticipate less falls and success to prevail.

These things I know:

• Disease is awful and scary.

• It's okay to be afraid.

• Family can lift you higher than you've ever been.

• What you can or cannot do DOES NOT define you. 

• A new baby smells like heaven. 

• Being kind is worth more than anything.

• Use your words.

• Deal with the facts.

• The loudest voice in the room isn't always right.

• At times, what you think you need to say is not NEARLY as important as the person you are saying it to.

• Pick your battles.

• Take care of YOU and then you are capable of taking care of everyone else.

• Pepsi is better than Coke.

• I choose to grow and learn and become. 

• Pull up your bootstraps.

• Persist without exception.

• Greet every day with love in your heart.

• Children are a gift.

• Families are forever.

• I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

This Is Me

Another year has flown past leaving each to face 2019. With every single New Years wish, I replied "2019 is going to be epic. I know it."

It will be. Epic.

Every New Year brings the same routine - time to take down the Christmas tree, box up the twinkling lights, un-choo-choo the train, retire Santa's hat and reminisce on Christmas memories. It's a love/hate relationship FOR SURE.

This year, Tanna and Shelby took on the putting-up-the-tree-for-mom task. However, Tanna went home and Shelby has been delegated to remove all signs of festivity until next year.

"I'm sorry I haven't come yet to do the tree. Our friend (no, I'm not going to say his name) is in town and he's having a rough time. I need to be there for him."

"Of course. No rush. We will do the tree this weekend."

I have thought and pondered and wondered and cried over our friend's situation.

I have mentioned that Mark reads to me nearly every night. We just finished You Can't Hurt Me penned by David Goggins. Absolutely LOVED this book. I highly recommend reading it. Having said that out loud, I do need to mention that it is, at times, vulgar and irreverent. It's raw, real and unrefined. This book was just what I needed to hear and has inspired me to become more.

I slip on my jammies, curl into bed and listen as Mark reads. We have read multiple books now and it seems that the recurring theme is "Everyone has a story."

Triumph comes from the ashes. Success is born from failure. Don't give up. Never-ever-ever quit. Ever.

When Shelby told me that our friend was facing sadness right now, I thought of this. I say loudly "Don't quit." Sometimes it is necessary to be still and simply step back to see ourselves through the eyes of those that not only love us, but admire us as well. Kindness is returned to the bearer.

I recently changed my ever-most-favorite-movie list. I added The Greatest Showman. I absolutely, without-a-doubt LOVE this movie. According to FoxMovies.com

Hugh Jackman leads an all-star cast in this bold and original musical filled with show stopping performances that will bring you to your feet time and time again. 

Inspired by the story of P.T. Barnum, the film follows the visionary who rose from nothing to create a mesmerizing spectacle.

Isn't it grand that Barnum simply saw people? He saw through each idiosyncrasy. What some called freaks, he called family.

To me, the music defines the entire movie. I hear each song, pick it apart and find meaning behind every sing-song word.

In the movie, tiring of the scrutiny each have had to endure, Keala Settle (the bearded lady) leads the anomalies in singing This Is Me.

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest tools wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
and I know that I deserve your love
'cause there's nothing I'm not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Say it loud and proud, my friend. Take all the hurt, anger, fear, sorrow and hopelessness - wrap it in a ball and throw it away. We are enough. YOU are enough. Gather every shred of courage you possess. Scoop up your honor, integrity, happiness and love to replace all that mumble-jumble rattling in your head. Give sadness the finger. Always.

Open the floodgates and scream for all to hear -

THIS IS ME.