I knew it.

I knew it. I knew this time in my life was going to hit. I said "I hate the losses that are ahead of us". I fear losing family and friends and parents.

It has started.

Aunt Joy died yesterday afternoon. The world is a darker, sadder place. I'm not kidding.

Aunt Joy is Mark's aunt. Good woman. Good aunt. Good mother. Good friend. Good grandmother. Good person.

My heart literally aches for dear Uncle Bob. I want to comfort her children and grandchildren. There is no peace in death. I've heard all the canned answers. You know the ones.  "She's in a better place." "He's out of pain now." Whatever. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'M SELFISH and I want the people I love around ME.

Mark has never known a life without Aunt Joy in it. And now we do.

In case you're wondering, nope, I didn't do everything right. I used to write letters EVERY SINGLE WEEK to grandparents, aunts, friends, etc. Time got in the way. I had little kids. I was single. I went to school. I stopped.

Time passed.

I started blogging. Aunt Joy called me last year and told me she read my blog all the time.

I vowed to start writing Joy and Bobby again. I NEEDED to tell them how much I love them. I needed them to know they have made a difference in this world. In my world.

I didn't write. I didn't follow my heart. And now Monday is upon me and found me wishing I had done more.

Movie Madness

I absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt LOVE movies. I like them all. Science fictions, comedies, dramas, love stories, animations, shoot 'em ups. Doesn't matter. I love the movie, the popcorn, the coke and Milk Duds, the gathering of friends/family. Most of all I love the escape I get to enjoy for a couple of hours.

My friend Marilyn, says I'm "easily pleased" with movies. I don't really have high expectations in a movie so when I went last weekend to TWO movies (The Croods and 42) and was THRILLED with both of them...sigh...it was WONDERFUL.

We had a birthday shin-dig for Uncle Mike. We all gathered for dinner and not wanting to separate from the festivities, we decided to hit a movie. The only one playing in the time slot we had available was The Croods.

Shelby and Jaden had gone the weekend before. Shelby told me how great it was and that the story reminded her of her relationship with her dad.

I had no idea how spot-on she was.

That movie "had me" in the opening credits. I remember thinking, while munching on my LARGE tub no-butter-popcorn, that they took the Deason family and animated them. Oh man. They especially nailed Mark and Shelby.

Mark has a tendency of seeing the world through his eyes ONLY. If anyone disagrees or has a different vision, well (duh) they are wrong. Enter Shelby. She sees EVERYTHING differently. Drives Mark INSANE. Let's be honest. She drives Mark, Goose and Tyson absolutely batty. A note of reference here: The other day, Goose told me "You did a great job raising up the boys in the family, but the girls are really screwed up." Oh man. I about fell out of my chair laughing. 

The movie is full of tug and pull between the the dad (Grug) and daughter Eep. Grugs belief is "Be afraid of everything." That's how he has protected his family through the years. 

There is a point in the movie where the family becomes separated. Grug is in a cave and he draws a picture of his whole family, then draws himself wrapping his arms around each of them. 

That sums up Mark. Crazy, strong, loyal, and fiercely protective. 

Shelby has realized that her dad is crazy and mad and strong and tender and kind and lectures ALL the time. All of this is to protect her and the rest of us.

Our family is a force. I used to think that all families were like ours. I now believe we are different. I have found the unique qualities of the Deason's and I have not been left wanting.  When the end of the world strikes, the Deason's will be left standing. Because Mark said so.

I'm not going to spoil the movie. Go see it. 

Waiting for Monday

Yesterday, I decided to partake in one of my most favorite guilty pleasures. I went tanning. I know all the "why's and how's and what if's" about why I shouldn't do it. However, I love to go. I love the warmth and the tan (of course). I only find that I go in the Spring. Maybe it's because I'm digging out my short sleeve shirts and (sometimes) wearing my shorts and I HATE my lily-white-glow-in-the-dark skin. So I tan.

While waiting for the tanning bed to empty out and get cleaned, I was thumbing through People magazine when I ran across an article about Marie Osmond and a book she has written about her son that committed suicide in 2010.

I remember watching the Donny and Marie Show when I was a kid. I thought Marie was soooooo pretty. I wanted to dress like her. Sing like her. Roller skate like her. Nope. Never happened. But it was fun to pretend.

So I read the article.

Marie had performed a full week in Las Vegas and was staying at the Flamingo when her phone rang at about 1:30 in the morning. It was the guard at her gate from her Los Angeles home neighborhood. Someone was there from the coroner's office and they were sending someone to see her at the Flamingo in Vegas.

Marie writes:

On February 26, 2010,my sweet son left me, his family, and friends by jumping from the balcony of his eighth floor college apartment in Los Angeles. Even as I write this I want to cry out, "Please, don't let this be true." 

Marie had talked with Michael and they had made plans for Marie to fly home and to visit with him on Monday. Michael killed himself.

I guess the Osmond family gave Michael the nickname "Mallard". Apparently when he was younger he looked like a baby duck to them and the name stuck.

At the end of the article, Marie talked about ducks and said "on top they are serene and beautiful. Below they are paddling like crazy to stay afloat."

I wonder how many mallard ducks walk amongst us.  I worry about the times I think the people I love are fine, but are secretly paddling like crazy to stay afloat. How many times do I think "I'll do it on Monday."

What if Monday doesn't come?