The wolf you feed

I previously mentioned that our friend, Christian, was in a terrible car accident on Shelby's birthday. Christians mother does periodic updates on facebook to keep the masses informed of the progress of our dear friend. A few weeks ago Shelby had to do a short speech for her Public Speaking class at UVU. She went back to the posts on the Believe in CT facebook page to find the following story:

Upon today’s 5th floor departure, one of our favorite nurses, who knew of Christian’s obsession with wolves, shared the following Cherokee story about two wolves. It offers a message to consider.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil—he is fear, sorrow, anger, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good—he is hope, joy, peace, love, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you—and inside every person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I heard her upstairs practicing over and over to Daulton to make sure she had it just right. Of course Shelby ROCKED the presentation. Because I could hear the story over and over, it hasn't left my mind, so I thought I would write about it.

While my brain was processing the story and my available time was trying to find an opening, my friend, Laurie, called me in tears.

Laurie had eye surgery a few weeks ago and is having trouble seeing right now. She is angry and frustrated. It's complicated (as if not being able to see isn't enough) this all comes after quite a few years of not being able to drive due to the fact that her little body has been racked with seizures. We went to Boston and she was able to see the LEADING AUTHORITY on her types of seizures and, guess what? No more seizures for my dear friend. 

I can count on one hand how many times Laurie has called me in tears directed at her frustrations with her physical health. Oh, she has cried about husbands and daughters and pets and anger mixed with confusion over the selfishness of others, but rarely does she have a pity party.

I wouldn't really call it a pity party, I guess. It's well deserved. Did I mention that she has Marfan's? For those that have no idea what that is (I was one of those) Pub Med Health states that:

Marfan syndrome is a disorder of connective tissue, the tissue that strengthens the body's structures.

In a short, not so medical synopsis, the arteries that lead to her heart have problems, her eyes have problems. She explained to to me once that all of her arteries and vessels are like rubber bands.  As they work and are used, they become stretched and can easily burst.

So Laurie is frustrated. And angry. She works very hard to be independent and the fact that she has to ask for everything she needs is driving her crazy.

I related this story to her.

It's always interesting to me to have to step out of my own crap for a minute and focus of the needs of somebody else. This was one of those moments. I stepped out of my box and took a look at what I am guilty of. What wolf have I been feeding?

I made a vow that morning that I would quit allowing evil into my life and feeding the insecurities that plague me. That wolf can wither and die. I choose the good fight. The good wolf. 

My Website

I did it! I did it! I did it!

www.graphicsontheflipside.com

I have worked and studied and questioned and rented books and searched websites and researched and got mad and cried. But it's done.

By NO MEANS am I a master at web design, but my foot is now officially in the door.

I'm moving on to another site for my pictures and one more for Mark's new bike shop. Oh boy. Wish me luck.

Welcome Home

I think I have established that for Christmas I design sweatshirts for the family and then create a movie to refresh our memories of the past year. This year was no different.

Somewhere along the design road I have developed a "theme" to follow while creating the movie and the sweatshirts. I usually have a reason for my thinking and this year was no different.

It goes as follows:

My family is growing and changing and moving on. I have worked really, really, REALLY hard to always provide them a safe place to land. I WANT them to want to be home. I want their friends to ALWAYS be able to walk in and feel like they are home. And the desire continues on. Now I have the desire to make sure my extended grandkids as well as my own grandbabies know that when they need love, comfort, security, a warm meal, or bubblegum that they find themselves on my doorstep.

That was the driving force behind Christmas this year. Home. We have a good one.

Enjoy...

Our Sweatshirts:

Right Sleeve:

The Evil Among Us

I'm watching the news. I've been sitting here all day. I'm stunned that another human being could walk into a school, a theater, a mall and aim a gun at the innocent.

I'm disgusted that we do this to ourselves. It's not rocket science. Be nice to those you meet. Don't judge. Don't bully. Don't retaliate when you are hurt.  Remember the most important commandment?

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. [Matthew 7:12]  

Maybe we all need to take a look at our moral compass and see what we stand for. According to Wikipedia, Malcolm X is the guy to say, "Stand for something or you will fall for anything."

Steel yourself to stand for good.

These are the best of times...and the worst of times.

Periodically I return to my blog and read my thoughts. Is that weird? Hmmm. I don't know if it is or not, but I do it and I will most likely continue to do so.

Some of my stuff is VERY dramatic. A couple of weeks ago a girl that reads Shelby's blog put her up for the Liebster Award. It's some award that is for bloggers that are just starting out in the blogging craze. It helps to get their name out there and let others see their stuff. Pretty cool, I think.

Anyhow, while looking into the award, I Googled "Liebster Award" and came across quite a few blogs that had been nominated. I read a few that were light and silly and fun and clever and humorous. Mine isn't really like that. I  don't know if that is good or bad. To be honest, I was a bit dismayed. I have this vision of myself as a 60's child. You know, light, airy, easy, free. After re-reading my thoughts I think my vision may be a bit skewed. Sigh.

Once again, I'll write about what is going on. It feels heavy. So much for light and airy.

I went to a funeral again this week. I should have attended another funeral. I intended to attend it, but I got hit by a flu bug this week and I spent yesterday snorting and sniffing snot instead of giving support to my friend, Brit. 

Shelby has a group of boys that are her friends. True to form, if my kids call them friend, I call them friend. So the correct statement would be that I have a friend named Charlie who buried his mother this week. It was awful. Charlie is Shelby's age and I couldn't help but think about my kids and how difficult and sad it would be to leave them. My heart literally HURTS for Charlie and his family. I have lost sleep worrying about them. Awful. Awful. Awful.

I was at the funeral (which was BEAUTIFUL). We sat near the back and I could hear the conversation between the two couples sitting behind us. They were friends that hadn't seen each other in a while. They were catching up on "how the kids were", "how they were growing", "how much time had passed". They laughed and joked and joshed with each other. It was quite entertaining. What gave me pause was when they were talking about "the only time we see anybody is at funerals." They talked about this for a bit. I didn't turn around to see them, but you could hear the sadness in their voices.

I contemplate on this "time" of my life. I love many, many, many parts of my life. I love being a Grandma. I love seeing my kids as grown-ups. I love that they are successful, kind, giving individuals that contribute to those surrounding them. I love adding members to my family. I didn't know we were missing anybody in our family, until Diana and Daulton rolled around and all I could think was "Oh, THERE you are. We were missing you." Every addition makes my family more and more and more and more complete. I love that I don't try to please people anymore. At times, I embarrass my kids (namely Shelby), but I don't have ANY tolerance for mean people, lazy people or bullies. And now I'm not afraid to say it out loud. I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

Yet, I'm afraid of losing my parents. I'm afraid of losing the Aunts and Uncles that were so crucial in forming and molding me into a somewhat decent human being. It saddens me that I don't have Grandparents around to see that I'm okay and to check in at times with my kids to tell them the stories that I used to hear.

My Aunt Sue was diagnosed yesterday with Breast Cancer. Yes, in case the name rings a bell, it's the Aunt Sue that just buried her daughter to Cancer. It's so scary. They caught it really early and I believe, hope and pray that all go well for her, but that's a horrible word to hear and I know she is afraid.

Makes me crazy with worry and fear and anger and sadness. 

I know I can't focus on the bad. I can't fear my future. Right now, I'll process this last week. I'll stop the pity party because it's not about me and I'll offer my love and support to the people who are REALLY going through this. 

Winnie the Pooh said:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 

I'm a really, really, REALLY lucky girl.

Standing on Shoulders

The other day Mark and I had to go pick up a motorcycle from a guy that needed help getting his bike to our shop. We ventured to Orem and met him in the parking lot of WalMart and followed him to his house. We drove right by the house that my friend Becky Hoyt used to own.

A rush of memories flooded my thoughts. I always say that Becky was my Young Womens Advisor when I was young. But, technically, she wasn't. She was the Advisor to the group of girls younger than myself. Something clicked between the two of us. I liked her. She was funny. She was beautiful. She was a great mom. She was compassionate, caring and an all-around-pretty-great-gal. I met her and liked her, but I didn't know the true test of her character that I would witness that would weld our friendship together.

I was 16 and (keeping the story short) I ran away from home. I don't care to explain my actions. Suffice it to say that it was necessary for me to leave and I have ABSOLUTELY NO regrets. None.

Let me tell you, when you step outside of the box and do something that doesn't fit into regular Society, you find out REAL QUICK who your friends are. I'll just politely say that when I came home, many, MANY people had plenty to say to me and if they COMPLETELY lacked character, they would just say it behind my back. Whatever.

As I mentioned, Becky was in a leadership position in the church I attended. She heard the talk. She attended meetings and listened what the other leaders and the girls were saying. Becky made a stand. She climbed right over that wall that others had built up and she stood right beside me.

Years have passed, but my love for Becky has never dwindled. I have many, many stories tucked away in my heart. I think of the time, energy, financial help and friendship she has given me and wonder how my life would have turned out without her in it.

Becky used to take me for drives. She grew up here in the Provo area and she would drive me to her old neighborhoods and tell me stories. Her "stories" always had a lesson. Sometimes they were lessons on forgiveness, sometimes just about life in general i.e.,  motherhood, marriage, church, friendship. She became an integral cog in the wheel of Linnette-adulthood.

I went to her when I was lonely. I went to her when I was happy. She taught me to tole paint. I ironed while she sewed. Our kids played together. Our kids fought together. I love her dearly and am blessed to know her.

Becky might be one in a million. I'm pretty sure she is. What's really, really cool about my story, is that I won the jackpot when it comes to friendship and love.

Becky is the foundation of this story, but she isn't the only story I have. Maybe as my blogging continues, more stories will come out.

Isaac Newton said:

"If I have seen further than others; it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants."

I am surrounded by giants. I have been lifted upon their shoulders when I couldn't see my way. I have never been able to repay these gifts of love. I just pay forward. And maybe, someday, I'll be the Becky Hoyt in somebody else's life.

Divided We Fall

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

If you were to write a list of words to describe me, the first word that comes to mind wouldn't be "patriotic". The list would be composed of words like "crazy", "goofy", "clumsy" and then somewhere down the list you would find patriotic.

Don't get me wrong - I do love this country in which I live. I love the Fourth of July. I love the flag. I cry at EVERY patriotic assembly my kids have done at Franklin Elementary. I am humbled at what our forefathers (and Mothers) had to endure in order to gain freedoms that they could only dream about and in which we now so selfishly take for granted. I was driving the other day and one of the radio stations began their morning with some students from one of our local schools reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Brought tears to my eyes. Some of my favorite songs of all time are patriotic songs AND (I design for a living) I think red, white and blue go really swell together.

I think about the pledge. Years ago there was a HUGE controversy over "one Nation under God".  Yet, most of the time, I wonder if REAL controversy is the misunderstanding of the word "allegiance". I looked up the exact meaning of the word in my handy dandy pocket size Webster Dictionary. (Yes, I'm old and at times still look into BOOKS for answers.)

It is defined as:

2  : devotion or loyalty to a person, group, or cause

A little history lesson here from ushistory.org:

On June 14, 1777, the Continental Congress, seeking to promote national pride and unity, adopted the national flag. "Resolved: that the flag of the United States be thirteen stripes, alternate red and white; that the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new constellation."

Our country that I LOVE is falling apart. I watch the election process and follow the results and am disgusted at the dissension that immediately follows. I am not necessarily pro-Obama.  So don't think I've got my panties in a ruffle and am telling you he is the-most-wonderful-President-that-we-have-ever-had. I just want to say that he is THE President of MY country. He is the President of YOUR country.

From the time we are very young, we recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Every professional ball game begins with the National Anthem. Attendees and Players all stand with their hands over their hearts and mouth the words:

O say can you see by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there; O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

I think that at times we forget what we were taught the very first day of kindergarten. Allegiance. I pledged at a very young age that I would hold true to my country. I plan to do just that. My flag DOES fly over the land of the free and the home of the brave.