When I think about my life, I actually enjoy my age. I love the freedoms that are placed at my feet. I still have opportunities and choices and plans and dreams and desires. And now they are more grounded to me and my beliefs.
After I was diagnosed with OPCA I hit a brick wall for a "minute". I'm unsure what the disease is going to bring. I won't know what "really" will happen to me until it happens. I have biological family that has this disease, however, they have decided that it is in their best interests not to know me. This leaves me with nobody to communicate with about what to expect. Resources are limited and I have yet to even find a forum online to provide me with any knowledge of what my future holds. The medical tracking of this disease is pretty sparse and I find myself worrying and wondering about what lies ahead. I found myself saying quite often that "I feel like my future is filled with everything I have to do and not with much of what I want to do." I don't want a new house without stairs. I LOVE my house. I don't want a new vehicle. I LOVE my jeep. I want to run again. I want to wear high heels again. I want to walk without clenching my hands with sheer concentration in order to walk "just a little wobbly". I want to do crafts and garden and remodel my house with my own hands and speak clearly and paint my own nails and go back to college. Whew. There. I said it.
Yes. I want to turn back time and do those things again, and memorize the freedom.
Dawn gathered all the girls for a surprise get-together the Friday before my birthday. She and Shannon took me to dinner (of course I had crab. Duh. Who turns 50 and doesn't have crab?) and then (after Dawn got us lost and Shannon was left to stand in the cold with me while I shivered and stumbled and NEARLY DIED from frostbite and Dawn ran to the end of the block to see if she could see which way Main Street was and coming back to us CLUELESS and we had to ask directions from a guy who, I'm sure, thought we were nuts and pointed EXACTLY the way Dawn had just come from with Dawn proclaiming LOUDLY that "I looked one way but it was the other way.") we went into Keys On Main in Salt Lake and ALL of the girls waiting for mom. We danced and sang and laughed and hollered and held hands and hugged and had an ABSOLUTELY perfect night.
Super Bowl is my most favorite day of the year. I love the anticipation. I love the food, the smack talk, the cheering, the commercials. We have a HUGE gathering every year with more food than Thanksgiving. We keep both televisions on the game and my house roars with each touchdown, flag thrown and funny commercial. Sigh. Incredible.
There are years when my birthday actually falls ON Super Bowl Sunday. But whether it's that day or not, my family always has a cake with candles for me to blow out and I pretend that the whole gathering is just for me and not for a bunch of guys in tight pants throwing pigskin around.
True to the past, my family had the party for me. They brought me gifts and sang ferociously for my benefit. Tyson and Shelby bought me a new MUCH NEEDED computer chair. Tyson came and put it together for me and Haily came busting down the stairs to ask me if I liked my new wheelchair. Thanks Hailey.
All this leads me to Monday, February 2, 2015. My birthday. Jaden had an appointment with his orthodontist in the morning. After we made our way home, I went upstairs to the couch and Jaden hit his room to game and "get the heck away from mom" time.
I sat on the couch contemplating "What's ahead." And I got myself worked up about the unknown. I was so busy with the worry-ing stuff that I forgot to focus on the anticipation stuff.
This is my reminder that you don't have to run or craft or garden or remodel to experience joy and happiness and peace.
I received MANY facebook birthday wishes. I LOVE my facebook birthday reminders. I love that people I know took a few seconds of their day to tell me that they are thinking of me. I love the messages and good wishes and tributes and thoughts and pictures and smiley-faces and exclamation points. I love the surprise I get when my phone shows the little red number by my facebook icon exclaiming that I have a message or notification.
I love when my grandbabies wrap their arms around me and tell me how much they love me.
I love Diana's little scream when she gets excited or scared.
I love the random texts that Tyson sends with thoughts or pictures.
I love phone calls from Goose to share his excitement over the "little" things in life.
I love the determination that drives Daulton to excel in her marriage and work and in anything that is thrown her way.
I love that Shelby calls me every day to touch base with me and tell me all about her day.
I love that Tanna will go with me to do my errands and turns my mundane into an adventure.
I love Jaden's wit and humor and I LOVE his laugh.
I love Mark's ability to make me smile or laugh out loud even when I'm in my "funky-est" moments.
Yes, the future holds the unknown. But these things will hold fast until the end of forever. The things I love most will stand the test of time and make themselves visible in my darkest moments.
Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts.
~Hope Floats
Here's to keep on wobbling toward the middle ground.
