Shelby's Song

Shelby turns 24 today. How lucky am I to be able to say that? She brilliantly conquered 1,2,3,....(you get it) and she will be a marvelous 24. I'm sure of it.

I almost didn't get to witness Shelby turn 24. 

Mark and I divorced when I was expecting Shelby. I was wrought with distress. I already had three kids. How could I possibly take care of four? I was sad. So sad. I was depressed. I was lonely and broke and stressed and.... you get it. 

When Shelby was young, my aunt convinced me to go to college. My self esteem climbed and I was able to see the "old" Linnette in a different light. I took a creative writing course and so began my love for writing. I learned a long time ago that I needed to write what I know. And what I know is me. So that is what I write about.

For one of my term papers, I had to write an essay that would evoke emotion from the reader. After much contemplation, I chose a subject that was extremely difficult to share. It was so personal. I am human...filled with self doubt, wrong decisions, bad actions, pain, guilt. Yes. I have these thoughts, too.

I wrote and edited and edited and edited. I submitted a rough draft and my teacher was thrilled with my attempt. She wanted to publish my writing. However, remember self doubt was my friend? I would not give her permission to move forward.

The letter is fictional. It was suggested to me that I use this style to gain more emotion. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Veronica,

Thank you so much for inviting me to lunch. It has been so long since we have been able to sit and chat about the things going on in our lives. Isn't it amazing what can happen inside of a few years time?

I still remember us together as teens dreaming what our lives would be like. I guess neither one of us truly knew that each would be faced with the ultimate test of divorce.

I recall my divorce as if it were just yesterday. I have experienced every emotion you are challenged with. You are not going insane. The emotions you feel are a part of the process of learning and growing.

A long time ago I locked all these feelings away inside of my heart. I vowed to never release them again. Because of you, I am taking this opportunity to relate the story of my divorce. I realize that no single divorce is the same. However, many who have gone through this impossible situation have experienced many of the same things as I.

I remember talking with other women about divorce and thinking that they really couldn't relate to what I was experiencing. They could not have loved their husbands as much as I loved Mark. Their hurt could not have been as intense as my own pain.

On the flip-side, there were also those who have never gone through a failed marriage. Their support was appreciated, but seemed to fall on deaf ears. How could they possibly picture life as they know it abruptly ending and changing forever? As I listened to you share your saga, my mind began to drift to so many years ago when I was in the exact situation. Every word you said seemed to grip my heart like a vise. If I can buoy you up in any way by sharing my story, that is all I can ask for. The rest will come in time. Please listen with an open heart and mind.

I was pregnant with my fourth child. Life consisted of housework, diapers, bottles and band-aids. I viewed my marriage as something that needed remodeling – not realizing that the foundation had crumbled and at any given moment the walls would come crashing down. Nothing had prepared me for the words, "I want a divorce."

However, the words were spoken and the walls gave way. My world went spinning out of control. Instantly I was faced with issues of necessity. Where to live, how to live, and more important, why to live were constant companions in my mind. These children were depending upon me to get them through this physically, spiritually and emotionally. I had no time for tears of self-pity or loneliness. The only thing I could focus on was survival.

Can you see how much our stories already seem to intertwine? You refused to show anger or pain yesterday. But, I could see it in your eyes. I remember! The only side I would show to the outside world was strength. I would not tell anyone how many hours I spent screaming into my pillow. How could I tell how often I beat the walls, my bed or my couch until I was overcome with exhaustion. Then, there was the time I sat over three hours on the bathroom sink and wrote "I hate myself" over and over again in red lipstick on the mirror. There was tremendous pain involved.

Chaos was setting in. It was controlling each of our lives. The kids were miserable. I was miserable. I was still screaming into my pillow every night.

One morning, my rope snapped. I woke up and decided I had had enough. Self-pity had won. I decided I could not support the ones I already had. The guilt was too much to bear. I could not look into another set of questioning eyes and attempt to answer the very questions I was asking myself.

I placed a call to an agency. I found out the process of giving my unborn child up for adoption. It hurt inside my heart, but I could only focus on the better life I was giving to one of my children.

I worked my fill shift in a daze that evening. I kept trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. Wasn't this a true act of love? My sacrifice would bring peace to this baby growing inside of me.

As fate would have it, I went into labor that night and the next morning at 8:35, Shelby entered this world. What a miracle! As she was placed on my belly, still fresh with childbirth, a revelation came to me. It was my own personal revelation that I was meant to raise this baby. For the first time in my entire life, I felt complete.

As I have heard other women tell their stories of divorce, it seems to me that there is a specific turning point for each of them. I thought this was mine. Was I in for a surprise!

In the past, I had time to treasure the joy of bringing a precious spirit into the world. I spent hours rocking my babies while crooning my self-made lullabies.

With Shelby, it seemed I had no time to relax and just hold my baby. I couldn't quit wondering when I would be able to go back to work. I couldn't afford to miss a single day. My paychecks were barely enough to survive on as it was. I had no option. Three days after Shelby was born, I went back to work. Oh! How I envied the mothers who were able to at least take maternity leave.

I was exhausted. I did not want to be working. I wanted to stay home forever and simply be Mom. I dreamed of another life so long ago spent as a family with a Daddy. It was so unfair!

Post-partum depression set in and with it came an entire year of bottled up despair. I cried and cried. Just when I thought I was in control, I cried some more. I was angry. Very angry. I was scared, lonely and in need of releasing these feelings.

When I cried, the kids cried. We held each other many nights and sobbed ourselves to sleep. Many hours were spent with each child helping to release pent-up feelings.

We learned it was okay to cry. It was okay to be angry. It wasn't okay to bottle up all the emotions that come with a loss and pretend they would go away. Therefore, the kids and I talked about everything we felt when we felt it. If laundry didn't get finished, that was okay. Housework would be there tomorrow. We were healing.

I began to revise my life of values and priorities. My family consisted of individuals. Somehow, I needed to make us whole. It was important to keep my job for financial security. Yet, I believed that family security was my primary concern. I concentrated on the kids and myself in full. I no longer brought the frustrations of a full-time job home with me. I began to separate my two identities. 

My healing began. I had a stronger foundation that would never falter again. I was still scared. I was still angry. I wasn't alone. I began to see this as a "together" kind of thing. Together we could accomplish anything.

How could I have ever known that I would be strong – that I would rebuild my shattered existence into a formidable fortress. I thank God for this opportunity to see my life with renewed eyesight.

So, my sweet friend, cry. Scream. Yell. Stomp your feet. Release everything inside of you, then pick up what is left inside and start over.

I will do it with you. Together we will rebuild your fortress. You are strong. I can see it. You are not going crazy. You are feeling everything experienced in the loss of a loved one. The only difference between death and divorce is you cannot see the one you love and run to his arms to be held forever. The ghost is forever there, yet is no longer yours.

You do not need to validate your existence according to this man. You have a purpose here upon this earth. Find that purpose and set your sights now.

I will close this now. I love you. You deserve to be happy. I will help in any way I can, but your happiness depends solely upon you. Life is meant to be lived. Live your pain now and get on with life.

The greatest thing I can give you is my unconditional support and love. The greatest gift you can give yourself and your children is a strong foundation that will forever stand the test of time.

I hope that sharing my story with you will somehow help you trudge through the steps ahead of you. If I had known then what I know now...

Linnette

Shelby saved my life. Does that sound dramatic? Maybe. However, it is true. As you can tell, I was pretty sad. In fact, suicide was considered every single day. I would drive to work and watch the trees and poles whizz by. I would begin doing the math on how fast I would need to go and at what angle I needed to hit a standing object in order to kill myself. The kids were at a day care with a wonderful "other mother" Diane. She loved the kids. They loved her. They would be okay. However, I was pregnant and I couldn't murder my child. That alone, saved me.

After Shelby was born, she wouldn't eat. What little she did eat, her tiny body refused to process. She lost weight and was dying on me. She was diagnosed with Failure to Thrive. This innocent baby did not have the will to live. And it was my fault.

One evening after work (I was working Swing Shift when my kids were young) I drove straight to the hospital and held Shelby. While we rocked and sang I was overcome with the immense desire to verbalize how much I needed her, how important she was to our family and how much I loved her. Adored her. Treasured her.

And that's what I did. I talked and talked and talked to my sweet girl well into the night. I cried and begged her not to leave me. And she began to eat. And grow. And thrive.

An angel was given to me. And I'm a better person because of it.

When The World Stopped Turning.

I was standing in my kitchen trying to make sense of the fix-the-breakfast dishes and Mark-needs-a-lunch mess. Jaden was just over a year old and toddling around my feet when my phone rang. It was Mark. "Turn on the news. A plane just hit in the World Trade Center." "What?" I said. 'Ohmygosh. That's HORRIBLE." And I turned on the television in Goose's room.

I sat on the bed and watched in horror as ANOTHER plane hit the other tower.

I called Mark. Freaking out. I couldn't comprehend what was happening. I sat mesmerized by the news when the towers began to crumble. I don't think I could comprehend the horror that was developing before my eyes.

I watched with rapt attention to the interviews. The statistics. The pleas for help. The magnitude of fear and dread that filled the television screen enveloped me. And I wept.

I didn't turn my television off for three days. I watched endlessly as responders searched in vain for life. I cried at the still images of those left behind to mourn their loved ones. I prayed for those still searching and felt a sense of overwhelming dread at the "Help Find" posters hung throughout the city.

On day three, Denise called me. We were supposed to meet on some labels. We didn't meet. We sat in silence on the phone, neither wanting to break into the despair the other felt, until Denise finally said so lovingly to me "We can do this, Linnette. Our country is strong and good and proud."

I turned off the television and have not watched the news since.

I tire of the horror. It sickens me that our news is filled with death and pain and sadness. And I want no part of that emotion. Ever again.

Laurie called me. "I remember when I was in New York and toured the Trade Centers. I was in the gift shop and there was this cute little gal that helped me. Do you think she's okay?"

I loaded Jaden in his car seat and drove to the sell-a-flag-store not too far from here. I wanted a flag. I wanted to do "something" to show my support of our nation. I walked in. I must have carried the horror I felt because the sales clerk walked up to me and said "You are here for an American flag." Then this perfect stranger held me while we both cried.

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin' against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?
Did you burst out with pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin' what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?

Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watchin'
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love?

So I Do Nothing

I was a mother for as long as I can remember. I was made to be a mom. I looked forward to it and when I first found out that Tyson was on the way? Ecstatic doesn't even fit in the realm of how I felt. I was giddy with excitement.

The moment my kids were born, one of the first things that entered their little ears was the sound of me singing:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine 

You make me happy when skies are grey 

You'll never know dear, how much I love you 

Please don't take my sunshine away. 

As time marched forward, that song became a staple in the Deason household. I would sing it in the car while I held their hand. I rocked it when they were happy and would croon it when they were angry, hurt, sad, or tired. 

It worked out MOSTLY in my favor. However, Tyson decided he had had enough of my off-key-simple-minded vocals. He would reach up and press his toddler-fat finger to my lips and say "Shhhhhh Mommy". And I would shush. Reluctantly.

As I sang, I stroked their hair, rubbed their back, tickled their leg, massaged their hand and I would whisper a promise to never, ever, EVER allow anything to hurt them. I would do WHATEVER I needed to do to protect them. No questions. No worries. No doubt.

I have discovered that it was an arrogant promise.

Hurts came. Broken hearts happened. Friends died. 

And there were times that my kids forgot to stay on track with their inner compass.

I love to mow my lawn. I can't wait to get out in the sunshine. Barefoot. Hair in pony tail. Tank top. Shorts. The only make-up I wear is the pure joy on my face.

Some of my "deeper" thinking happens when I mow my lawn. As I wobble back and forth in perfect line behind my mower, I think. And think. And think. Sometimes I even think out loud. I contemplate my life. My marriage. My finances. My dogs. My kids. My family.

The other day when I was mowing my lawn, I thought about how I miss my "little" kids running around with reckless abandon. Laughing. Shouting. Happy.

And I thought about my promise to always do what is necessary to guarantee my family the complete, unadulterated happiness that they deserve.

And I realized that I can do nothing.

I am learning that happiness - PURE happiness - comes from within. Although the work can be difficult, draining, painful, and scary, the reward holds a sense of knowledge that there isn't an obstacle that can get in your way. I mean NOTHING. 

Sometimes it takes a miracle. But I KNOW that miracles can happen. I was blessed with five true miracles and I know the power of each.

So pull up your bootstraps, my darling children, and get working on your happiness. Set your compass in that direction and get out there and get 'er done. 

I'll believe in you. I'll hope for you. I'll cry for you. I'll celebrate for you. And I will love you. Endlessly.

Facebook Said So.

Yesterday Facebook blew up with back-to-school pics that everyone shared. Cute kids. All smiles. Super excited to head back to school. I smiled for my Facebook friends and then? Bawled like a baby for me.

I warned you that I hate the end of summer. Okay, let's face it. Hate isn't a strong enough word. I despise it. I want to yell at it. I want to punch it in the face. I want to kick and scream and swear and blubber at it until it yields to submission. Sigh. I say it all the time. No one listens to me. Therefore, summer ended and school began.

I dropped Jaden off to school and came home and cried. Inconsolably.

I know. I know. It's not such a big deal. It's good that he's growing up. I'm lucky that he is smart and handsome and rocks school. Whatever.

I want him home. I miss him when he's gone. I hate my empty house. I despise the silence.

There. It's said. And I meant every single word.

Yesterday afternoon I scrolled through my Facebook feed and someone had posted results from a test they had taken.  True confession. Every once in a while I take these tests. I don't "share" my test taking very often. I don't know why. But I don't.

This test would list my weaknesses. I was all geared up to answer a bunch of questions so Facebook would be able to get a clear picture of who I am. I sat in my recliner. Turned down the television so I could FOCUS on the enormity of the forthcoming questions and prepared myself to embark on the intense test at hand.

I clicked on the link. A little round circle chased it's tail for a few seconds and the test was done. What? No questions. No deep dark thoughts. No truth-be-told answers. Nothing.

I'm:
100% outspoken
95% impatient
94% overly emotional
79% too honest
38% confused (Facebook spelled it confussed. Ha! So much for intelligent testing.)

First of all, how in the crap does Facebook know so much about me?

I had to laugh at the "overly emotional" statement. Ya think? I'm ALWAYS being told how emotional I am. Maybe it's because I'm 79% too honest. I tell how I feel until I can tell that nobody really gives a crud how I feel. Then I blog about it.

So. School has started. I miss Jaden. I cry EVERY SINGLE YEAR on the first day of school. I'll probably bawl even when I don't have kids at home simply because I hold on to the fact that I hate the first day of school.

I hate the end of summer.

I'll miss ice cream nights.

I'll miss sitting on my porch swing.

I'll miss working in my yard.

I'll miss walking barefoot in warm, sunlit grass.

Name something about summer. I'll miss it.

Okay. Okay. I'm proud of each of my kids. I'm happy that they are growing into epic human beings. I love that we share movies and books and thoughts and opinions and dinners and gifts and lots and lots of love.

I adore being a grandma and that couldn't have happened without Tyson growing up and moving out. Right?

I love being a mother-in-law.

I love hot soup with fresh, homemade rolls.

I love cozy sweaters.

I love curling up with a fluffy quilt and reading.

I love watching the snow fall.

I hate. I love. I'm emotional. It's all true. Facebook said so.

Random Kindness

Let's face it. I'm not the get-excited-about-the-end-of-summer gal. Since Fall is looming, school begins soon, schedules must be adhered to, the cold is just around the corner and my house is about to echo with silence, I stay in bed extra long in the mornings. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I log onto Facebook and see what friends/family are up to and what excitement is going on. Today was a Facebook day.

I scrolled through postings this morning.  I read about a teacher in California who was in WalMart buying school supplies for her upcoming classroom. Notebooks. Crayons. Pencils. Things necessary in a classroom, but not supplied to our teachers who, more often than not, reach into their own pockets to purchase these items. A gentleman in the store offered to help this gal load her cart with the needed supplies and appeared again at the check out, offering to pay for the supplies for her class. Not only did he offer to pay for what was in the cart, he ran back to the school supply aisle and grabbed another box FULL of notebooks and more crayons.

Made me feel warm and fuzzy.

I kept scrolling.

I came across another post where a girl helped someone in need pay a light bill so the woman could get her lights turned back on.

Made me think of the help I have received over the years.

I kept scrolling.

I came across a picture of some beautiful flowers that a friend of mine received.

Made me smile.

I kept scrolling.

I saw a post from a girl thanking someone for saving her life. Literally.

Made me think of the angels among us.

I stopped scrolling and began thinking.

I thought about all the acts of kindness that had been shared. I thought that at times we don't REALLY live in a selfish and ugly world. I thought that I'm grateful to have friends that share the good in their lives. I thought about how I could contribute positively today. I thought about my most favorite quote. Of all time.

I Can.

I've worked very hard to maintain a brave face in my every day activities. I used to stagger from bed and begin my day feeling like I was walking in a pool of water. I struggled through each step. However, I felt that I conquered brilliantly. I arrogantly thought "I got this. No big deal." I would flippantly say "I'm grateful that I don't have to take a bunch of medication." or "I'm lucky there isn't a bunch of treatments that I need to endure."

Wrong.

I WISH that the doctor would have said "Oh! This is NO BIG DEAL. Here is a prescription for a medicine with no side effects that will kick this in no time." Ugh. She didn't say that. I didn't hear those words. Nope. Didn't happen.

Lately, I describe my every day life as RUNNING through water. All day. Every day. I go to bed exhausted. I wake up tired. Things that used to be NO BIG DEAL now require tremendous effort and - let's face it - tremendous skill to accomplish.

I was at the library today. I was walking toward a computer to renew some books that I haven't finished when - don't ask me why - I decided that I wanted to use a different computer. I changed directions to head across the room. HUGE mistake. Somehow my legs got tangled. My arms started flailing and flapping in an attempt to steady my tipping body.

No go.

I fell. Hard.

Humiliation holds no boundaries when you screech, fall, and then BOUNCE along cement floors. Do I need to add that once my falling is complete - in all it's glory - it's an incredible sight to see me attempt to stand up again? To say that it is difficult for me to get on my feet is an understatement. I begin to roly-poly around to gain enough momentum to get on my hands and knees. I stick my hine-y straight up in the air and, with my arms straight out in front of me to counter-balance my bottom-heavy-so-modestly-elegant lower-half and I SLOWLY stand. I'm telling you, this takes so much effort, I secretly wish to hear whistles and cheers of admiration so I can holler TA-DA while bowing graciously

Instead, I gather every ounce of dignity I can muster (which, believe me, isn't much) and make my red-faced-humiliation-filled exit as quickly as my wobbly legs can move.

Crap.

So I've been on a pity-me-bull-dozer-train that doesn't seem to ever stop changing indignities. I conquer one problem just in time to face another complexity.

Then phone calls began.

My friend, Annette, buried her beloved father. And then lost her oh-so-young-neighbor too quickly to cancer.

My cousin who is a mere 28 lost her husband of 4 years leaving behind a very young widow and daughter.

My oh-my-gosh-I-love-her-SO-much friend, Sunnie, is dealing AS WE SPEAK with the passing of her husband.

My beautiful-wonderfully-fabulous friend, Debbie, and her family just buried a brother, son, husband, father.

And I'm grateful to slog through my running-through-the-pool days.

I'm grateful that I was able to go to the library today.

I'm grateful to feel humiliation course through my body.

I'm grateful to be writing. And singing (off key). And dancing (even if it's in my mind). And cleaning my toilets. And feeding my dogs that bowl me over in their rush to be fed because they must be STARVING. And watering my yard. And sitting at the pool with my girls. And reading a book. And watching a movie. And making sun tea for my guy. And wobbling. And falling. And slurring my words. And not taking medicine to fix ANY of this.

I'll embrace it all and simply be grateful that I CAN.

I Might Need More Coffee Cake

Yesterday was my anniversary. One of them. Mark and I married on June 15, 1983. Later we divorced. A few years after that we married again. In Montana. On stage. In a bar. By a member of the band where Mark was a guitarist.

I think that we are the ONLY couple in the entire universe that fight over the date of our marriage. We were married right before the countdown to the New Year. You know - five...four...three...two...ONE...HAPPY NEW YEAR! Cheers. Whistles. A big kiss from my new husband and the band plays "Should auld acquaintance be forgot..."

Mark says that it was technically New Years Day and therefore our anniversary is January first.

We were married in Butte and (at the time) they registered our marriage license in a HUGE leather-bound book and promised to send us a hard copy. Alas, no mail was received from Butte, Montana and I have NO official record of the date that we were wed.

So we celebrate at midnight and - POOF - it's over.

During the divorce, I HATED June 15. I cried. I pouted. I felt oh-so-sorry for myself. On June 15, 2000, Jaden entered our world and healed my thoughts. I now ADORE June 15th again and at times we celebrate our long-ago-anniversary as well as the birth of my youngest.

Last week Mark and I took off on the motorcycle. I have longed to see the Grand Canyon and set my sights on visiting this year. Mark and I talked about riding to the Grand Canyon and he always filled in the what-else-should-we-do-on-our-get-away with visiting Tombstone. In my brilliant, compass-lacking, mind I thought the two were close together. Guess what? They aren't. Not even close. However, since I thought it was a given that we tour both, that's what we planned. And executed. Brilliantly.

Before we left on our big adventure, Mark, Goose, Daulton, Uncle Ron and I loaded up on the motorcycles and rode up Provo Canyon. I love the motorcycle. I love the wind in my face and the sun on my shoulders. Except my legs didn't want to cooperate and I struggled getting onto the bike and struggled stepping down from the bike. I mean struggled.

I began to worry about our trip. I worried that I couldn't handle the ride and that I would wimp out and disappoint Mark TREMENDOUSLY and end up detouring our trip and spending the duration of our vacation a few miles out of town in Nephi.

Little did I know? Mark was worrying as well.

I have been a huge believer that the only way to truly love someone is to serve them. Sometimes service comes in the form of simply being the listening ear when life provides hiccups. Sometimes it's financial aid. Dinner. A get-away-drive. If you have it. You share it. If it's not good enough for the people you are loving? It's on them.

This trip love was given to me in the most unusual form.

Mark and I developed a system to get me on and off the bike. I stood on solid ground beside the motorcycle. I held my right leg as high as I possibly could, which - let's be honest - was only a few inches. Mark would then grab hold of the bottom of my foot and throw my leg over the seat. I would scoot and slide my leg across until my foot would land on the riders foot peg. Then the wiggling and shifting began. I wiggled and scooted and maneuvered my way onto the seat. Whew! Mark would VERY EASILY (show off) swing his leg across the seat and we would ride off. When we came to a stop, the entire sequence was repeated in opposite form.

My ABSOLUTELY FAVORITE thing that Mark does while we ride is reach behind and tap my leg. It's his was of showing that he likes me tagging along and wants me to know it. We were gone for a week. 2,062 miles. I got tapped often.

Along with the getting-on-the-bike system, we had to come up with a plan to help me don my biker gear. Our new routine was developing. I can't zip my chaps. No more. Nuh-uh. Can't do it. Doesn't help that when I bought my chaps many, many, MANY pounds ago, the fitter-guy put me in XXS chaps.

To manipulate the zippers that run down each leg, Mark (no lie) had to use PLIERS. He huffed and puffed and swore and laughed as he attempted to close up my chaps.

While visiting the Grand Canyon, we hit a snack shack. Hungry is not a strong enough word for how I felt. Keep in mind that there is NO snack food if you are on a motorcycle road trip. Chocolate melts. Chips disintegrate to the texture of sand. Everything makes you thirsty and there is not a convenient spot to keep any sort of food. So we hit the snack shack where our choices were pre-made sandwiches, cold burritos (they did have a microwave) canned/bottled soda, muffins and coffee cake.

I HATE mayo so the sandwiches were a NOT EVER for me. Mark grabbed me a chicken/green chili/oh-so-wonderful burrito and a can of Pepsi. While waiting in line, I began eyeballing the coffee cake. Laced with cinnamon, the sweet cake became more and more appealing to me and as the line shortened, I stated "Yeah. I want coffee cake." Mmmmmmmmmmmm. It was so, so, so, SO good.

After dining on our to-go food, we wandered the area in search of the perfect shirt that would scream that I had visited the Grand Canyon. We couldn't find what I wanted, so I made Mark move to a different area. We found the PERFECT shirt, a magnet for my fridge and reluctantly decided it was time to get on the road.

We were parked in a busy-to-and-fro lot when it hit me. Crap. I need my chaps on. I easily buckled the waistband and waited patiently while Mark attempted to zip the legs. No go. He had to get into the pouch where the repair tools were kept and retrieve the handy-dandy-let-'er-rip-pliers, grab hold of my zipper and pull MIGHTILY.

I began to laugh hysterically. I'm sure we were a sight. I KNOW people were watching and wondering what the crud he was doing. I said "I think I might need more coffee cake." Mark had been huffing and puffing. His face was red and I swear to you - sweat was dripping from his brow. He blew the air out of his lungs and began heaving with laughter.

That was the moment that I realized the extent of the love my husband has for me.

Yep. I'm a lucky girl. Because of this man.