Written In My Heart

A few years ago I did a breast cancer picture and titled it HOPE.  On the picture I put a quote from Norma Vincent:

What is hope? Hope is wishing for a thing to come true: faith is believing that it will come true. Hope is wanting something so eagerly that – in spite of all the evidence that you're not going to get it – you go right on wanting it. And the remarkable thing about it is that this very act of hoping produces a kind of strength of its own. 

I don't have faith in many things. Is that jaded? I don't know. I've found in MY life that just sitting and believing that something will come true doesn't seem to do me a lick of good. I'm sort of the "go out and get it" kind of gal. So I hope for things and then I go out and get those things. It wasn't until I read this quote that HOPE made so much more sense to me. The final sentence that states "the very act of hoping produces a kind of strength of its own" is what nailed it for me. 

I think we all hope for "a better tomorrow".  I think that hope is what gives us the strength to go out and create our tomorrows. I have had a couple of weeks filled with dread and worry and fear. I have let my strength ebb and hopelessness has filled up the empty spaces in my heart.

The other day a friend of mine shared:

Whether we like it or not, hope is written so deeply into our hearts that we just can't help ourselves, no matter how hard we try otherwise.

This simple statement has helped me "draw up my bootstraps" and get the fight back in me that I need in order to end the fear induced paralysis within me. I don't just hope for change anymore. I have gathered my strength to cause change. It's in ME to do it. Therefore, it WILL BE DONE.

Whimsy

A couple of weeks ago, Jaden, Daulton, Shelby and myself were in the jeep headed to the store. Because it is dead of summer and because I don't have an air conditioner and because I WORSHIP the sun, my top is off my jeep. Everywhere I go I feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my shoulders. Everyone complains about the heat. I don't. I love the sun. The hotter the better. I'm so happy in this weather!

Okay. Back on track. We were driving down the road and a sprinkler was spraying into our lane. There was nowhere to turn, so we went through it. We all screamed and ducked and got hit by the water. Then we laughed out loud.

Of course it triggered thoughts in my head.

Diana is a GREAT mom. When she has the kids they always look as if they stepped out of a magazine. Perfect hair. Perfectly matched clothes. Clean. Okay, let's be honest here, those two kids are the STINKIEST kids. Ever. But their cuteness makes up for the natural odor that befalls them, so it's an even trade.

Bill and Haily get dropped off at Grandmas house and if Diana and Tyson have learned anything about parenting, they have learned not to put the kids in their nice clothes when they visit me. Shoes are optional. A messy kid is inevitable.

We walk in the mud puddles. We dig in the dirt. We plant flowers. We weed the flower beds. We play in the sprinkler. We eat Otter Pops until the juice is oozing out of our t-shirts. I'm happy. They are happy. Win win situation.

Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember running and playing and laughing and shouting and dancing and singing without a care? Going through the sprinkler made me think of that. Watching the joy that Hailey and Bill show when they walk with me THROUGH the mud puddles instead of around them warms my heart clean through to my soul.

I said it before in another blog:

I'm not old (yet) but my time of wishes is more behind me than in front of me.

There will always be gardening and housework and bills to pay and dishes to wash and laundry to do and windows to wash. BUT I refuse to become stuffy and boring and grown up. When I can I will find that moment of whimsy and embrace it. I'll jot it down in my happy book and remember that moment forever.

Here are some things I highly recommend:

• walk through the mud puddle  • sing out loud • take your shoes off and feel the cool grass between your toes • put on that swimsuit and go to the pool. Listen to the pure joy that the kids share naturally • eat Otter Pops • buy some Converse tennis shoes and ROCK them. If you REALLY feel adventurous buy them in a blue or red or purple or multi color. Just wear them • walk through the sprinklers that cross your path • eat with your fingers. Don't even get out the silverware • skip rocks at the lake • turn off the air in your car and roll down the window • lay on your back and count the stars or make shapes out of the clouds or watch fireworks or make out with your soul mate. • talk to your kids about trivial-it-doesn't-really-matter stuff (because it really DOES matter most in the end) • play hopscotch or jacks or jump rope or hula hoop or kickball or Speed or tag or hide and seek • eat bubblegum and blow a REALLY BIG bubble • get in a food fight until your clothes are covered in mashed potatoes • make your kids roll their eyes at you • say "I love you" a lot

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. ~Kahlil Gibran

It's All About Perspective

I have always believed that in a fight, both parties are right. I think most arguments are based on emotion, and how can you be wrong if you are hurt or angry or lonely or confused? I am always telling my kids "take the emotion out and deal with the facts". Usually the facts aren't NEARLY as overwhelming as the emotion of the moment.

Daulton and Shelby have been best friends for quite a few years now. Mark and I always pushed for Goose to date Daulton. She was such a perfect fit for our family. We joked with her. We teased her that if Goose wouldn't date her that I would dump Mark and she could marry HIM so that we could guarantee that she would be a Deason. I'm SURE she is grateful that Goose stepped up and proposed.

I really didn't know for sure if she was interested in Goose. We just loved her and wanted her in the club. At Christmas time a few years back Shelby and Daulton had tagged along while I ran to Sam's Club to get some pictures developed. Above my piano in my "Pooh" room I have a wall with an 8 x 10" photo of each of the kids as a baby. Directly below their infant picture I put a current picture of their happy faces.

I had gone to Sam's to grab their pictures so I could update my wall and when the girls pulled out the picture of Tyson I was going on and on about how handsome Tyson is. (Which he IS terribly handsome) when Daulton said "Yeah, Tyson is handsome, but (she pulled out the pic of Goose) Goose is HOT".

I was so excited I about wrecked the jeep.

There has been a standing rule in the Deason home. This rule was VERY STRICTLY established by my boys. There was to be NO dating of friends. NONE. The girls honored the code. They have NEVER dated the friends of my boys. On the other hand, Tyson is with Diana who happens to be best friends with Tanna and Goose is happily married to Shelby's best friend.

I told Shelby that Goose really SHOULD ask Daulton out. Shelby talked to Goose. Goose talked with Shelby. Shelby talked to Daulton. Daulton talked to Shelby. The stars all aligned and Goose was dating Daulton.

Then the storms hit.

Things became complicated in the trifecta of Goose, Daulton and Shelby. There came a time when things were terribly tense and difficult and hard for each of them. I was worried about all of my kids.

My back porch is directly below my bedroom window. We use my window to access my roof. I (forcefully) told the kids to get out the window and sit down. I needed to talk to them.

We sat on the roof of the patio and I made them each tell me what they saw. They saw the trampoline. They saw the neighboring yards. They saw the wishing well in my yard. They saw the playhouse. They each stated the different items that they viewed.

They were each correct.

I talked to them about perspective. I shared my belief that in most emotional situations each party is right and that it is up to us as human beings to see the other side.

I don't know how much impact I made. Somehow they worked it out and came to terms with the emotions that were boiling inside of each of them. Daulton married Goose. Daulton and Shelby remain best friends. Goose and Shelby's relationship is still cemented in love.

I think EVERYONE should climb up on their roof from time to time. I believe we should all look around and see the world with different eyes. I am convinced that if we gain a different perspective during difficult times that most of the drama melts away and love will replace anger and hurt and fear.

Climb on your roof. What do you see?

Learning to Be Still

I've been a fighter my entire life. Nothing has ever come easily to me. I entered this world fighting and I am positive that I will exit this world with my fists held high.

Sometimes I feel like I am constantly on alert, that I always need to be aware of what is going on in order to run interference for myself or someone I love. Marilyn says that I throw on my cape of fairness and I feel it is my duty to "save the day". Makes me laugh, but she's probably right. I have always felt I was strong enough to fight battles that others are too weary to take on themselves.

A few blows have come my way and I'm finding myself in a position of having to be still and think before I act or react. A friend of mine shared the quote:

 "To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."

I've thought about this quote HEAVILY over the last couple of months. The last two weeks I have thought about it every single day.

I'm learning to be still. I'm learning that I can't control everything. I'm learning to allow myself to depend on those that love me. I'm learning to forgive unfairness. I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm learning.

I'm succeeding. I'm failing. Depends on the moment.

I want the universe to surrender to me. I desire the beauty of peace to envelope me and embrace those I love. I long for comfort to wrap it's arms around us and never let go.

So, I will learn.

The Game of Life

When I was a little girl, I used to love to play the board game Life. Sometimes I would get out the game and just "pretend" to play it all by myself. Wikipedia describes the game as:

The game simulates a person's travels through his or her life, from college to retirement, with jobs, marriage, and possible children along the way.

The modern game consists of a track on which players travel by spinning a small wheel (in the center of the board) with spaces numbered 1 through 10. The board also contains small mountains, buildings, and other three-dimensional objects. Playing pieces are small, colored, plastic automobiles which come in red, blue, white, yellow, orange, and green; each car has six holes in the top in which blue and/or pink "people pegs" are placed throughout the game as the player "gets married" and has or adopts "children". Some "early modern" editions have eight automobiles. 

I ALWAYS chose the blue car. I would carefully place my little pink lady peg in the drivers seat and wait patiently for the marriage space so that I could sit that blue peg right beside me. I would cross my fingers and offer secret prayers that I would be able to fill the rest of the car with pegs that represented children. I wanted two blue pegs and two pink pegs. Two boys and two girls. If I was by myself pretending, I would just start off with the car loaded EXACTLY the way I wanted it to be and off I would go spinning the wheel to see what my future might hold.

I don't remember the spaces on board of the game. I never worried about how much money I was going to get or what really cool education I might receive. I didn't care if I was a doctor, lawyer or a bum on the street. I was just concerned that I would be able to fill my car with the kids. If I was unable to fill my car before the end of the game? I lost. Even if I "won" I considered it a loss.

In the real world, I always always ALWAYS wanted children. I never considered going off to college or traveling or moving to some exotic location. I was born to be a mom.

I got married 3 weeks out of high school. June 15, 1983. I was pregnant by the first of the year. I was beginning to fill my car and nothing made me happier.  Tyson was born August 19, 1984. He was two months early. So began some pretty scary adventures for us. But he was such a strong boy. He pulled through with flying colors and we never looked back.

Goose came in 1987. Tanna in 1989 and Shelby in 1991. My car was full of the EXACT pegs I had always wished for.

9 years later Jaden was born.

If I could have had more children I would have. If I could adopt kids, I would. If I could be a foster parent, I would. If I had the means to run a home for needy children, I would. I love kids. I'll say it again. I LOVE KIDS. All kids.

I finally went to college and got my degree in graphic design. I'm good at what I do. Right now I'm doing quite a few wedding announcements for different couples. I have them come to my house and I meet with them. I ask about their engagement and their wedding plans. I LOVE to ask about how they met and fell in love. We talk about their plans for the future and I wonder to myself where they are going to land in their game of Life.

My wheel has been spinning for 48 years now. I have landed on some spaces that I couldn't get off of fast enough. Other times, I wish I could have lingered a bit longer before I had to load my car and move on. Despite the twists and turns that my vehicle in Life has taken, I ALWAYS have loaded up my car. I have always carefully placed all the pegs in proper order. Three blue pegs are placed first, followed by two pink pegs. I have extended my car to add room for another blue peg to represent Jaden. My car keeps getting longer as I have needed to add three pink for Diana, Daulton, Hailey and another blue for Bill.

Throughout my life I have seen the need to add pegs here and there to just give them a lift to another destination. We laugh on our road trip. We play games, tell stories, eat great car candy and I drop them off to complete their spin. However, I always keep my car open for them to hitch a ride. If you need to place your peg in my car for a bit? I'll be glad to a have you on board. If you have room in your car for those children in need? Open your car and invite them in. Sometimes they just need a little rest from the spinning wheel that places them into the darkness.

The Deason pegs...

Stolen Flowers

To me, one of the most beautiful sights is a cemetery on Memorial Day. Provo Cemetery is no exception.

I went to see Keith on Memorial Day.  I don't usually go to cemeteries on Memorial Day. It's the rebellious streak in me. I am not one to be told when I should remember a loved one. I want to do it my way in my time. I know that's lame. But it's just me and I don't do it.

This year Keith has been heavy on my mind. I find myself talking about him more often which causes me to think about him more often which causes me to look for him again every time I see a guy walking down the street with his hat pulled low or skateboarding by with his shirt off. Yep. I still miss him in the silence between every heartbeat.

Tanna asked if I would go with her to the cemetery. We loaded up in the jeep, cranked up the radio and sat in silence while we drove to see my boy.

I go see Keith several times a year. Sometimes when I go there are little gifts left for him on his gravestone. This year someone had dropped of some flowers. I was a bit shocked. I don't think I have ever seen flowers on his grave. Usually it's a blue bandana or a penny or a pepsi. Not flowers.

I cried.

I was so touched by that simple act of love.  I took the flowers home.

I know all the reasons why I SHOULDN'T have taken them. However, the reasons of why I SHOULD won.

I planted them in the little flower bed right by my driveway. EVERY SINGLE TIME I pull into my house I see Keith. I think of Keith. I feel Keith there.

The flowers are a little "bendy" right now. They'll snap out of it and flourish and will remain a reminder of a life that left us too early.

When you drive by my place and you see the brilliant white mums in my flower bed...join me and think of Keith. If you didn't know Keith. You missed meeting a shooting star. If you knew him? Well then, you know exactly what I mean.

P.S.  If YOU are the one to leave the flowers at the gravesite...thank you. I'd tell you that I'm sorry that I took them. I know you left them for Keith. But. I don't think I AM sorry. I'm just grateful. Come by my house. We'll share stories of the boy that we all miss.

Crash

One of my all time favorite watch it over and over and never get tired of it movies is Crash. I remember sitting in the theater the night I went. I'm sure I had a popcorn and coke and was just happy to get out of my reality for a moment. I've told you that I'm a BIG movie fan. I see everything. But I LOVE Sandra Bullock and I was particularly excited to see this movie.

The opening of the movie had a voice over that said:

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

I think about this ALL the time.  I'm a friendly kind of gal. I walk down the street and try to make eye contact with all that I pass. I say "hi" and smile even when they avoid that eye contact or are lost in their Ipod-cell-phone world.

It's so easy to do. So why don't we do it often? 

Am I wrong to think that we ALL miss human contact? the letters in the mail? the phone calls? the walks in the park? laying on the grass and telling stories? holding hands and just being silent and still?

These things matter. They are what we will remember in the end. The little moments are what our stories are made of. 

I think it is important to help write each others' stories. It's so simple to smile and say "hello" to a stranger. Eye contact only takes a moment. Reach out and touch those around you. Turn off the Ipod, put down your phone and use your voice. I bet it's a good voice.