Unbroken

I have spent more time than I should this week thinking about broken-ness. I usually say "Everyone has a story." Each has tales of death, destruction, hope, fear, love, winning, loss, pain, grief, happiness...you get the picture. 

One of my favorite movies is We Are Marshall. Based on a true story, IMBd says;

 "On November 14, 1970, Marshall University's football team, its coaching staff, and many fans were killed when the airplane they were traveling on crashed on the outskirts of their hometown of Huntington, West Virginia. Virtually everyone in the community is in mourning and university president Don Dedman is torn when one of the players who did not travel with the team due to an injury pushes to have the team reinstated. Dedman eventually agrees and they hire Jack Lengyel as the new head coach. Building a team from scratch is a daunting exercise requiring many in the community to examine their values."

It is said by Kate Mara (a fiancee of a player that died):

"The sun rose and set, but the shadows remained. When once there was sound, now there was silence. What once was whole, now was shattered."

Our resilience can be astounding. With every fall, we rise. Covered in blood, sweat, and tears - we rise. We gather unimagined strength and rise.

My thoughts turn like the Tasmanian Devil on the Looney Tunes cartoon. And...and..and... I will spare you my lawnmower thoughts.

Everyone has a story. That much is true. We each share a story of courage, strength, even intelligence. That's OUR glory. We rose. Sometimes again and again. But rise we did.

Be proud of yourself. Feel accomplished. Feel strong. 

Jack Lengyel said to his players:

"How you play today, from this moment on, is how you will be remembered. This is your opportunity. To rise from these ashes and grab glory."

Grab it. It's yours. You earned it.

Peter Rothas penned in The Author's Endnote of the book A Slow Regard Of Silent Things:

"I cannot help but wonder how many of us walk through our lives, day after day, feeling slightly broken and alone, surrounded all the time by others who feel exactly the same way.

 

I am one of you. You are not alone. You are all beautiful to me."

Yep. Everyone has a story. Choose your ending. I choose strength, although I feel weak. Courage, although I feel insecure. Resilience, although I feel like I might crumble. And hope though, at times, I feel hopeless. 

I choose lots of hope.

My Joshua Tree

Super Bowl is this Sunday. I absolute-without-a-doubt love the game, gathering, food, and fun. My birthday is on the 2nd of February and I ALWAYS pretend the party is for me. 

One of my "kids" and Tyson's bestie is Josh Holms. He resides in Wyoming and makes it down every year for our shin-dig.

Josh isn't big on hugs, yet, since I am a HUGE hugger he reluctantly gives in to my demands. Don't get me wrong. It is NOT how you visualize a hug. It's more of a grab, turn your head, QUICKLY move forward, release kind.

At least I get one. AND it makes me VERY happy.

Josh and his sister Jenna have not had the easiest of lives. We have laughed with him. Cried with him. Mourned with him. Celebrated with him. And never, ever, EVER stopped believing in him. I used to worry about that kid. Not so much anymore. He is now DOCTOR Holms and is a professor at a University in Wyoming. I am VERY proud of him.

I have thought and thought and thought what to say about this boy. We are lucky to have him in our lives. I love him. I respect him. I honor him. I cherish him. I know every member of my family feels this way. I know his sister and her cute family feel exactly the same.

Maybe, just maybe, we are in charge. Fate doesn't reign. I think - no I KNOW - strength, power, kindness, fortitude, honor, intelligence, perseverance - everything positive - lies within. WE are the master of our destiny. Josh taught me that.

According to the .gov site of the National Park Service the Joshua Tree is:

"an important part of the Mojave Desert ecosystem, providing habitat for numerous birds, mammals, insects, and lizards. Joshua tree forests tell a story of survival, resilience, and beauty borne through perseverance. They are the silhouette that reminds those of us who live here that we are home."

Meet MY Joshua Tree.

 

Perfectly imperfect.

One day Shelby said "You have got to see our problems too. Your kids are not perfect." Ummmmmm. Sorry Shelby, I beg to differ. I am fully aware that they cry and moan and fight and can be lazy and can not believe in themselves. Yeah. I get it. I see it. However, I choose to see the healthy, strong, loyal, smart, compassionate, giving, beautiful side of them at all times.

There is a "joke" in our family that Goose is the favorite child. Let's put that to rest. He is. 

Goose is the kindest soul I know. He loves each member of the family immensely (carrying that love to extended family and friends) and takes care that each knows to turn to him if anything is needed. His laughter is contagious. He is kind. And handsome. And loyal. And giving. And loving. Honest. True. Beyond all? Good.

Except Tyson is my favorite. He is the most giving person I know. He provides for everyone. And NEVER asks for anything in return. His sense of humor is intense. He is smarter than smart. Everyone knows that if help is needed, Tyson is the first to show as well as the last to leave - and doesn't stop in between. Best of all? He listens. And cares. And smiles. Is handsome. Loyal. Honest. True. Beyond all? Good.

Except, maybe, Tanna is my favorite. She is the strongest person I know. She cares for her family without boundaries. She helps without asking for herself. She sees light. And goodness. And laughs when she finds something funny. She cries when it's not. She is fearless. And beautiful. And kind. And loyal. And true. Beyond all? Good.

Shelby just might be my favorite. She is the most honest person I know. She constantly studies what is needed to improve herself and others around her. She genuinely wants the best for everyone and will teach any who will listen. She lights up a room simply with her presence. She is a force beyond description. She is fearless. Beautiful. Kind. Loyal. True. Beyond all? Good.

Jaden is my favorite. There I said it. It's a fact. Don't question me.

Jaden is the most loyal person I know. He fiercely defends the underdog. His smartness is unrivaled. He loves his family and when he hugs you? I swear it is a gift from heaven above. He is handsome. Kind. Loyal. True. Beyond all? Good. 

In 2010, Pink released her hit song "Perfect".

...Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing

You are perfect to me...

My family IS perfect. Agatha Christie said:

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crashes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.

I remember saying to one of my children that was doubting themselves "Just see yourself through my eyes."

Perhaps Tom Petty crooned it best in "Wildflowers":

You belong among the wildflowers. You belong in a boat out to sea. You belong with your love on your arm. You belong somewhere you feel free. 

 

New Year. New ME.

2020 brought triumph, tragedy, sickness, health, quarantine, gatherings, funerals, births, happiness, tears, joy, pain, motorcycle rides, and loneliness. I watched television this last month more than I have in my entire life. I cried. I smiled and I laughed. I set goals. Some I kept. Some not so much.

I hear people saying they are excited to give the year the boot. Sayonara. See ya. Bye-Bye. But maybe, just maybe, I'll miss some of it.

My family worried beyond worry that I would get COVID. Guess what? I did. My ENTIRE family was sick. I was very sick. I worried that I'd die. Then, I WANTED to die. I didn't die. I always tell my kids, "Quit being dramatic." SOMEONE needed to follow their own advice. I took my vitamins like a champ. I ate. I drank tons of water. My work was BEYOND patient with. It has been over a month. I'm not 100% yet, but I'm on my way and feel ever so much better.

Christmas came and went. My family was magical. I cherished my kids and shared the grand babies excitement. This year I designed shirts and placed the years pics in a movie to the song "Run" by Pink. 

Here's the bloody, bloody truth 
You will hurt and you will lose
I've got scars you won't believe
Wear them proudly on my sleeve
I hope you'll have the sense to know
That sadness comes and sadness goes
Love is hard and play life loud
It's the only thing to give a damn about
Take the best of what I've got
And then you know no matter what
Before you walk away
You know you can run
Run, run, run
Back to my arms, back to my arms
Run, run, run
Back to my arms
And they will hold you down

All year I have worried that my family truly doesn't realize how much I love them. Love is a strange word, isn't it? It's so small with a huge meaning. I love my family. I love them. I LOVE THEM. I do. So I movied, and designed and bought them each the board book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You" by Nancy Tillman. It's a beautiful book. EVERYONE should read it and feel that kind of love.

Spring was beautiful. The birds reappeared and sang to me. We have a bird feeder in our backyard. It's right by a tree. The birds fill the tree and eat to their pleasure. If I open the window above my desk, I can hear them chirping. One day, Mark and I were sitting in the hot tub. The bird food was out. 50 or more birds flew to the bush by the tub and stared at Mark until he finally got out and filled the feeder. 

Summer brought sunshine, sprinklers and motorcycle rides. Mark had put a wow-its-so-amazing motor in my bike. He COULD NOT wait to ride it. He gasped and grunted in HE-MAN style when he pulled it out of the garage. Honestly, I just rolled my eyes at him. 

I'm not a big Autumn fan. I do like the colors. I always say that "I hate Sunday because I despise Monday and I hate Fall because I despise Winter." This year, I decided to embrace each season and see the beauty and wonder of each. Fall brought warm days, cool nights, popcorn, movies, drives, and peace. Mark and I took a weekend and rented a cabin by Zion. He pushed me in my wheelchair on a path by the river. It was warm and sunny and beautiful.

One day we took off in the truck and he drove me up a canyon. We stopped by a creek. The sun warmed my shoulders, the scene was beautiful, the creek bubbled and gurgled and Mark read to me from the book we were reading at the time. I left refreshed and rejuvenated.

Winter has brought snow and the peaceful evenings in the silence of the snowfall. My world feels like a snow globe. I look out my window to see the flakes on the trees and grass. Instead of cursing and bemoaning misfortune, I see wonder and magic.

I keep a candle on my desk. "BEAUTIFUL GIRL, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS." I can. You can. We can. I keep it as a reminder to fight hard. Remember the good. And to ALWAYS know that I will win.

Welcome 2021. I hope the year brings peace, family and love beyond measure. This year has big steps to fill. Better get started.