Which Came First? The Chicken? The Egg?

Another Deason tied the knot. Sunday, October 1st, Dawn and Mike's youngest boy said "I do." Sean Paul Deason married Lindsey in (of course) a beautiful ceremony with a lovely bride coupled with an equally handsome groom. The magical moment was completed with their absolutely-adorable son, Micah.

Sean was always the "picky" one. He was picky about his clothes. He was picky about his food. He was picky about his hair, his toys, his smile, EVERYTHING. Having said all that, you must realize that Lindsey is absolutely wonderful for Sean to have "picked' her. Yep. She's a great mom, a beautiful human and has a heart to match her spirit. He is so lucky to have someone like her and (just so you know, Sean) if you mess this up we are keeping her and Micah and you'll be left on the curb.

For a short time, Dawn, Mike and family lived with us and I was given the take-care-of-all-eight-of-the-kids duty. Oh man. Did I earn my angel wings. My life consisted of feeding, laundry, housework and putting out fires with every corner turned. However, since Sean was the youngest and SO not what the other kids wanted tagging along in the imaginative soda shops or army-crawling-running-and-howling-with-laughter games, I enjoyed much one-on-one time with his creative imagination. To this day, it's such a bright spot when I can catch Sean alone and hear him talk of his hopes and dreams.

You probably are thinking "Man. Linnette sure relates Dawns kids to chickens." And that would be true. Sean was pretty dang young and at the table eating breakfast when Mark in all of his wisdom said "Sean! You're eating baby chickens." Oh boy. Sean howled and hollered and FORCEFULLY let us all know that without a shadow of a doubt he would NEVER eat eggs again. He wasn't kidding. To this day he isn't an egg fan. Thanks Mark.

Sean's cup overflows with talent. And smarts. And handsome-ness. And humor. And kindness. We are lucky to share the Deason name with this boy. Micah is lucky to call him "Daddy". Dawn and Mike are lucky to call him son and most important? Lindsey is lucky to call him "Honey".

Introducing the Deason family. Watch as they learn and grow and become.

My Desert Rose

This is the last birthday of the year. To be honest, I'm glad. I miss my little kids and every single STUPID birthday brings them further into adulthood with all the messiness that growing up brings. I hate that. I love seeing them grow and become. However, I absolutely despise disappointment that appears - whether it be brought on by bad choices or slung at them from someone else. I can fix hunger, tired kids, messes from falling, sibling fights. I absolutely cannot fix what others' have done to them out of selfishness.

So for now, my kids land on this year and (of course) will rock it brilliantly.

The final birthday of the year is my sweet Shelby. Today she turns 26.

Shelby was over last night. She lamented, "I'm closer to 30 than 20".

Shelby got that from me. (Sorry Shelb). When Shelby was little she always hated growing up. We used to constantly sing:

I don't want to grow up.
I'm a Toys"R"Us kid...

Shelby has always been my little social butterfly. When we would go grocery shopping I would put her in the cart and we would sing our "ABC's" while keeping our little fingers busy with signing as we sang. People had NO idea that I was saving them from "Hey! What's your name?" "Do you have a dog?" "What's your dogs name" What's your dads name" "What's your mom's name?" "I'm Shelbykardeason" "My dog is named Titleist." "He's part boxer and part golf ball."

"Shelby! Your name is Shelby KARELINE Deason. And Titleist is boxer and lab mix."

Then Shelby would look at me with her big blue eyes and little pixie face. "No Mommy. You're wrong."

I would sigh HEAVILY. "A B C D E F G..."

A few years back I made a movie for each of my kids as a Christmas gift. I found baby and family pictures to make each movie individual. I worked so hard to find the right music to make it all fit together. Taylor Swift had just released "The Best Day". Shelby and I shared that story. Shelby was in middle school and one day things were a bit rough for her. She came home in tears. We grabbed the keys and drove up to Midway, Utah. We window shopped, told stories and laughed. I don't remember exactly what happened at school. However, I DO remember spending the afternoon with my girl.

When the song was released, Shelby said "Listen to this song. It reminds me of you." That's the song I picked for her movie.

Mark knows his music. He understands theory and sound and how lyrics work. That guy was blessed with unmatched natural talent and then he coupled his talent with hard work and became a really, really, REALLY good musician.

Mark told me to listen to "Desert Rose" by Eric Johnson. I did. I thought to myself "I wish I had put this as Shelby's song.

Desert Rose dances, in heat of the sky
I must pattern my life about you;
You can make the most when the waters run dry.
Look into the well deep inside you. 

My Desert Rose
Born are the few,
Always with me,
A vision of you. 

Acrolith reflection, that floats through my dreams,
Arid is the dust underneath me;
Something far away, a mirage so it seems,
What I long to see, oh, could it be? 

My Desert Rose
Born are the few,
Always with me,
A vision of you. 

My Desert Rose
Born are the few,
Always with me,
Don't fade away.
Don't fade away.

That's my Shelby. Right there. She is a stunning beauty that blossoms in the heat and drought of Life. People look toward her light and imagine that they, too, can experience that kind of impassioned happiness.

I'm so stinking proud of her.

I have intimate knowledge of trials that have come her way. I have NEVER seen a child rise above bad adults coupled with bad adult behavior. Shelby did. Brilliantly. Life, death, pain, growth, loneliness, love. She captains it.

Happy birthday Shelby. You are my sunshine.

Begin Again

I love to read. I love paper and ink and the smell of printing. I love the creative thinking of authors and the graphic artists rendition behind the book jacket design. Most of all? I love starting a new book. It's tantamount to beginning a new adventure and I CAN'T WAIT to see how it all works out.

Mark and I took off on the motorcycle for our last big hoorah of the summer. There isn't much to do on the bike so I spend a ton of time lost in my own thoughts.

While enjoying the country-side, the wind and the sun my thoughts turned to me (surprise - yeah, it's ALL about me) and my disease. I try super hard not to give this "inconvenience" power, however, it keeps marching forward and I find myself focusing on icky thoughts more often.

Keira Knightley, Mark Ruffalo and Adam Levine star in a movie called "Begin Again". Google says:

"Gretta (Keira Knightley) and her songwriting partner/lover Dave (Adam Levine) head for New York when he lands a record deal with a major label. However, Gretta is suddenly left on her own when Dave gives in to the temptations that come with his newfound success. Things take a turn for the better for her when Dan (Mark Ruffalo), a disgraced record executive, discovers Gretta performing in a club. A mutually life-changing bond forms between the pair as they work together on Gretta's first album."

Shelby was visiting a while back and turned to this movie. I had not seen it before and since I'm a movie NUT, I sat and watched it with her. Oh man. I loved it.

A few years back, Mark asked me "If you could sing like anyone, who would it be?" Without skipping a beat I answered "Celine Dion".  At the time, I was REALLY into her and her music so the answer kinda came out like "duh".  Her voice is strong, vibrant and memorable. Yeah. I'd sing like her. Without a doubt.

I used to sing ALL THE TIME. I sang to the radio. I sang at my piano. I sang with music playing and without music. I sang to my babies, to my toddlers, to my kids. I sang in church, in my car, in my kitchen, in the shower, while I cooked or cleaned or mowed or slept. I sang. Albeit, I wasn't super good, but I so love music - so I sang.

I don't sing out loud any longer. My mouth muscles just don't work right. I can think the words, however, I can't get them out with the music. So I sing in silence.

I changed who I want to sing like. I'll take Keira. You'll have to watch the movie to understand. Her singing is soft, vulnerable, and simple -  no frills or fluff. Simple.

That's what new beginnings are about. Right? Simple. A thought becomes a step. A step becomes an action. An action leads to accomplishment. Simply begin.

According to Webster's Dictionary, the definition of beginning is:

1. the point in time and space at which something starts.

While riding the bike, this all went through my head. It might be a bit jumbled to you, however, it was clear to me. It's pretty simple. I can view what's ahead of me as an ending OR I can choose to embrace the new beginnings.

Maybe Meister Ekhart had it right when he said:

"And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."

My Gift

In 2008 the movie Seven Pounds starring Will Smith (I love him) and Rosario Dawson (yeah, she's the bomb) was released.

According to IMDb

"A man with a fateful secret embarks on an extraordinary journey of redemption by forever changing the lives of seven strangers."

The movie stood out in my mind - not because it was so good (it was), not because the actors were so incredible (they were), not because the story was so wonderful (it was) - simply because I left the movie thinking "That's something Tyson would do."

Other friends/family saw the movie and time after time I heard "I thought about Tyson while watching that movie. That's something he would do." And he would. 

Tyson came into this world 2 months early and weighing in at 5 pounds 6 ounces. I think his heart made up 5 pounds of that weight. I've said it time and time again. Tyson is the most giving person I know. I know A LOT of people.

33 years ago, my life changed forever with the birth of my son. I thought I had it all handled and knew what to expect. Oh, the arrogance of being young. I knew nothing. Absolutely nothing. A few years back I told Tyson "I made all my big mistakes with you." He simply nodded in affirmation. Then he grinned. That cute, dimpled smile that melts my heart and I knew all was forgiven.

Tyson does not live in the past. He has moved forward brilliantly with a catcher's mitt in one hand and his left hand free to toss back each curve ball that life has thrown his way. Things I have spent a lifetime learning - forgiveness, generosity, making a difference - come naturally to this kid.

As a young boy, Tyson took on the mentor role with each of his siblings. Time passed and he taught his friends that they could forever depend on him. To this day, if something is needed just ask Tyson. That's a legacy that many of us will not leave behind. Tyson will. With a vengeance.

In 2012 I wrote a blog called "Unsung Heroes". This post was about Tyson. Tagging along at the end of my writing is a copy of a poem by Rudyard Kipling "If". I have always related this poem to my boy.  The line "And never breathe a word about your loss" is how Tyson has chosen to live. Not too many people get the luxury of knowing the true man - the good, the bad and the ugly. It's all there, wrapped in a perfect package that I am lucky enough to call mine.

Happy Birthday, Tyson, may we all be a bit like you.

The Great Unknown

Today marks one year since Dad's passing. My relationship with Dad came late in life - not smeared with adolescence insolence or childhood insecurities. I have always vehemently stated that our relationship was perfect. We were uninterested in the hurt and pain that often accompanies family. He had NO idea of the stupid stuff I did when I was a kid and I held no grudges of the less than ideal moments he might have been guilty of as a parent. Our past, present and future was unsoiled and I was so lucky.

My heart broke when Dad died. The shatter brought me to my knees. Mark tried with all of his might to console me. I was comfortless and one year later I don't see myself recovering any time soon.

It's been a whole year of firsts. Dad's wife, Arlene, has struggled with these. It's been hard for her to be alone. She misses the bickering that comes with years of marriage. The anger, the pouting, the silent treatment, the slamming and the muttering all seem to fade when you lose someone you truly love. You find yourself remembering the camping trips, the long drives in the car, the conversations, the meals cooked and shared, date night at your favorite restaurant and the comfortable silence of their presence.

One day I was sitting at my counter eating Top Ramen - of all things. I looked out the window in time to see a couple get out of their car and head up the sidewalk to my house. "I know them, but who the crap are they?" It was Dad and Arlene. 

When I came to my senses and rushed to the door to greet them, I asked "OHMYGOSH! Why are you here?" They had heard that I had gotten a not-so-nice-letter from someone and it had rocked my small world a bit. Dad had driven 12 hours because I "might need a hug from your dad." And they hugged me. And we cried. And my cup runneth over.

Today EVERYTHING reminds me of my dad. I still smell the outdoors he wore as cologne. I remember the feel of his curly hair. The sensation of his warmth wrapped around me lingers on my shoulders. I hear his music and it commingles with the tinkling of his laughter. I miss the sound of his voice. 

Life without someone you love is like entering a great unknown. You don't know what's ahead. You can't have what is behind. So you wing it - never knowing when a touch, a smell, a song, a poem, a voice or a presence tickles your brain and tears begin to flow.

I have a frame above my desk with pictures of dad and myself on the first day we met. I look at it and remember him. I hope I honor him. Although our time together was short, I hope I made him proud.

I love you Dad. 

A Diamond in the Dust

Another year has circled around and landed smack dab on Tanna's birthday. Oh what to say? So many thoughts and worries and lectures and hopes and dreams and desires about this girl keep me up at night. However, a year ago there was not a moment that I didn't think I would lose my girl. Drugs. Stupid drugs. Tanna was embroiled in them and as a family, we were beyond helpless.

Tanna has been clean 7 months now. Let me repeat that. TANNA HAS BEEN CLEAN SEVEN MONTHS NOW. And I'm proud.

Yes, friends, we have a long way to go. A lifetime of change doesn't happen in months. I know that. However, the hours lead to days, days lead to months, months lead to years and years lead to lifetimes. The steps are becoming easier. As footsteps lighten, we weigh ourselves down on another item to place our focus. Someday, we will get back to who she was before her life hit a brick wall.

Today is to celebrate the birth and life of my daughter.

Have I ever told you that I like Tim McGraw? In case you were wondering, I do. I like his music ALOT.

Goose and his wife Daulton, dear Uncle Mike, nephew Mat, friend Cale and hubby Mark all went hiking and backpacking the Wind Rivers in Wyoming. No I didn't go. The conversations went something like:

"You should come with us. I can make a pack for you and carry you wherever you need to go"

"Are there hotels? Room service?"

He looked at me incredulously, "No."

"Then no...HECK NO... I'm not going."

Let's be honest, even if I could walk like a champ, I wouldn't go. Eating fish for nine days, sleeping on the ground, and finding a bush for toilet coverage is not my cup of tea. Go figure.

Instead, Tanna and I left to go see Arlene in Washington. Other than for the memorial, I haven't been back since dad passed. That's a blog for another time. The trip was tinged with sadness, but what a great visit! Spending time with family is always good for your soul, isn't it?

I haven't been on a trip with Tanna for many many MANY years and the open road was speaking to us. The journey was prepared, road snacks were purchased, car was cleaned and vacuumed and the song playlist was made.

We were just outside of Boise when Tim McGraw played.

I've pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I've got a few old habits left
But there's still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you'll see
There's a diamond under all this dust

And that, my friend, is my daughter. Getting better. A long way to go, but that diamond is beginning to show.

I admire Tanna for working so hard. She is not complacent with life and is working constantly to better herself.

Mark Twain penned:
In twenty years, you will be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did.

Live to do. Not to want. My daughter taught me that. Tanna has nothing, yet wants for nothing. She is one of the most unworldly people I know. She wants the best for you and is learning to want the best for herself. Change is inevitable, so why not make change good?

The search can be far and wide, but you will NEVER find a more beautiful girl than my Tanna. Inside. Outside. This girl has it. Loyal. Honest. Kind. Giving. Tender. Emotional. Friendly. Caring. 28 years has given her the strength to finally fall on her knees and give herself permission to help herself.

She's a diamond alright. She sparkles with life and is strong beyond measure.

One thing about dust. It can be blown away, right?

I know how to hold a grudge
I can send a bridge up in smoke
And I can't count the people I've let down, the hearts I've broke
You ain't gotta dig too deep
If you wanna find some dirt on me
I'm learning who you've been
Ain't who you've got to be
It's gonna be an uphill climb
Aww honey I won't lie
I’ve pinned a lot of demons to the ground
I’ve got a few old habits left
But there’s still one or two I might need you to help me get
Standing in the rain so long has left me with a little rust
But put some faith in me
And someday you’ll see
There’s a diamond under all this dust
I ain't no angel
I still got a few more dances with the devil
I’m cleaning up my act little by little
I’m getting there
I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see
I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get
But I’m better than I used to be

Happy birthday, my sweet girl. I'm a lucky mom.

Ashes to Ashes

I've had this writing on my mind for over a year now. It's been hard to write my thoughts because I so desire to do a perfect job. Alas, it may not be perfect, however, I want to get these words down. Here goes:

Last summer I went to visit my cousin, Ronda, in St. George.  Aunt June and Uncle Roy were headed that way and asked if I wanted to tag along. I'm a sucker for a free ride with dear family-friends, so of course I said "Yes".

The summer of 2011 I got a phone call. "Cori passed away." What? Cori is Ronda and Sonny's youngest daughter. She was merely 22 years old and I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that she was gone.

My kids grew up playing with Lexi and Cori. For a time, I lived only 15 miles from Ronda and Sonny. Periodically we found our way to visit. And play they would. Every childhood game was enjoyed and argued and ruled and laughed at and shared.

Cori was a force to be reckoned with. She always had a strong will coupled with a great sense of humor. She was honorable, kind, strong and good - all wrapped in a dang pretty package.

While visiting Ronda, Aunt June pulled out her camera. June, Ronda and Ronda's mother-in-law had been on a vacation. If my memory serves me right, they went to Scotland, Ireland and other scenic places. They had a grand time and we all got to share in their adventures thanks to Facebook posts.

June, who is VERY detail oriented, went through the pics explaining each shot and the meaning behind the photo when she landed on a pic of Ronda digging in the dirt. "And Ronda put some of Cori's ashes here." Oh man. Melt my heart.

I know this is common with cremation. In fact, I'm sure many of you have done the same. However, this was MY cousin. A mother - who lost a child. And my heart went out to her.

If Cori were here, she would tell of all her adventures. She would fling her arms and smile her contagious smile. Her freckled nose would wrinkle with glee and she would talk your dang ear off telling long tales of the wondrous beauty of this world.

I have typed and erased. Typed and erased. I find it terribly difficult to get my thoughts to black and white. Maybe it's because Cori was so colorful. Maybe it's because I can't find the right words to express how absolutely-amazingly-beautiful I find in the fact that Ronda and Sonny have honored their girl by taking her with them - albeit separately - to share in their adventures.

Sonny and his wife, Sue, take Cori with them throughout Utah and she is placed in areas that she loved to visit. As well, Ronda takes Cori on her adventures and travels.

Cori is in the Hampton Court Gardens and Kensington Palace in England. When you see Stonehenge, take a moment and feel her presence. Cori will be at your feet when you kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland. Loch Ness holds a monster no longer - for it now holds a sweet spirit of laughter and love. Harry Potter will forever fly with an angel over the gardens of Alnick Castle in Northumberland, England. The 7th Wonder of the World - Giants Causeway - now embodies a whole new wonder named Cori Jo Dyle.

I wonder where Cori will go next?