New Year. New ME.

2020 brought triumph, tragedy, sickness, health, quarantine, gatherings, funerals, births, happiness, tears, joy, pain, motorcycle rides, and loneliness. I watched television this last month more than I have in my entire life. I cried. I smiled and I laughed. I set goals. Some I kept. Some not so much.

I hear people saying they are excited to give the year the boot. Sayonara. See ya. Bye-Bye. But maybe, just maybe, I'll miss some of it.

My family worried beyond worry that I would get COVID. Guess what? I did. My ENTIRE family was sick. I was very sick. I worried that I'd die. Then, I WANTED to die. I didn't die. I always tell my kids, "Quit being dramatic." SOMEONE needed to follow their own advice. I took my vitamins like a champ. I ate. I drank tons of water. My work was BEYOND patient with. It has been over a month. I'm not 100% yet, but I'm on my way and feel ever so much better.

Christmas came and went. My family was magical. I cherished my kids and shared the grand babies excitement. This year I designed shirts and placed the years pics in a movie to the song "Run" by Pink. 

Here's the bloody, bloody truth 
You will hurt and you will lose
I've got scars you won't believe
Wear them proudly on my sleeve
I hope you'll have the sense to know
That sadness comes and sadness goes
Love is hard and play life loud
It's the only thing to give a damn about
Take the best of what I've got
And then you know no matter what
Before you walk away
You know you can run
Run, run, run
Back to my arms, back to my arms
Run, run, run
Back to my arms
And they will hold you down

All year I have worried that my family truly doesn't realize how much I love them. Love is a strange word, isn't it? It's so small with a huge meaning. I love my family. I love them. I LOVE THEM. I do. So I movied, and designed and bought them each the board book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You" by Nancy Tillman. It's a beautiful book. EVERYONE should read it and feel that kind of love.

Spring was beautiful. The birds reappeared and sang to me. We have a bird feeder in our backyard. It's right by a tree. The birds fill the tree and eat to their pleasure. If I open the window above my desk, I can hear them chirping. One day, Mark and I were sitting in the hot tub. The bird food was out. 50 or more birds flew to the bush by the tub and stared at Mark until he finally got out and filled the feeder. 

Summer brought sunshine, sprinklers and motorcycle rides. Mark had put a wow-its-so-amazing motor in my bike. He COULD NOT wait to ride it. He gasped and grunted in HE-MAN style when he pulled it out of the garage. Honestly, I just rolled my eyes at him. 

I'm not a big Autumn fan. I do like the colors. I always say that "I hate Sunday because I despise Monday and I hate Fall because I despise Winter." This year, I decided to embrace each season and see the beauty and wonder of each. Fall brought warm days, cool nights, popcorn, movies, drives, and peace. Mark and I took a weekend and rented a cabin by Zion. He pushed me in my wheelchair on a path by the river. It was warm and sunny and beautiful.

One day we took off in the truck and he drove me up a canyon. We stopped by a creek. The sun warmed my shoulders, the scene was beautiful, the creek bubbled and gurgled and Mark read to me from the book we were reading at the time. I left refreshed and rejuvenated.

Winter has brought snow and the peaceful evenings in the silence of the snowfall. My world feels like a snow globe. I look out my window to see the flakes on the trees and grass. Instead of cursing and bemoaning misfortune, I see wonder and magic.

I keep a candle on my desk. "BEAUTIFUL GIRL, YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS." I can. You can. We can. I keep it as a reminder to fight hard. Remember the good. And to ALWAYS know that I will win.

Welcome 2021. I hope the year brings peace, family and love beyond measure. This year has big steps to fill. Better get started.

Well Done....

It's official. I need to change the name of my blog. Something about doom, destruction, death. Any ideas?
August began wrapped in sadness. Donald Shomaker passed. When I think of Donald, I think of that scripture. You know the one. From the bible. Matthew 25:21

"His lord said unto him, well done, thou good and faithful servant..."

Donald was a sweet, funny man. Years back, he was in a mining accident. He hurt. All the time. Every bump in the road, every slight movement brought moans of pain. Then just as quickly as the agony left his lips came a statement. "You're doing good." Never, ever, EVER did he make you feel you weren't enough or trying as hard as you could. He was the kindest man.
I love Mr. Rogers. I like how he talked TO kids and taught in such a way that children understood and grasped the message. He vocalized that emotion is good and that letting it out releases anger, fear and frustration while instantly gaining inner peace.
According to Insider.com:

"You may know him simply as "Mister Rogers" but Fred Rogers, the man behind the beloved children's show "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" that ran for 33 years, was more than a TV personality. He was also a producer, writer, musician, puppeteer, show runner and Presbyterian minister."

Donald lived simply. He furloughed his goals and dreams to raise 3 wonderful children and never regretted a minute of that decision. I met Donald when I was 14. He had just "found" religion, gave up all his ghosts and demons and remained a faithful member of the LDS church until his last breath. To me, that showed his strength, his integrity, his perseverance and his loyalty. He was way smarter and stronger than he ever let show.
I guess my take-away from his life is this: Get to know the "insides" of people. The ticking in each of us that makes the pieces whole. Be kind. Always.
Mr. Rogers said it best. "I'm proud of you. I hope that you're proud of you too."

Keeping My Head On A Swivel

I work from home, therefore, I listen to many, many, MANY podcasts. I gravitate toward True Crime but the solved ones. I like it all wrapped up in a nice bow with the bad guy/girl caught; convicted; behind bars.

Drives Mark crazy.

"Why do you listen to that crap?"

"I'm taking notes so that when I kill you I won't get caught." Duh.

The stated mantra from each podcaster is "Keep your head on a swivel."

The Steel Horse Family jumped on our motorcycles and rode again. This time we went to sunny California to see Yosemite and the Redwoods. We made our way along the coast through Oregon and landed at Crater Lake.

Maybe it's a "rider thing" but I tend to keep my head to the right. Therefore, I see most of the views off on that side. This time I made sure that I looked BOTH right and left. This time I kept my head on a swivel.

I had my left foot bungied down.

I smelled the fresh mown fields, ocean air, forest trees, wildflowers and the stink of dairies along the roads.

I saw trees - HUGE trees that were dated back thousands of years.

I cooled in a river at Yosemite (fully clothed).

I ate the best-est breakfasts I have ever had, yet my favorite meal was at a park outside Crater Lake where Jan and Theresa cut up gas station sandwiches, opened chips and poured lemonade.

I was heated beyond my stamina and faced bone-chilling cold.

I laughed with family-friends.

I missed my kids fiercely.

I saw birds and dogs and kitties and elk and squirrels and deer and cows and horses.

I DID NOT see Sasquatch.

I stayed in an absolutely amazing cabin.

I was turned down to stay at the Traveler's Lodge because (I didn't know this was a real thing) I was with a group on motorcycles. DO NOT give them your money.

I sat in the sand and heard waves crashing on the shoreline.

I rode through beautiful clear skies, fog, rain and wind.

I lost my crap when we went on the Old Coast Highway and each bump nearly ripped off my head.

I cried as Uncle Ron was taken away in an ambulance.

I saw millions of crickets covering the road.

I saw waterfalls and rocks, and streams and boulders and lakes and trees and mountains and snow and...

I hugged my Uncle Bobby.

I laughed when Randy left Jan at the gas station.

I NEVER asked for anything. I'm not kidding. There was always a helping hand reaching toward me.

As usual, Mark took excellent care of me. He packed/unpacked the Harley. He kept me hydrated, fed and always happy.

See our world. Truly see it. Smell it. Feel it.

You don't have to go on a huge trip to enjoy the wonders of our mother Earth. Simply look in your back yard or out the front window.

Oh. And keep your head on a swivel.

Broken Halos

I should be doing some Freelance design. Trust me, I have clients that are holding. I think that they might want to be holding around my neck, but I have had this blog on my mind for over a week and it is driving me nuts, so I'm writing first. I guess clients will wait.

Seems like lately all I write about is gloom and doom. Death follows me like a rabid dog.

My intent from the beginning was to use my words to write about my life. Therefore, here is another blog about the horrid horrible.

I read that Kenny Rogers died. What? I LOVE Kenny Rogers. Was he really THAT old? My very first 45 was of Kenny singing "The Gambler." It was a Christmas gift from Diane Brown. Does Diane even remember gifting me that record? I do. I'm so grateful she did. She gave me a gift of new music I had never experienced before. Country music. I listened fervently to every word sung to me, and filled the air with my own singing. I absolutely loved it. Thank you Diane.

Later that day, I received a text from my cousin Ronda. "Lexi passed away yesterday". What? Ohmygosh, WHAT? Do you remember "Ashes To Ashes"? It's a blog I wrote a while back about Cory Jo. Yep. She was Ronda's daughter. Lexi was her big sister. Both girls, all of Ronda's kids, are gone.

I don't know how Ronda is keeping it together. I would lose my mind. Alas, keeping it together, she is and I hurt for her. Terribly.

This morning, Mark was showing me a song by Chris Stapleton. Broken Halos. I thought of Lexi Marie.

Lexi fought battles that many of us are not able to understand. They were hers. Nobody, I mean NOBODY gets to judge or use my ever-most-hated-statement beginning with "If it were me...".

Many would say that Lexi had a broken halo. I would argue. Vehemently.

Lexi was kind - beyond a normal-kind kind. She genuinely cared about those she loved. She NEVER let me pass without hugging me and asking about my life. Her laughter was contagious and her beauty within combined with her outer beauty. She was a force that forgot to seize her own power. Nor did she hold on to that amazing-ness to see her through the bad times.

I wish I had told her more often. I wish she knew. Why don't we believe in our own uniqueness? Why not grasp that power?

My new favorite television show is "A Million Little Things".  It's on ABC. Mark sat watching it with me for all of 5 minutes. He got up and said "It's way too sappy." And left.

He might be right.

The premise is:

Set in Boston, a tight-knit circle of friends are shocked after a member of the group dies from suicide unexpectedly. The friends realize that they need to finally start living life as they cope with their loss. The title is a reference to the saying "Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things."

A couple of episodes back, the friends gathered for a dinner to celebrate Jon.  A toast was given by Theo, who is 10. He was studying Egyptians at school. He said "The Egyptians believe you die twice. Once when you take your final breath and then again the last time someone says your name."

I'm here to tell you, I have not forgotten. So let me say loudly "Uncle Wendell, Cousin Sheena, Cousin Randall's wife - Cherie, Cousin Tonya's baby, Grandma Caroline, Grandma Elizabeth, Grandpa Pete, Grandpa Lyn, Aunt Jean, Uncle Lyn, Aunt Marie, Aunt Joy, Aunt Mel, Aunt Charlene, Uncle Paul, Aunt Charlene (yes, there are two), Cousin Lori, Cousin Rebekah, Cousin Stephanie's husband Kevin, Cousin Rick's wife Lori, Pat Nakai, Jared Nakai, Denise Jeppesen, My-Best-Friend Ray, Rebecca Hoyt, Max, Cory Jo, Korby's mom, Celeste's mother, Cousin Monicas husband Cory, Aunt Norma, Uncle Henry, Granny, Grandpa Jack, My Dad - Bob Allen, Keith, Lexi Marie.

I know I forgot to mention someone. As per my addled brain, I can't think. I'm relinquishing to you. Say the names of everyone in your life who has died. Keep them alive.

My names may or may not mean anything to you. However, the people bearing those names affected my life. I'm happy to say that with joy.

Thank you Lexi for giving us your sweet spirit to keep in our hearts forever. Yours was not a broken halo. According to Chris Stapleton:

Angels come down
From the heavens
Just to help us on our way
Come to teach us
Then they leave us
And they find some other soul to save

To The Moon and Back

On October 2, I awoke, checked my phone and had a message from my friend, Debi.

"Please call me."

I knew right then, mom (Shirley) had died.

Do I need to say again how I hate this age I'm in? Everyone that I have known my WHOLE life is passing on. I know. I know. The circle of life and all that crap. Have I ever told you that I'm a selfish girl and it's ALL about me?

Shirley came to be with Mark's dad while I was in Norfolk, Virginia. Mark knew her from his childhood, but I had never met her. When Mark got out of the service, we moved from coast to coast - leaving behind Virginia and landing in Seattle to live with Dad and Shirley until Mark found a job and we could get in our own place.

I don't know why I worried. It was wonderful. We chatted, played games and cooked ferociously. She was so cute with Tyson and loved him immensely.

Shirley had a great sense of humor and could light up a room with her smile.

Being a mom was top priority to this gal. When Jaden was born, she would come every single day to photograph him. "Back in the day" smart phones didn't exist. She had to grab her camera, take the pictures and at the end of a week when the roll was finished, it was sent in to be developed. When she got the photos back, she rushed to my house clutching the unopened envelope. We viewed the pictures and were astounded over the changes my boy experienced in such a short time.

I find myself thinking about love and how it differs with each person. Not the actual love, but how love is shown. I'm bothered that if it is not shown in the way we think it should be, then fences and boundaries are set in place and - at times - love is rejected. 

I think we are so lucky to be loved. My feeling is we all carry demons and monsters - some carry them inside and some monsters rear their head in an outward showing. BUT we each have them. Forgive mine and I'll forgive yours. 

Shirley loved Facebook. She kept in touch with friends and family. I used to giggle with my kids "I think Grandma is stalking me. She comments on EVERY SINGLE post." She did. Every one. I found myself looking for her comments. I loved what she would say, loved her support and on really lucky days she would send me an individual message.

"I love you to the moon and back." 

I was lucky to know her. I am lucky to be loved by her. 

Thank you, mom, for your smile. Your wisdom. Your laughter. Your joy. Your gracious love for people. For the books we shared. For your unfailing support. For the life you gave when it was so hard to simply "be". I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU - to the moon and back.

It Should Be In The Papers

I've not stuck to my word. Admittedly, 2019 was NOT my favorite-of-all-time. I didn't blog my happy thoughts and seemed to become lost in my anger and confusion. 2020 brings new beginning. New hope. AND new resolve to blog again. Verbal vomiting on an empty page is good for me, and since it's ALL about me... right? You get the picture.

A pretty awesome, really cool and super happy event happened in 2019. My Shelby married my entirely-handsome-and-calm-and-gracious-and-oh-so-wonderful Justin Roach.

I have always had an affinity to newspapers. I used to read each column ferociously. I love the written word and miss hearing the thump of the daily paper hitting our driveway.

When I lived in Ojai, I delivered newspapers every single day. I got up at 2:30. Drove to the newspaper "office", tied each newspaper, loaded them in my car and took off on my route. I threw the paper through the windows of my Grand Prix. Left and right. Left and right. With extreme accuracy my papers would land in the driveway of each subscriber.

I am ALWAYS cold. Because my windows had to stay down, I would bundle in layers. Did I mention I was pregnant with Tanna? I was. I would bundle up my big ol' belly and head into the darkness. About half-way through the route, I had to stop the car and get out to get the paper over a super high fence. Madam would always greet me. Madam is a German Shephard. I would pet her and talk to her. After some time, Bart (the owner) began coming out of the house to chat with me.

I thoroughly enjoyed our visits. Madam was one of the dogs that starred in Hogans Heroes. It's a show I watched as a kid. There was a tunnel under each dog house of the German Shepherd guard dogs (there were two of them). In the episode, the dog house would raise up, (dogs too) and you would see Hogan or one of his "men" peering around. It always brought a chuckle.

When I moved, Bart and his wife, Jane, gave me a picture of Madame. We remained pen pals for a while, but I let time slip away. I searched online for them a while back, but I had no luck.

Back "in the day" newspapers had a section for announcements. The reader was able to view specifics and pictures of births and engagements. If it was a celebrity, they would provide a write-up of the actual wedding - details that caused your imagination to run wild.

At 4:45 on Saturday, November 2, the bride, Shelby, escorted by her father, Mark, glided down an aisle lined with greenery, candles and cut wood.

The bride was stunning in a low backed gown that deceptively looked made of lace, but was instead a printed fabric that was both slimming and left cumbersome by the wayside. Her makeup was impeccable and was applied with skill by Justins sister Sarah. Tessa flew in from California and did a stunning job styling the hair of the bride. Shelby's hair swept to the side in a long braid in order to highlight the backless dress and accommodate the simple and elegant veil.

Her father was dashing in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and slim black tie.

Justin waited patiently under an arch made of greenery, with flowers, wood, lights and candles. The setting was stunning but only complimented the nervous groom dressed in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and black tie.

Everyone stood while the bride walked to the loving arms of her groom. Hailey proceeded the couple and tossed rose petals in the aisle. The audience wept while Mark handed his baby to the guy that promised to cherish the girl for life.

The ceremony was performed by a fellow firefighter that goes by the name "Mudflap". Mudflap sported a full-on mullet accented with a bright purple shirt. The speech was well rehearsed. It was funny, tearful and full of love. He pronounced Justin Roach and Shelby Deason husband and wife.

Following the ceremony, the venue was emptied of chairs and replaced with tables covered with greenery and beautiful flower arrangements. Chips and salsa were served in buffet style while family was swept outside for pictures. Street tacos, rice and beans followed and then the toasting began. Mark began the festivities with a tribute to the bride and groom. He wrapped up his speech by playing guitar with Mat Deason and singing "Nothing Compares To You."

More toasts were given and dancing followed. A live band serenaded while onlookers tore up the dance floor in moves that would put Michael Jackson to shame. The Daddy-Daughter dance was to "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper and the bride was overcome with emotion. That girl adores her dad and knew this was a big moment.

Justin grabbed his own mom to dance while twin, Josh, took a bow to the mother-of-the-bride and asked her to dance. Before the song ended, Josh and Justin switched places and I got to feel the strength of my new son-in-law's arms wrapped around me secretly promising to hold my girl up when she can't walk. Justin twirled me and dipped me with finesse while the crowd cheered. (We secretly stole the show).

Can you see it? It was beautiful and fun and heart warming and festive and a wonderful time was had by all. Congratulations my dear kids. I'm so proud.

Meet Justin and Shelby Roach. Together they will conquer the world.

Humble and Kind

In June, Jaden turned 19. It's so weird that my baby nears adult-hood-ness. It freaks me out a bit. I'm so not ready for everyone to be grown and gone. I will enjoy them while they are home. Right?

Jaden has faced some challenges this past year that have made him ANGRY and SAD and VOLATILE. Yet I still see loyalty accompanied with pain and fear in his eyes.

It kills me to see my kids hurt. I go to bed worrying about them and wake to thoughts of them. Jaden has taken the forefront on this.

When Jaden entered our family, he brought a breath of fresh air that each of us needed. We celebrated walking and talking and skateboarding and video games. We puffed up with pride over reading and spelling and math equations and writing. We cheered at sports events and learned again that mud puddles REALLY are fun, fishing is dang cool, movies are HAPPENING and cereal is the best food invented.

Yes. Jaden taught us to see the world with fresh eyes. Eyes we had forgotten to use in the mumble jumble of being an adult.

Jaden soared through school. He wowed all of his teachers. Above all, he has always been kind and loyal. I mean LOYAL. He loves his friends and family beyond measure.

I think at times we forget what it is like to be 16, 17, 18, 19 or even 20. We sure as heck don't know what it's like to do it now-days with social media, violence and cowards surrounding us. 

However, ALL the old adages remain true. 

"A penny saved is a penny earned." 

"Things are not always what they seem."

"Slow and steady wins the race."

"Call a spade a spade."

"Pride goes before the fall."

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy and wealthy and wise."

"Well done is better than well said."

"Nothing comes from nothing."

Maybe, just maybe, we need to see the world through Jaden's young eyes. Hopeful and kind and humane and adventurous. Maybe we need to see opportunities; grab them; never EVER let go.

The Steel Horse Family rode again. We left on July 4. Another absolutely wonderful,  invigorating, humbling, awe inspiring, holy-cow did you see that? experience.

But I had left my boy in turmoil. His super, extra, pretty dang cool friend had just died. It was awful. Heartbreaking. Difficult. Hard.

Jaden was on my mind as I soared through mountains. Smelled evergreens. Viewed lakes and valleys and breathtaking scenery. I carried Jaden with me when EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the group made sure I was able to walk on the beach and feel the ocean glide through my toes.

We were riding in silence when Mark turned up the CD and Tim McGraw began singing "Humble And Kind".  And I could NOT stop thinking of my boy.

You know there's a lot that goes by the front door
Don't forget the keys under the mat
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be a waste of time
Always stay humble and kind
Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got moutains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind
Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flying
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
I love you ain't no pick up line
Always stay humble and kind.
Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams your dreaming' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind
When its hot, drink a rooter, eat a popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love life gives you
When you get where your goin'
Don't forget turn back around
Help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind.

Happy Birthday, my son. Remember these things. Honor you friends, your family, but most of all honor yourself. 19 is going to lay opportunities at your feet. Seek them. Grab hold with both hands and never let go. Take a moment and see yourself through my eyes. You're perfect.