Broken Halos

I should be doing some Freelance design. Trust me, I have clients that are holding. I think that they might want to be holding around my neck, but I have had this blog on my mind for over a week and it is driving me nuts, so I'm writing first. I guess clients will wait.

Seems like lately all I write about is gloom and doom. Death follows me like a rabid dog.

My intent from the beginning was to use my words to write about my life. Therefore, here is another blog about the horrid horrible.

I read that Kenny Rogers died. What? I LOVE Kenny Rogers. Was he really THAT old? My very first 45 was of Kenny singing "The Gambler." It was a Christmas gift from Diane Brown. Does Diane even remember gifting me that record? I do. I'm so grateful she did. She gave me a gift of new music I had never experienced before. Country music. I listened fervently to every word sung to me, and filled the air with my own singing. I absolutely loved it. Thank you Diane.

Later that day, I received a text from my cousin Ronda. "Lexi passed away yesterday". What? Ohmygosh, WHAT? Do you remember "Ashes To Ashes"? It's a blog I wrote a while back about Cory Jo. Yep. She was Ronda's daughter. Lexi was her big sister. Both girls, all of Ronda's kids, are gone.

I don't know how Ronda is keeping it together. I would lose my mind. Alas, keeping it together, she is and I hurt for her. Terribly.

This morning, Mark was showing me a song by Chris Stapleton. Broken Halos. I thought of Lexi Marie.

Lexi fought battles that many of us are not able to understand. They were hers. Nobody, I mean NOBODY gets to judge or use my ever-most-hated-statement beginning with "If it were me...".

Many would say that Lexi had a broken halo. I would argue. Vehemently.

Lexi was kind - beyond a normal-kind kind. She genuinely cared about those she loved. She NEVER let me pass without hugging me and asking about my life. Her laughter was contagious and her beauty within combined with her outer beauty. She was a force that forgot to seize her own power. Nor did she hold on to that amazing-ness to see her through the bad times.

I wish I had told her more often. I wish she knew. Why don't we believe in our own uniqueness? Why not grasp that power?

My new favorite television show is "A Million Little Things".  It's on ABC. Mark sat watching it with me for all of 5 minutes. He got up and said "It's way too sappy." And left.

He might be right.

The premise is:

Set in Boston, a tight-knit circle of friends are shocked after a member of the group dies from suicide unexpectedly. The friends realize that they need to finally start living life as they cope with their loss. The title is a reference to the saying "Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things."

A couple of episodes back, the friends gathered for a dinner to celebrate Jon.  A toast was given by Theo, who is 10. He was studying Egyptians at school. He said "The Egyptians believe you die twice. Once when you take your final breath and then again the last time someone says your name."

I'm here to tell you, I have not forgotten. So let me say loudly "Uncle Wendell, Cousin Sheena, Cousin Randall's wife - Cherie, Cousin Tonya's baby, Grandma Caroline, Grandma Elizabeth, Grandpa Pete, Grandpa Lyn, Aunt Jean, Uncle Lyn, Aunt Marie, Aunt Joy, Aunt Mel, Aunt Charlene, Uncle Paul, Aunt Charlene (yes, there are two), Cousin Lori, Cousin Rebekah, Cousin Stephanie's husband Kevin, Cousin Rick's wife Lori, Pat Nakai, Jared Nakai, Denise Jeppesen, My-Best-Friend Ray, Rebecca Hoyt, Max, Cory Jo, Korby's mom, Celeste's mother, Cousin Monicas husband Cory, Aunt Norma, Uncle Henry, Granny, Grandpa Jack, My Dad - Bob Allen, Keith, Lexi Marie.

I know I forgot to mention someone. As per my addled brain, I can't think. I'm relinquishing to you. Say the names of everyone in your life who has died. Keep them alive.

My names may or may not mean anything to you. However, the people bearing those names affected my life. I'm happy to say that with joy.

Thank you Lexi for giving us your sweet spirit to keep in our hearts forever. Yours was not a broken halo. According to Chris Stapleton:

Angels come down
From the heavens
Just to help us on our way
Come to teach us
Then they leave us
And they find some other soul to save

To The Moon and Back

On October 2, I awoke, checked my phone and had a message from my friend, Debi.

"Please call me."

I knew right then, mom (Shirley) had died.

Do I need to say again how I hate this age I'm in? Everyone that I have known my WHOLE life is passing on. I know. I know. The circle of life and all that crap. Have I ever told you that I'm a selfish girl and it's ALL about me?

Shirley came to be with Mark's dad while I was in Norfolk, Virginia. Mark knew her from his childhood, but I had never met her. When Mark got out of the service, we moved from coast to coast - leaving behind Virginia and landing in Seattle to live with Dad and Shirley until Mark found a job and we could get in our own place.

I don't know why I worried. It was wonderful. We chatted, played games and cooked ferociously. She was so cute with Tyson and loved him immensely.

Shirley had a great sense of humor and could light up a room with her smile.

Being a mom was top priority to this gal. When Jaden was born, she would come every single day to photograph him. "Back in the day" smart phones didn't exist. She had to grab her camera, take the pictures and at the end of a week when the roll was finished, it was sent in to be developed. When she got the photos back, she rushed to my house clutching the unopened envelope. We viewed the pictures and were astounded over the changes my boy experienced in such a short time.

I find myself thinking about love and how it differs with each person. Not the actual love, but how love is shown. I'm bothered that if it is not shown in the way we think it should be, then fences and boundaries are set in place and - at times - love is rejected. 

I think we are so lucky to be loved. My feeling is we all carry demons and monsters - some carry them inside and some monsters rear their head in an outward showing. BUT we each have them. Forgive mine and I'll forgive yours. 

Shirley loved Facebook. She kept in touch with friends and family. I used to giggle with my kids "I think Grandma is stalking me. She comments on EVERY SINGLE post." She did. Every one. I found myself looking for her comments. I loved what she would say, loved her support and on really lucky days she would send me an individual message.

"I love you to the moon and back." 

I was lucky to know her. I am lucky to be loved by her. 

Thank you, mom, for your smile. Your wisdom. Your laughter. Your joy. Your gracious love for people. For the books we shared. For your unfailing support. For the life you gave when it was so hard to simply "be". I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU - to the moon and back.

It Should Be In The Papers

I've not stuck to my word. Admittedly, 2019 was NOT my favorite-of-all-time. I didn't blog my happy thoughts and seemed to become lost in my anger and confusion. 2020 brings new beginning. New hope. AND new resolve to blog again. Verbal vomiting on an empty page is good for me, and since it's ALL about me... right? You get the picture.

A pretty awesome, really cool and super happy event happened in 2019. My Shelby married my entirely-handsome-and-calm-and-gracious-and-oh-so-wonderful Justin Roach.

I have always had an affinity to newspapers. I used to read each column ferociously. I love the written word and miss hearing the thump of the daily paper hitting our driveway.

When I lived in Ojai, I delivered newspapers every single day. I got up at 2:30. Drove to the newspaper "office", tied each newspaper, loaded them in my car and took off on my route. I threw the paper through the windows of my Grand Prix. Left and right. Left and right. With extreme accuracy my papers would land in the driveway of each subscriber.

I am ALWAYS cold. Because my windows had to stay down, I would bundle in layers. Did I mention I was pregnant with Tanna? I was. I would bundle up my big ol' belly and head into the darkness. About half-way through the route, I had to stop the car and get out to get the paper over a super high fence. Madam would always greet me. Madam is a German Shephard. I would pet her and talk to her. After some time, Bart (the owner) began coming out of the house to chat with me.

I thoroughly enjoyed our visits. Madam was one of the dogs that starred in Hogans Heroes. It's a show I watched as a kid. There was a tunnel under each dog house of the German Shepherd guard dogs (there were two of them). In the episode, the dog house would raise up, (dogs too) and you would see Hogan or one of his "men" peering around. It always brought a chuckle.

When I moved, Bart and his wife, Jane, gave me a picture of Madame. We remained pen pals for a while, but I let time slip away. I searched online for them a while back, but I had no luck.

Back "in the day" newspapers had a section for announcements. The reader was able to view specifics and pictures of births and engagements. If it was a celebrity, they would provide a write-up of the actual wedding - details that caused your imagination to run wild.

At 4:45 on Saturday, November 2, the bride, Shelby, escorted by her father, Mark, glided down an aisle lined with greenery, candles and cut wood.

The bride was stunning in a low backed gown that deceptively looked made of lace, but was instead a printed fabric that was both slimming and left cumbersome by the wayside. Her makeup was impeccable and was applied with skill by Justins sister Sarah. Tessa flew in from California and did a stunning job styling the hair of the bride. Shelby's hair swept to the side in a long braid in order to highlight the backless dress and accommodate the simple and elegant veil.

Her father was dashing in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and slim black tie.

Justin waited patiently under an arch made of greenery, with flowers, wood, lights and candles. The setting was stunning but only complimented the nervous groom dressed in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and black tie.

Everyone stood while the bride walked to the loving arms of her groom. Hailey proceeded the couple and tossed rose petals in the aisle. The audience wept while Mark handed his baby to the guy that promised to cherish the girl for life.

The ceremony was performed by a fellow firefighter that goes by the name "Mudflap". Mudflap sported a full-on mullet accented with a bright purple shirt. The speech was well rehearsed. It was funny, tearful and full of love. He pronounced Justin Roach and Shelby Deason husband and wife.

Following the ceremony, the venue was emptied of chairs and replaced with tables covered with greenery and beautiful flower arrangements. Chips and salsa were served in buffet style while family was swept outside for pictures. Street tacos, rice and beans followed and then the toasting began. Mark began the festivities with a tribute to the bride and groom. He wrapped up his speech by playing guitar with Mat Deason and singing "Nothing Compares To You."

More toasts were given and dancing followed. A live band serenaded while onlookers tore up the dance floor in moves that would put Michael Jackson to shame. The Daddy-Daughter dance was to "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper and the bride was overcome with emotion. That girl adores her dad and knew this was a big moment.

Justin grabbed his own mom to dance while twin, Josh, took a bow to the mother-of-the-bride and asked her to dance. Before the song ended, Josh and Justin switched places and I got to feel the strength of my new son-in-law's arms wrapped around me secretly promising to hold my girl up when she can't walk. Justin twirled me and dipped me with finesse while the crowd cheered. (We secretly stole the show).

Can you see it? It was beautiful and fun and heart warming and festive and a wonderful time was had by all. Congratulations my dear kids. I'm so proud.

Meet Justin and Shelby Roach. Together they will conquer the world.

Humble and Kind

In June, Jaden turned 19. It's so weird that my baby nears adult-hood-ness. It freaks me out a bit. I'm so not ready for everyone to be grown and gone. I will enjoy them while they are home. Right?

Jaden has faced some challenges this past year that have made him ANGRY and SAD and VOLATILE. Yet I still see loyalty accompanied with pain and fear in his eyes.

It kills me to see my kids hurt. I go to bed worrying about them and wake to thoughts of them. Jaden has taken the forefront on this.

When Jaden entered our family, he brought a breath of fresh air that each of us needed. We celebrated walking and talking and skateboarding and video games. We puffed up with pride over reading and spelling and math equations and writing. We cheered at sports events and learned again that mud puddles REALLY are fun, fishing is dang cool, movies are HAPPENING and cereal is the best food invented.

Yes. Jaden taught us to see the world with fresh eyes. Eyes we had forgotten to use in the mumble jumble of being an adult.

Jaden soared through school. He wowed all of his teachers. Above all, he has always been kind and loyal. I mean LOYAL. He loves his friends and family beyond measure.

I think at times we forget what it is like to be 16, 17, 18, 19 or even 20. We sure as heck don't know what it's like to do it now-days with social media, violence and cowards surrounding us. 

However, ALL the old adages remain true. 

"A penny saved is a penny earned." 

"Things are not always what they seem."

"Slow and steady wins the race."

"Call a spade a spade."

"Pride goes before the fall."

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy and wealthy and wise."

"Well done is better than well said."

"Nothing comes from nothing."

Maybe, just maybe, we need to see the world through Jaden's young eyes. Hopeful and kind and humane and adventurous. Maybe we need to see opportunities; grab them; never EVER let go.

The Steel Horse Family rode again. We left on July 4. Another absolutely wonderful,  invigorating, humbling, awe inspiring, holy-cow did you see that? experience.

But I had left my boy in turmoil. His super, extra, pretty dang cool friend had just died. It was awful. Heartbreaking. Difficult. Hard.

Jaden was on my mind as I soared through mountains. Smelled evergreens. Viewed lakes and valleys and breathtaking scenery. I carried Jaden with me when EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the group made sure I was able to walk on the beach and feel the ocean glide through my toes.

We were riding in silence when Mark turned up the CD and Tim McGraw began singing "Humble And Kind".  And I could NOT stop thinking of my boy.

You know there's a lot that goes by the front door
Don't forget the keys under the mat
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be a waste of time
Always stay humble and kind
Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got moutains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind
Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flying
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
I love you ain't no pick up line
Always stay humble and kind.
Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams your dreaming' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind
When its hot, drink a rooter, eat a popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love life gives you
When you get where your goin'
Don't forget turn back around
Help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind.

Happy Birthday, my son. Remember these things. Honor you friends, your family, but most of all honor yourself. 19 is going to lay opportunities at your feet. Seek them. Grab hold with both hands and never let go. Take a moment and see yourself through my eyes. You're perfect.

Nothing. Everything.

Sunnie emailed me to find out "WHY" the heck I haven't blogged. Crap. It's been a while, hasn't it? Thank you Sunnie for lighting a fire under my butt. Oh! A big thank you for checking on me.

No. I am not hurt, sick or dead. Just working like a crazy woman. I do love Spring, but getting the yard back in order is a daunting task. My energy has been devoted to that and I'm slacking.

I HOPE to be back in the swing of things and blog more. Heaven knows I have PLENTY to say!

A couple of weeks ago, Shelby came over. She has been trying to come once a week to do some cleaning for me so I don't go absolutely-terribly-down-the-rabbit-hole crazy. We cleaned, then she just sat in the chair and we chatted.

Shelby has been really pushing me to write affirmations. The thing I like about chatting with her about this self-help stuff is she is very forthright in saying "this was hard for me." She's willing to talk about how uncomfortable and weird it felt. MANY times it's EXACTLY how I felt right before I quit.

And I quit. Often.

Why is it that we let our insecurities get in the way of our success? I think I'm ALWAYS in my own way. To be honest, it frustrates me.

Mark called me the other day. "Don't tell me NO. Get on your podcast app and listen to Joe Rogan interviewing Naval Ravikant. It's episode #1309."

I have to admit. I listened for a bit and said no more. I do Podcasts while I work, but I don't "hear" them. I just need the noise. I turned it off, called Mark and said "I tried. Not into it".

He was pretty mad.

He talked about it that night.

He talked about it the following night.

"If you had listened to that podcast..."

Last night Mark took me to get my brand new I-am-so-excited prescription sunglasses.

Anyone struggling to see will share my excitement.

After we went to dinner, we drove the back streets of Utah county. I am not able to drive any longer, so when I say this was a treat? THIS WAS A TREAT.

We are weird (I know) and old (I know this too) and since we had been talking about meditation, Mark turned on the app he downloaded about meditation, I closed my eyes and meditated. Right there. In the car.

It was JUST what I needed.

Mark turned on that podcast. I was captive. I had to listen. I'm grateful and better for doing so.

Naval Ravikant is the most intelligent man. He speaks what he knows and knows what he speaks.

"We are nothing. Yet, we are everything."

We are, aren't we?

I fall in the "nothing" category if you look at the entire universe. Yet, I fill the "everything" category at the very same time.

Only I walk and talk and experience and have passion and frailities and experience that I call my own. I share what I can, however, nobody REALLY knows my pain - my joy - my triumph - my accomplishments - my failings - my insecurity - my struggles - my hopes - my dreams - my longings.

Og Mandino said it best in Chapter Eleven of The Greatest Salesman in the World. The Scroll Marked IV.

I am nature's greatest miracle.

I AM nature's greatest miracle.

Do you hear me?

I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE.

Say it. Loudly. Mean it. See it. BE it.

Shelby said something that truly resonated with me. "The universe WANTS you to be happy."

I started (restarted) my affirmations.

Every day I read out loud how wonderful I am. Yep. It's weird. Its awkward. It doesn't ring true all of the time.

However, I do find myself gravitating towards a "better" me.

I'm happy. TRULY happy.

I'm at the beginning of liking who I am. I have spent my entire life struggling and emerging into this adult. I have FOUGHT to become who I am. I have conquered beasts determined to bring me down, and yet I don't believe in myself? Now THAT'S a contradiction.

So...

I challenge YOU to begin believing in yourself. Write down the things that resonate within. I began with things I KNOW and I wrote things I have heard other say about me. Every day believe in yourself. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

My Affirmations (so far):
I am SUPER creative. My book will soar and my dream will come true.  (My Seasons of Utah book)
I am a good writer.
I am STRONG.
I am beautiful.
I am the glue in my family.
I mean so much to many people.

I am.

Flying With Eagles

Tomorrow is another birthday. For Goose. He has had 31 so far and tomorrow marks 32.

This year has brought many, many, MANY changes for my son. He is a daddy now. He loves it. It's so fun to watch him embrace daddy-hood.

Goose is no longer with the Hotshots. He decided that being gone the entire Summer is not what he had in mind for his family. He was offered a job that ensured he would be home every night. He accepted. Goose is over quite a few fire agencies now and will make sure fires are fought and battles won.

I think his decision shared excitement and anticipation with sadness. As "the season" approaches I think he feels relief at not leaving his family, but yet is saddened to not be with his "brother-family". I get it. However, I'm SUPER excited to have him home to enjoy birthdays, family barbecues and hot tubbing.

It's funny how you break routine without thinking about it. In hindsight, it was the best thing ever. But why? Interesting.

I needed a bath. I learned a long time ago that if I check voicemail or email that "POOF" - my day is gone before I know it. Therefore, anything I needed for myself came first NO MATTER WHAT.

Except THAT day.

I was getting ready to run a tub. Jaden was a little guy and still in bed.

I checked my messages.

"This is Officer so-and-so. Your son has been in an accident. You need to call the hospital."

What? Did I hear that right?

I knew it would be faster to drive to the hospital.

Josh was living with us. I yelled down the stairs that one of the boys was hurt. I was heading to the hospital. "You've got Jaden."

I didn't even wait for an answer.

I got in the jeep and took off.

I SWEAR TO YOU that was the loooooongest drive in FOREVER.

In reality it was MAYBE five minutes.

Was Tyson in a wreck on his way to work? What had happened to him?

I got to the hospital.

"My son is here. I need to get to him."

"What's his name?"

"I don't know."

The nurse looked at me quizzically.

"Last name is Deason, but I don't know for sure if it's Tyson or Kadell."

The nurse led me to a room with Goose sitting in a bed.

"Goose." I whispered.

They were wheeling out an X-ray machine and I heard the doctor say "Nothing is broke."

It's funny how unimportant things bear witness to what is REALLY happening.

Goose had his hand on towels. ALOT of towels.

I said to him "At least nothing is broke."

I had no idea what had happened. Why was he there? He looked fine. Why was he there? Why did a cop call me? Why was he there? Why was he NOT in X-ray? Why did they wheel in a machine? Why was he there?

Then my little boy lifted his hand off the towels. His flesh hung down. I could see his bones, tendons and all the gunk that make up a hand.

I reeled out of the room and sat on the floor outside of his door - head between my knees - fighting nausea and the blackness creeping. I heard Goose say loudly "DO NOT CRY MOM."

I didn't.

I stood up. Brushed my butt and headed back in.

Long story short? While employed at Powder River making livestock fencing, Goose had rolled his arm in the machine that bends metal. It popped his hand. I knew beyond any belief that we were going to lose his hand.

After transferring to a different hospital and sitting FOREVER in the ER watching nurses come in to drug him and wash his wounds, the surgeon came in. He did a few tests and announced "I can save his hand."

I couldn't believe it. Guess what? After multiple surgeries and a very long hospital stay, he SAVED HIS HAND.

Through all of that trauma, Goose kept a cool head and a steady soul. He kept ME calm while he suffered and bled.

In 1987, Sammy Hagar released the song "Eagles Fly". First of all, I love, love, LOVE Sammy. Second of all, this song has ALWAYS reminded me of Goose. Always.

Sunday morning 9 a.m.
I saw fire in the sky
I felt my heart pound in my chest
I heard an eagle cry
Now I'm alive I can breathe the air
I watch an eagle rise above the trees
Project myself into what he sees
Take me away
Come on fly away
Take me up so high
Where eagles fly
I often dream I sail through the sky
I've always wished I could fly
The simple life of a bird on the wing
Oh Lord, I could sing
I'm alive, I breathe the air
Wash the earth from my face
I catch a glimpse of another dream
I turn, I look but there's no trace

Come on, let's fly away where eagles fly.

Goose will soar through 32. He will keep steady and will surely win this race called Life. If you haven't had a chance to soar among the Eagles, meet my guy. I get to do it EVERY single day.

Happy birthday, my son. I'm so very proud of you.

You're Gonna Live Forever

In October of 1977, John Mayer entered our world. In November of 2016, he released the album The Search For Everything. One of the songs on that album is named You're Gonna Live Forever In Me. On Friday, March  22 at  9:30 a.m. that is the song I heard while heading to a memorial for my dear friend Beckie.

...And you're gonna live forever in me
I guarantee, it's your destiny

Mark drove me to Orem to see my dear friend for the last time.

It was a small service held at a church. Five of her kids stood and shared a few stories. First thought I had was "I can't believe how much I learned from her on this mommy stuff". I found that the stories could have each been told by MY kids. This made me smile.

Then, I reflected how a lifetime, HER lifetime, could be summed up in a few short sentences.

I miss my Beckie. Let me make sure you understand - I MISS MY BECKIE.

Beckie believed in me. She celebrated the good and mourned the bad. When hurricanes struck while I lived in Virginia, it was Beckie who called to check on me.

Beckie could sew. I mean that lady could sew. She knew her fabric and how to handle each.

Many, many, MANY times I enlisted her expertise to sew what I needed. When I was pregnant with Tanna, I became pretty desperate for maternity clothes to cover my expanding belly. I asked Beck to make me some cute overalls.

Before long, the mailman brought a slip stating that I had a package at the Post Office. I was so excited. I got the kids ready and walked to the Post Office in Ojai. I was clutching that slip.

The Post Office was by a park. I handed over the sweaty, wrinkled sheet; grabbed the package; thanked the postal worker; gathered the kids and went to the park. I held the package, return address from Beckie, unopened.

While the kids played, I sat in the warm grass and opened my handmade maternity clothes. I was super excited. Imagine my surprise when the clothes weren't there. In their place was the cutest fabric bear with matching basket, a wall quilt and a VERY silky, long black nighty. I was stunned.

"I just wanted to do something special for you."

Those were the words I heard when I called my friend to thank her.

Beckie was not gifted with an easy life. It seems she learned struggle and sadness and loneliness and grief at an early age. I'm not sure that she ever knew how wonderful she truly was. She was, you know. Wonderful.

She developed dementia. However, she kept her humor and, at times, I still bore witness to the twinkle in her eyes and the lightness in her step.

When her oldest boy, André, messaged to let me know that Beckie was not in a good place and we were probably going to lose her, I hit my knees.

Afterglow was released by Sarah McLachian in 2003. The song Answer plays from my iPod. Man, I love this song.

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you can't look down
If it takes my whole life I won't break I won't bend
It'll all be worth it worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright.

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

From that moment, this song has played over and over in my mind. Let's be honest, it still plays for me.

I miss my Beckie. I miss the long talks. I miss her smile. Her laughter. Her humor.

I miss the light in her eyes.

I long for her hugs.

She offered sturdy, unfailing friendship. She changed my life.

What I would give to have my friend whole; to hold her hand one more minute. I would whisper "It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end."

Beckie, I hope, NO I PRAY with all my might, that you were cast gently into morning, for I know your night was unkind.

Rebecca (Eldridge) Hoyt

July 03, 1957 - March 19, 2019