Perfectly imperfect.

One day Shelby said "You have got to see our problems too. Your kids are not perfect." Ummmmmm. Sorry Shelby, I beg to differ. I am fully aware that they cry and moan and fight and can be lazy and can not believe in themselves. Yeah. I get it. I see it. However, I choose to see the healthy, strong, loyal, smart, compassionate, giving, beautiful side of them at all times.

There is a "joke" in our family that Goose is the favorite child. Let's put that to rest. He is. 

Goose is the kindest soul I know. He loves each member of the family immensely (carrying that love to extended family and friends) and takes care that each knows to turn to him if anything is needed. His laughter is contagious. He is kind. And handsome. And loyal. And giving. And loving. Honest. True. Beyond all? Good.

Except Tyson is my favorite. He is the most giving person I know. He provides for everyone. And NEVER asks for anything in return. His sense of humor is intense. He is smarter than smart. Everyone knows that if help is needed, Tyson is the first to show as well as the last to leave - and doesn't stop in between. Best of all? He listens. And cares. And smiles. Is handsome. Loyal. Honest. True. Beyond all? Good.

Except, maybe, Tanna is my favorite. She is the strongest person I know. She cares for her family without boundaries. She helps without asking for herself. She sees light. And goodness. And laughs when she finds something funny. She cries when it's not. She is fearless. And beautiful. And kind. And loyal. And true. Beyond all? Good.

Shelby just might be my favorite. She is the most honest person I know. She constantly studies what is needed to improve herself and others around her. She genuinely wants the best for everyone and will teach any who will listen. She lights up a room simply with her presence. She is a force beyond description. She is fearless. Beautiful. Kind. Loyal. True. Beyond all? Good.

Jaden is my favorite. There I said it. It's a fact. Don't question me.

Jaden is the most loyal person I know. He fiercely defends the underdog. His smartness is unrivaled. He loves his family and when he hugs you? I swear it is a gift from heaven above. He is handsome. Kind. Loyal. True. Beyond all? Good. 

In 2010, Pink released her hit song "Perfect".

...Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing

You are perfect to me...

My family IS perfect. Agatha Christie said:

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crashes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.

I remember saying to one of my children that was doubting themselves "Just see yourself through my eyes."

Perhaps Tom Petty crooned it best in "Wildflowers":

You belong among the wildflowers. You belong in a boat out to sea. You belong with your love on your arm. You belong somewhere you feel free. 

 

Well Done....

It's official. I need to change the name of my blog. Something about doom, destruction, death. Any ideas?
August began wrapped in sadness. Donald Shomaker passed. When I think of Donald, I think of that scripture. You know the one. From the bible. Matthew 25:21

"His lord said unto him, well done, thou good and faithful servant..."

Donald was a sweet, funny man. Years back, he was in a mining accident. He hurt. All the time. Every bump in the road, every slight movement brought moans of pain. Then just as quickly as the agony left his lips came a statement. "You're doing good." Never, ever, EVER did he make you feel you weren't enough or trying as hard as you could. He was the kindest man.
I love Mr. Rogers. I like how he talked TO kids and taught in such a way that children understood and grasped the message. He vocalized that emotion is good and that letting it out releases anger, fear and frustration while instantly gaining inner peace.
According to Insider.com:

"You may know him simply as "Mister Rogers" but Fred Rogers, the man behind the beloved children's show "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" that ran for 33 years, was more than a TV personality. He was also a producer, writer, musician, puppeteer, show runner and Presbyterian minister."

Donald lived simply. He furloughed his goals and dreams to raise 3 wonderful children and never regretted a minute of that decision. I met Donald when I was 14. He had just "found" religion, gave up all his ghosts and demons and remained a faithful member of the LDS church until his last breath. To me, that showed his strength, his integrity, his perseverance and his loyalty. He was way smarter and stronger than he ever let show.
I guess my take-away from his life is this: Get to know the "insides" of people. The ticking in each of us that makes the pieces whole. Be kind. Always.
Mr. Rogers said it best. "I'm proud of you. I hope that you're proud of you too."

To The Moon and Back

On October 2, I awoke, checked my phone and had a message from my friend, Debi.

"Please call me."

I knew right then, mom (Shirley) had died.

Do I need to say again how I hate this age I'm in? Everyone that I have known my WHOLE life is passing on. I know. I know. The circle of life and all that crap. Have I ever told you that I'm a selfish girl and it's ALL about me?

Shirley came to be with Mark's dad while I was in Norfolk, Virginia. Mark knew her from his childhood, but I had never met her. When Mark got out of the service, we moved from coast to coast - leaving behind Virginia and landing in Seattle to live with Dad and Shirley until Mark found a job and we could get in our own place.

I don't know why I worried. It was wonderful. We chatted, played games and cooked ferociously. She was so cute with Tyson and loved him immensely.

Shirley had a great sense of humor and could light up a room with her smile.

Being a mom was top priority to this gal. When Jaden was born, she would come every single day to photograph him. "Back in the day" smart phones didn't exist. She had to grab her camera, take the pictures and at the end of a week when the roll was finished, it was sent in to be developed. When she got the photos back, she rushed to my house clutching the unopened envelope. We viewed the pictures and were astounded over the changes my boy experienced in such a short time.

I find myself thinking about love and how it differs with each person. Not the actual love, but how love is shown. I'm bothered that if it is not shown in the way we think it should be, then fences and boundaries are set in place and - at times - love is rejected. 

I think we are so lucky to be loved. My feeling is we all carry demons and monsters - some carry them inside and some monsters rear their head in an outward showing. BUT we each have them. Forgive mine and I'll forgive yours. 

Shirley loved Facebook. She kept in touch with friends and family. I used to giggle with my kids "I think Grandma is stalking me. She comments on EVERY SINGLE post." She did. Every one. I found myself looking for her comments. I loved what she would say, loved her support and on really lucky days she would send me an individual message.

"I love you to the moon and back." 

I was lucky to know her. I am lucky to be loved by her. 

Thank you, mom, for your smile. Your wisdom. Your laughter. Your joy. Your gracious love for people. For the books we shared. For your unfailing support. For the life you gave when it was so hard to simply "be". I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU - to the moon and back.

It Should Be In The Papers

I've not stuck to my word. Admittedly, 2019 was NOT my favorite-of-all-time. I didn't blog my happy thoughts and seemed to become lost in my anger and confusion. 2020 brings new beginning. New hope. AND new resolve to blog again. Verbal vomiting on an empty page is good for me, and since it's ALL about me... right? You get the picture.

A pretty awesome, really cool and super happy event happened in 2019. My Shelby married my entirely-handsome-and-calm-and-gracious-and-oh-so-wonderful Justin Roach.

I have always had an affinity to newspapers. I used to read each column ferociously. I love the written word and miss hearing the thump of the daily paper hitting our driveway.

When I lived in Ojai, I delivered newspapers every single day. I got up at 2:30. Drove to the newspaper "office", tied each newspaper, loaded them in my car and took off on my route. I threw the paper through the windows of my Grand Prix. Left and right. Left and right. With extreme accuracy my papers would land in the driveway of each subscriber.

I am ALWAYS cold. Because my windows had to stay down, I would bundle in layers. Did I mention I was pregnant with Tanna? I was. I would bundle up my big ol' belly and head into the darkness. About half-way through the route, I had to stop the car and get out to get the paper over a super high fence. Madam would always greet me. Madam is a German Shephard. I would pet her and talk to her. After some time, Bart (the owner) began coming out of the house to chat with me.

I thoroughly enjoyed our visits. Madam was one of the dogs that starred in Hogans Heroes. It's a show I watched as a kid. There was a tunnel under each dog house of the German Shepherd guard dogs (there were two of them). In the episode, the dog house would raise up, (dogs too) and you would see Hogan or one of his "men" peering around. It always brought a chuckle.

When I moved, Bart and his wife, Jane, gave me a picture of Madame. We remained pen pals for a while, but I let time slip away. I searched online for them a while back, but I had no luck.

Back "in the day" newspapers had a section for announcements. The reader was able to view specifics and pictures of births and engagements. If it was a celebrity, they would provide a write-up of the actual wedding - details that caused your imagination to run wild.

At 4:45 on Saturday, November 2, the bride, Shelby, escorted by her father, Mark, glided down an aisle lined with greenery, candles and cut wood.

The bride was stunning in a low backed gown that deceptively looked made of lace, but was instead a printed fabric that was both slimming and left cumbersome by the wayside. Her makeup was impeccable and was applied with skill by Justins sister Sarah. Tessa flew in from California and did a stunning job styling the hair of the bride. Shelby's hair swept to the side in a long braid in order to highlight the backless dress and accommodate the simple and elegant veil.

Her father was dashing in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and slim black tie.

Justin waited patiently under an arch made of greenery, with flowers, wood, lights and candles. The setting was stunning but only complimented the nervous groom dressed in a slim fit black suit, white shirt and black tie.

Everyone stood while the bride walked to the loving arms of her groom. Hailey proceeded the couple and tossed rose petals in the aisle. The audience wept while Mark handed his baby to the guy that promised to cherish the girl for life.

The ceremony was performed by a fellow firefighter that goes by the name "Mudflap". Mudflap sported a full-on mullet accented with a bright purple shirt. The speech was well rehearsed. It was funny, tearful and full of love. He pronounced Justin Roach and Shelby Deason husband and wife.

Following the ceremony, the venue was emptied of chairs and replaced with tables covered with greenery and beautiful flower arrangements. Chips and salsa were served in buffet style while family was swept outside for pictures. Street tacos, rice and beans followed and then the toasting began. Mark began the festivities with a tribute to the bride and groom. He wrapped up his speech by playing guitar with Mat Deason and singing "Nothing Compares To You."

More toasts were given and dancing followed. A live band serenaded while onlookers tore up the dance floor in moves that would put Michael Jackson to shame. The Daddy-Daughter dance was to "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper and the bride was overcome with emotion. That girl adores her dad and knew this was a big moment.

Justin grabbed his own mom to dance while twin, Josh, took a bow to the mother-of-the-bride and asked her to dance. Before the song ended, Josh and Justin switched places and I got to feel the strength of my new son-in-law's arms wrapped around me secretly promising to hold my girl up when she can't walk. Justin twirled me and dipped me with finesse while the crowd cheered. (We secretly stole the show).

Can you see it? It was beautiful and fun and heart warming and festive and a wonderful time was had by all. Congratulations my dear kids. I'm so proud.

Meet Justin and Shelby Roach. Together they will conquer the world.

The Circle of My Life

A few months ago, I was pulled over. I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. I have asked Mark over and over and over again to fix my seatbelt. Guess what? It's fixed now.

While explaining to the officer that my husband is a loser and that the seatbelt would be fixed, the officer asked why I was slurring.  "Are you on drugs?" "Are you drunk?"

"Um, no, I have a medical condition that affects my speech."

After talking with her for a minute, she slapped me on the butt with a warning ticket and sent me on my way.

I didn't think about it (much) until about a week later I received a letter from the Drivers License Division informing me that I had to get my butt into their offices, take a written test, have a physical evaluation, bring a Doctors note and perform a driving test.

WHAT?

I was beyond mad. Okay. Let's be honest. I was scared to death. I was so very worried that some random minimum wage employee was going to determine whether I could drive when I knew BEYOND certainty that I was fine to drive.

Ugh.

Test day came and I aced the written test as well as the physical evaluation. I wasn't worried NOT ONE BIT about the driving test. I can drive. Right? According to the Utah State Laws, I have a "signal when you're gonna turn" issue and they FAILED ME. My super up-to-date 1993 Jeep doesn't "click" when the blinker is on AND my signal switch needed replaced. (Sigh.) (Mark.) (Again.) So when the examiner took a gander at my dashboard, he didn't see a blinking light. Fail.

Upset. Crying. Gnashing of teeth. Seeing red. That was me.

Then depression set in. How am I going to handle the imminent loss of my independence? This soooooooo sucks.

Back in the day, we had a car that Mark and I lovingly called the La Bamba. Tanna and Shelby (not so lovingly) referred to it as the Loser Cruiser. They would come unglued if, while we were out and about, we happened upon someone they knew. For them, best case scenerio would be that their friends would be spotted BEFORE we rolled up and the extra time would enable my proud girls to slink WAY LOW in their seats so they couldn't be seen.

On the other hand? Goose and Tyson loved this car. They thought it was the coolest car that was ever built and proudly let EVERYONE share their joy in the 1974 Pontiac.

Goose was 13 or 14. He begged and bargained and petitioned and implored and desperately pled with me to let him drive. One day, I gave in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm weak.

Goose and I took off for a spin around the block. We got 3/4 of the way home when I looked behind us and saw the flashing lights. Crap. We were being pulled over and Goose wasn't close to a practice-my-driving age.

"Hi officer. I'm just out practicing driving with my son TYSON." Yeah. I lied. Oh boy. Goose just froze and didn't say a word. If I was going down, he sure as crap wasn't going with me. Thanks Goose.

The officer simply thought that I looked too young to be THE mom (I say that proudly.), checked my license and sent us on our way. Whew.

Time passed. Tyson became a licensed driver. Goose learned. Tanna and Shelby became official. I spent endless amount of time teaching the rules of the road. "Push the clutch in BEFORE you stop." "Turn your blinker on." "Change gears" "Shift." "Shift." "SHIFT."

Today the Linnette Deason pancake finally flipped. Things in my life have been beginning to come full circle. It officially started in New York when Shelby had to help me put my shoes on before entering the buildings. I swear my feet are claustrophobic and I kept having to take off my shoes.  I had (I do mean HAD) to get them off. Shelby used her BEST mom voice. "Why do you keep taking your shoes off?" However, she would get on her knees, slip my Converse on my feet, tie them and ALWAYS would ask "Is that too tight? How do they feel?"

A few weeks ago, I fell. My face was dirty and my pride was wounded. Tanna went and got a wet cloth and oh-so-lovingly washed my face.

Tyson periodically kidnaps me and takes me to lunch or to a movie. He gets SO MAD if I try to pay. Half of the time, I don't even bring my purse with me any longer.

EVERY SINGLE TIME Jaden hears me come into the house or stumble around in the kitchen or walk down the stairs or mow the lawn or carry a laundry basket he asks if I'm okay or if I need some help.

When I eat, I'm telling you that no matter how careful I am, I end up wearing my food with my make-up. Mark is forever grabbing a napkin or a towel or his bare fingers and cleaning my face for me.

Goose took me to my driving test today. He sat in the passenger seat while I gave his car a whirl and adjusted my driving skills to power steering. He giggled and gave advice (most times unsolicited) while I practiced parallel parking.

And a few things crossed my mind.

I have really, really, REALLY good kids. I'm going to be okay when I can't do it "all" any longer. I'm so fortunate to be in the "now" with my family.

I remember when the book "Love You Forever"  by Robert Munsch came out.

The synopsis by Wikipedia is:

"The story details the cycle of life by chronicling the experiences of a young son and his mother throughout the course of the boy's life, and describing the exasperating behavior exhibited by him throughout his youth. In spite of her occasional aggravation caused by her son's behavior, the mother nonetheless visits his bedroom nightly to cradle him in her arms, and sing a brief lullaby promising to always love him. After her son enters adulthood and leaves home, his elderly mother occasionally sneaks into his bedroom at night to croon her customary lullaby. However she gradually grows old and frail, and her grown son visits his feeble, sickly mother for the final time. He sings an altered rendition of her lullaby in reciprocation of the unconditional love that she had shown him; vowing to always love her as she dies before him. After returning home in a scene implying the death of his mother, he cradles his newborn daughter and sings his mother's signature lullaby for her, implying that the cycle will continue."

I remember reading this book over and over to my kids. I thought it was cute. It struck a bit of a chord in my heart. However, it was simply a good book.

That book is on my mind. Heavy. Today, I learned the truth behind the circle of my life. For the first time EVER? I'm okay with it.

P.S.  I passed my driving test.